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Saturday, June 2nd 2007, 10:24pm

what would you do???.....

as you might know, we fostered dh's nephew for 6 months last yr, and he went back to his mom in december....we were really careful about how we 'brought him up' whilst he was with us as he had been left to his own devises and had become a total nightmare...he is 12 now.

right...i dont really know where to start...

when he went back to his mom, social services made it totally clear that if we thought there were any problems that we should contact them...

there are now some things coming to light that i am concerned about but not sure if they are serious enough to call ss about....

1, his mom 48yrs old, has started seeing a 21 yr old lad....he has moved in with them. this in itself isnt overly worrying altho it makes my skin crawl personally, as they are both concenting adults and she can do what she likes..BUT dn is being left to do what he likes again because she is being like a silly school girl and putting this lad first not dn.


2, dn phoned our house at 11.30pm on tuesday reverse charge to ask me to phone his mom to see if she was ok as she and this new man had gone for a walk and had been out for over an hr and he was worried....

3, we took him to lots of drs appointments and took him to see a specialist about his bed wetting...and she hasnt carried on with the appointments so he has slipped back into his bad habbits.

4, he has been skiving from school, and when he does go to school he goes out for lunch and very often he doesnt come back after lunch.

i really dont know what to do now.....dh has forbidden me to go to her house as he doesnt agree with her new 'partner' and thinks it is sick....and he really doesnt like her anyway :rolleyes:
he has also said that dn couldnt ever come back here again..... i know he loves dn loads but he disrupted the house in a way that has taken a very long time to get over....we are still having problems with spud because of it......so if i do phone ss, i will risk dn going into foster care with people he doesnt know... :(

am i over-reacting??? do you think there is any need to phone tham?? or should i observe for a little longer???

he isnt in any danger as far as i can see, but what she calls parenting and what i call parenting are poles apart.....what should i do???

do any of you know if ss would be checking up on dn at school??? ?(



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!


This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "cookie" (Jun 2nd 2007, 10:28pm)


Pootle

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Saturday, June 2nd 2007, 10:28pm

I don't know the answer but didn't want to read and run. That is such a toughie.

I'm going to take the coward's way out and say go with your gut instinct.

Good luck.

x






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Saturday, June 2nd 2007, 10:36pm

my gut instinct is to let them know...or at least to ask them to visit them to make sure they think everything is ok....but it is hard, i dont want to be the one responsible for putting him into care.

please just tell me one thing...if i did phone them, do you think in your eyes it would be justified?? or do you think i am sticking my nose in where it isnt wanted or needed?
?(
k xxx



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Saturday, June 2nd 2007, 10:57pm

I agree with Jodie hun, I'm sorry, defo go with your gut instincts, you'll know whats right chick. It defo doesn't sound to be unstable for him at the mo. What a difficult dission to have to make, I really do feel for you, especially as you have to take this on at the same time as being pregnant :hugs: xxx

P.s If you phone them, you are NOT being nosey, you are concerned hunni

Love Charl xxx


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This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "fairy" (Jun 2nd 2007, 10:58pm)


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Saturday, June 2nd 2007, 10:58pm

You obviously know the wider picture than what is written here and from what I can see you would be completely in the right to make the call. SS would not take your dn for no good reason into care. The least your call will do is scare her into realising what she is doing to your dn and maybe that is the wake up call she needs.

From what you have wrote it sounds like he is being neglected, missing hosp appt is not on! And what the heck is she doing leaving a 12 yr old in the house on his own at 11.30 some may think this age is okay to leave BUT I don't!

Look at it like this (and I am sorry) but you coculd be damed if you do and damed if you don't!

If you don't things could get worse for him and you don't want that hunnie!

I know its easy for me sat here to tell you to do it, but I think you have pretty good instinct an sense to make the right decision.

PS sometimes you have to stick your nose in were its not wanted to help someone!!!!

Good Luck hun xxx

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Saturday, June 2nd 2007, 11:24pm

Oh hunnie what a dilemma, I'd say go with your gut instinct as they are usually right - its when you don't go with gut instinct that the old "I wish I'd done it" regret usually occurs x


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Sunday, June 3rd 2007, 9:21am

hi there I'd say make the call and let ss decide how bad the situation is.
from the sound of it it wouldn't be bad to send him into care rihgt now but maybe a word from them would get her to buck up her ideas so that it doesn't come to that.

good luck with whatever you decide x


me 38, DP 44, ttc since 2005
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Sunday, June 3rd 2007, 9:36am

thanks for your help ladies....

i couldnt sleep last night with it all going round in my head....

i have decided to ring them tomorrow and ask them to visit dn and his mom, hopefully like you say it might make her think about what she is doing and letting dn get away with.

only 6 months ago she was bending over backwards to get dn back with her and now it has all gone by the wayside agian...

thanks for your help again girls, it has helped me make my mind up.

:hugs:

love k

ps, ill let you know what they say. xxx



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



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Sunday, June 3rd 2007, 10:07am

Hi there,
I think you have made the right decision. The ss are trained professionals who deal with this type of problem all the time. They also run classes to help people become better parents if they are having difficulty. They will also be able to advise on how to handle DN. Although it seems a shame that his mum isn't trying to help him as much as she can and trying to seek the help herself. Good luck and I hope it all goes well!
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Sunday, June 3rd 2007, 10:41am

Thinking of you sweetie at this tough time x


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Monday, June 4th 2007, 11:31am

I have been in a very similar position to yourself recently, and I have to say you are right to give the SS a call. You have a responsibility to this boy, to ensure he is being cared for adequately, and so does your DH, much as he'd like to disassociate from it all right now.

The SS don't automatically take a child into care because there appear to be issues. They will do a lot of research, make a lot of visits, and as someone said before, they may consider that the boy's mother needs education rather than reproach.

This lad is lucky to have someone as caring as you on his side, watching out for him. It's the children who don't have people to watch out for them that end up falling by the wayside and in trouble. Even if your DN ends up in care, this needn't be the end of the world. There are some fabulous foster parents out there, who have experience and training, not to mention the support to deal with the problems that this boy is going through in his life. The fact that you would still keep an eye out for him even if he was in care goes in his favour too, as he won't have the feeling that he has been abandoned and left to his fate with a stranger with minimal contact with his family. The social services will also be able to give you advice on how you can help your DN, even if you cannot take him back into your home. Even if you were just at the end of a phone for him when he needs to chat will help him. Good for you for looking out for him so far.
Me 35,DH 36 (Severe Oligospermia.).
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Thomas Derren (Thom) July 1990
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Lochlan Cassius James April 2009 (4th attempt at ICSI)



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Monday, June 4th 2007, 11:42am

thanks ladies....it is hard but now my mind is made up i just need to tell ss and they can judge for themselves.

have rung but his old sw is out on a visit till around 12 oclock, i will ring her again at half 12.

will let you now

love k xxx



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



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Monday, June 4th 2007, 1:16pm

i did it....phoned and told her i feel that they need a visit as i think things are starting to 'slip' again her end...she is arranging a visit later this week.

i have done what i think is right, now i have just got to sit back and see what happens...just hope ss dont tell her where the info came from, i dont want her on my doorstep shouting at me, i am only trying to help them but she wouldnt see it like that :(



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Monday, June 4th 2007, 4:12pm

Willow I reckon you have definately done the right thing. It's very unlikely that the sw will tell them where the info came from as that would just put people off of phoning for help in the future. You never know, it might make your DN's mum realise that she needs more help and Ss will be able to offer it.

When you ask yourself again whether you have done the right thing, imagine how you'd feel if something hapened to the lad and you hadn't have done anything. It's always better to err on the side of caution where children's safety and well being are concerned. If the child's parent/care giver has a problem with this, then she will have to deal with it. The priority is the child and nobody else. He's the one who is too young to make these decisions for himself. He obviously isn't happy with the care he is receiving right now, or he wouldn't have phoned you when he was worried about where his mum was.

You are doing the right thing!
Me 35,DH 36 (Severe Oligospermia.).
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I have 4 lovely big kids
Thomas Derren (Thom) July 1990
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Wednesday, June 6th 2007, 9:41am

willow you are a wonderful aunt and dnis lucky to have you. you are only looking out for his welfare and i know it is tough on you but you have done the right thing
xx
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Friday, June 8th 2007, 6:48pm

Just caught up with this... Oh Willow. Poor wee lad, too many things to deal with.

You have so done the right thing. This life businesss, lots of hard choices! Thinking of you adn let me know if you want to sound off, love Lesa xxxx
Keep smiling :happy:

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Saturday, June 9th 2007, 5:16pm

Hope you got some help hun with this


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Saturday, June 9th 2007, 7:47pm

You did the right thing - SS need to be aware and DN's mum will have to deal with it. She should be happy that you care enough to put DN's needs first. You have alot more going on now as well. I really hope SS take note and take action hun.

xxx Lorraine xxx

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Sunday, June 17th 2007, 6:02pm

SS

Hiya ladies
this is a difficult situation with regards to what would/nt happen if social services were called. i was stuck in a simular situation a few months ago, a young friend of mine had a baby boy, when the baby was 4weeks old we were asked to have him for the weekend. i was shocked at this to start with but flattered that she trusted us enough to have him. then it started happening every weekend, we had him 3pm fri-12pm monday from the age of 4weeks until he was 9months old. if we turned around and had already made plans for the weekend shed leave the little one with her next door neighbour (who she didnt really know and only lived mext door 4 2weeks b4 she started leaving him) she refused to listen to my reasoning that when she chose to have the child she gave up her rights to be out every weekend-shes immature and just thought i was getting at her. because of my worry of his safety with the little one being with a complete stranger, we decided to leave our weekends free to make sure we had he so we knew he was safe. this went on again until he was 11months old. in the end i spoke to her and told her to sort herself out. to which she stopped me seeing the little one. Another friend of my in a SW so i confided in her about my concerns for this little one. i knew as soon as i had told her she had to do her job and follow my worries through. i was so scared the little boy was going to get taken off his mum, even though my young mum friend managed to blag her way through the SW questioning saying shed never left her son over night-the Sw obvioulsy couldnt reveal her proof as she had seen the baby boy with me every weekend. in the end the young mum agreed she wasnt coping with the high demands of a young baby so excepted help from a SW. now she has really settled into mother hood, we have the little one once in a while-but its on our terms not hers. i am aware that sometimes she still leaves the little one with the next door neighbour but shes aware that SS are watching her now so it doesnt happen too often.

As a child i too was taken from my parents and put into foster care due to neglect, so i grew up believing that SS only take children away from their families. Now i know that they aim to work with the troubled parents not against them. SS only remove the children from the parents care as a very last resort and they avoid it to the best they can.

So gong back to it, im sure youve made the right decision Willow, SS wont take the little one away from his mum unless there is no other option. Well done for you for doing it-i know it wasnt an easy choice to make but it was the right one

hope this helps

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Sunday, June 17th 2007, 8:39pm

RE: SS

sorry Willow just seen this thread, i wish i have seen it much later

first it is a good decision to inform the social services, as others said they will not take him to care as his life is not in danger.
you are a lovely auntie and your Dn will appreciate your support later on in life.
i hope the visit with the ss will help the boy to get him back some structure in his life

do you know if the mother was aware you called the ss?

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Monday, June 18th 2007, 1:13pm

do you know if the mother was aware you called the ss?

by law SS are not allowed to reveal who passed any information on to them, because if it wasnt due to others notifying SS alot of children would still be at home neglected etc now
SS rely on others for outside information. a bit like childline+crime stoppers, they all depend on outsiders information

so definatley not will the SW let on that youve passed the information on.

the only person who would be able to make a good gues at who called SS would be the little lad concerned, but the fact that hes tried getting outside help himself pretty much clarifies the fact that he wont be telling his mother the information originally came from him..

SS have a good way of going around reason to why they visit,they wouldnt go in there saying weve been given information to say Blah blah blah
theyl just say something like we just wanted to see how you were getting on etc

hope this helps

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Monday, June 18th 2007, 1:19pm

Thanks for your advice Sammiex -its wonderful that you were concerend about your friend and helped her.

Willow is not around this week I dont think but I am sure she will respond when she get back


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Monday, June 18th 2007, 3:26pm

RE: do you know if the mother was aware you called the ss?

X5amie

if anyone have written to ss regarding someone child and the parent asked who have said this about them, ss do have the right to reveal there name if they have given it.

all parent are given the chance to defend themselves when things are been said about them

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Thursday, June 21st 2007, 9:58am

I think social services are aware of the difficulties faced if they reveal their sources of information, so they wouldn't hand out names unless it was in the child's interest.

Quite frankly, my attitude is, if you haven't got anything to hide, then you wouldn't be concerned about a visit from SS. They are quite welcome to visit me any time. The child is paramount in any case, and if I thought a child was at risk, I would not hesitate to seek assistance if I couln't help myself. It's the kids who need a voice to speak up for them. If someone had done that for me when I was a kid, I would have had a much better time!
Me 35,DH 36 (Severe Oligospermia.).
4th ICSI :BFP:
I have 4 lovely big kids
Thomas Derren (Thom) July 1990
Luke Benjamin August 1993
Harley John Oliver June 1997
Alexandria Aimee Jay (Alex) July 1998
Lochlan Cassius James April 2009 (4th attempt at ICSI)



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Friday, June 22nd 2007, 10:40am

Hi, i spoke to my Sw friend last night, and they definaltey dont reveal where they get their information from, they always say its been given anonymously because any calls they recieve gets logged onto the computer as anonymous anyway unless the information comes from school/doctor/other Sw etc

alot of the time SS really dont know where the information has come from,
one person recieved the calls/letters/interviews, another logs it onto a computer and 9 times out of 10 another actually does the interview with the parents/children invloved

yeh all parents have the right to defend themselves and i agree with that but they dont need to know where the information came from to do that

Alot of people see SS as people who break families up when it is the complete opposite, yeh i agree mrs-smiff, my life wouldve been alot different if someone had spoken up for me and my siblings but there wasnt really anyone around that could coz we were moved around from home to home with my mum so noone really got to know us. i wish i had know then what i know now coz i wouldve gone to SS for help myself. but thats history now, my younger siblings are living back in wales with my dad and have no contact with my mum, but i see my mum (al be it rarelly due to her drink problems and her failure to admit where she has gone wrong in the past) ive moved on and got my own life now that doesnt involve any sadness, fear and blame for my past

think ive rambled on abit now and not quite sure where all that came fom
sorry peoples

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November-Clomid 150mg 3-7 :BFP:
Miscarried Our Little Angel at 9+5 baby5
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mrs_smiff

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Friday, June 22nd 2007, 4:23pm

Sammie it sounds like you have been through pretty much the same as me in childhood. I don't have any contact with anyone from my family anymore, except from my sister and her kids, and my niece (my brother's daughter). Quite frankly, my mother was crap at being a family back then, and still is now! Out of 5 children that she had, only one is in contact with her now, and she has 10 grandchildren who she doesn't see, some of whom, ( mostly my kids) she has never even met! Her loss not mine.

Social services did a great job with me when they finally got wind of my situation, and got me out of a family in which there was minimal care and love, and into a foster home. Unfortunately it didn't work out for me with foster parents as I was far too mistrusting by that stage, but I thrived in a children's home where I was treated like an individual.

I trust social services enough to know that generally, when they need to, they act with the best intentions of the child in mind. They don't break up families unless really necessary, and only when the family situation is not of benefit to the child. Of course there are always exceptions, and we hear about mistakes being made in the papers and on the news, but I think that generally they do the right thing.

I would urge anyone who has a concern about a child to contact social services, and be assured that your details would not be passed on to the family in question. Think about how you would feel if a child met with disaster and you could have said something and didn't. I know I would rather err on the side of caution and always speak up.
Me 35,DH 36 (Severe Oligospermia.).
4th ICSI :BFP:
I have 4 lovely big kids
Thomas Derren (Thom) July 1990
Luke Benjamin August 1993
Harley John Oliver June 1997
Alexandria Aimee Jay (Alex) July 1998
Lochlan Cassius James April 2009 (4th attempt at ICSI)






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