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  • "lizzy25" started this thread

Posts: 491

Reg: Aug 24th 2008

Location: aberdeen

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1

Monday, February 3rd 2014, 8:08pm

adoption with biological child

Hi there, I'm new to this adoption forum and looking for some advice/real stories.

We have a 4 year old daughter through IVF. She is the light of our lives. We adore her in ever way possible and feel truly blessed. I feel teary just speaking about how much we love her. However, we want more. We want a larger family and our daughter is desperate for a sibling. We tried IVF a couple of times after having our DD but all were failures. We have begun the adoption process which, to our surprise has been very quick and easy. We are due to go to panel in March. We are excited BUT......

Today I have had a bit of a flip out. I'm in a panic about how this will affect our daughter and our family and if adoption into a biological family is ever really successful with a young existing biological child. I've scared myself by reading horror stories of the AC not bonding, EVER and demon children hitting. biting and genuinely wishing real harm (even death) on the existing members of the family. I don't expect plain sailing. I do expect a period of unbalance, of grief and confusion. We desperately want another child and have been so excited about the prospect of adopting a child into our family but today it seems there could be more to go wrong than to go right.

Any stories, positive or negative really would be helpful

Thank you : D

Sept '08 1st IVF :BFN:
Jan '09 2nd IVF :BFP: bab10
Dec '11 3rd IVF :BFN: 1xfrostie
June '12 failed thaw
Nov '12 4th IVF :BFN: 3 snow babies

Maria72

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    Italy

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 8:26pm

Hi Lizzy,
I have no direct experience of this as I have no children. However our friends have successfully adopted after having a biological daughter. She loves the new baby and so far they all get on. The biological daughter was older and the adopted baby is about 5 years younger and was about 1 year old when adopted. It seems a very successful story to me.
I am sure there are also negative stories aroud, but why not just wait and see. Talk to the experts and the agency or lea department who are facilitating your adoption. The adopted child will have a social worker to start of with. I'm sure you will have plenty of advice available.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: be positive and I'm sure these doubts are normal.
Sorry I don't know I am being helpful...
Take care.

Lynsey

MEMBER

Posts: 4,474

Reg: Dec 3rd 2008

Location: Cambridge

Children: Adopted Son @ 10.5mths old Feb 2014 xx

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FINALLY I am a MUMMY!!!!

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 8:38pm

Have tried PMing you but says inbox is full x
LYNSEY xx

After x3 ICSI X2 FETs resulting in :BFN:s Apart from the last one being a faint :BFP: (only lasted a day or two) I was turned down as an egg donor so we called it a day with TX
WE ARE ADOPTING
APT Apr/May 13 HS June-Aug 13 PANEL Sept 13 YES!!
LINKED to 7mth old bab22 Oct 13
MATCHING PANEL JAN 14 YES. HOME with us 11th Feb 2014 (10.5mths old)
Finally I AM A MUMMY

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 8:54pm

Hi Lizzy, I would also like to send you a PM regarding a family who adopted a 2 year old next to their 4 year old just like you. It is a year on and they are very happy :-) Just wanted to send a link to their blog.

We were also thinking of adopting but sadly my husband changed his mind since and adoption is certainly not something to be forced upon anyone. However as we also have biological children I have read those horror stories you mention. But I am sure being so close to panel you have actually read a lot more.

I would worry too, but I beleive and pray once you bonded with your adopted child he /she won't be your adopted child any more, just your younger child. And from that on his / her priorities will matter the same.

Don't forget that most of those horror stories are from the US where adoption rules are really strange. I borrowed two books from adoption uk where sibling adoption is discussed and one was a success the other led to adoption breakdown but it was just a multitude of unlucky details certainly no demon child.

Also there are sadly a lot of families with biological siblings hating each other. There are also adoptive families with multiple, biologically non-related children.

We really don't know what the future holds but can try our best to make it is great as possible.

You can't beleive how excited I am to be able to follow your story and I am so sure you will find happiness in your family.

xx Rianon

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 8:55pm

Also wanted to add that you probably won't find anyone on here with several years adoption experience / grown-up adopted kids. I suppose it is the nature of this forum those getting lucky just move on. Maybe try adoption uk?

xx

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Tuesday, February 4th 2014, 9:01am

Hi just wanted to say, my step dad was adopted into a biological family, the mum and dad had two children of there own a son and a daughter and he was accepted by the other two straightaway, I think it's down to treating them as your own and not showing favouritism. My stepdad is now 49 and has always been really happy and great full his family adopted him so much so he has no intentions of finding his real family as he sees his family as his biological family.

I think what your doing is really amazing, no doubt it will be hard and you will have difficult times but it will be so rewarding as well, I wish you all the luck in the world, keep us posted as to what you decide and if you get your well deserved next sibling for your DD xxx

Cheree's - journey to holding my little bundle of joy']MY DIARY[/url]
Me: 38 DF:40 1 DD 17 from previous relationship
TTC 4.5 yeas
Fibroid top right of uterus blocking my right tube
1st IVF cycle Sept/Oct 2013 :BFN:
2nd IVF cycle April/May 2014 :BFN:
3rd FET Dec 2014 :BFN:
Not sure where we go from here going to take a break

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Tuesday, February 4th 2014, 12:26pm

Hi Lizzy,

I have a son of 2 and am also thinking of adoption for a sibling, although we will wait a little more for the moment. But I have gone through all the adoption training in Belgium and have a court decision saying we are fit to adopt. So I know very well the kind of case studies you are referring to. Failed adoption (ie no bonding) however is actually quite rare. It's usually cases of bonding followed by problems of personality. But generally these kinds of problems would occur in a biological family as well. So you do need to put the negative stories in a context, as I think you do.

Within that general context, biological child vs adopted child is just (in my view) a rather small complication. As you know, you will love that child as your second child, and therefore s/he will be the same as your biological child. And yes these two will have problems, like "normal" siblings, perhaps 5% more due to the subtleties of adoption...In Belgium, there is a struct rule that - whether biological or adopted - if you are adopting a 2nd child, s/he has to follow the "chronological order" ie, be several years younger than the other one. As long as you respect that rule, the new member of the family will fit in, gradually but surely, like a biological 2nd child would.

Above all congratulations for embarking on this wonderful journey and best wishes for growing your family.
Waterlily's Diary

Miracle :BFP: on 7th fresh ICSI cycle followed by miracle natural :BFP:.





Only fools lose their hope - Life is one day and that is today - Hope always ends up right.

  • "lizzy25" started this thread

Posts: 491

Reg: Aug 24th 2008

Location: aberdeen

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8

Tuesday, February 4th 2014, 1:56pm

Wow! Thank you all so much. You are so encouraging and its wonderful to hear. Yesterday, at our final social work visit our worker took her boss. As lovely as they both are they do make you aware that they can not know what the child they are placing with you will be like, or their problems. I keep echoing this with 'just like having a biological child, you can never know what lies ahead' I guess they do it on purpose so that you have a good hard think about whether this is something you can deal with and as we are so close to panel I guess Im suddenly getting cold feet.

You stories, first hand or otherwise (Maria), really are very encouraging and great to hear. Thank you.

I've cleared out my inbox (i've not been on this web site since my daughter was born 4 years ago!!) so please feel free to PM me.

Thank you so much!!

:yes:
Sept '08 1st IVF :BFN:
Jan '09 2nd IVF :BFP: bab10
Dec '11 3rd IVF :BFN: 1xfrostie
June '12 failed thaw
Nov '12 4th IVF :BFN: 3 snow babies

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Tuesday, February 4th 2014, 8:45pm

Hi again Lizzy,

Hope you don't mind my next question feel free not to reply I was just wondering what your plans are with your 3 frozen embryos?

xx

  • "lizzy25" started this thread

Posts: 491

Reg: Aug 24th 2008

Location: aberdeen

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10

Tuesday, February 4th 2014, 10:11pm

Hi Rianon,

Dont mind you asking at all. We used the 3 frozen embryos. Unfortunately the first one to defrost didn't survive the thaw. We then tried the other 2. One survived but didn't result in a pregnancy. Weve also had another full IVF which was also a failure. My signature needs updating!

Xxxx
Sept '08 1st IVF :BFN:
Jan '09 2nd IVF :BFP: bab10
Dec '11 3rd IVF :BFN: 1xfrostie
June '12 failed thaw
Nov '12 4th IVF :BFN: 3 snow babies

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Reg: May 30th 2010

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Tuesday, February 4th 2014, 10:51pm

Oh poor you that's a lot of treatments. Glad you managed to move on and to how exciting pastures!

xx

AMB

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Friday, February 7th 2014, 9:02pm

Hi Lizzy,

Please don't panic! What you are experiencing is perfectly normal & I would be worried if you didn't have a wobble.... I sure did! I thought my little family might implode, we had one birth son who was was the centre of our universe then low & behold we were matched with a little boy.... we are so blessed! There is a good age gap between them which helped & we have always explained everything to him so there were no surprises. The lads love each other, fight with each other, bath together, cuddle each other & kick each other... brothers!!

Good luck & please let me know if you need any other info.

Ax
anneb

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Users who thanked for this post:

Cheree 76 (07.02.2014), Lynsey (08.02.2014)

  • "lizzy25" started this thread

Posts: 491

Reg: Aug 24th 2008

Location: aberdeen

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13

Saturday, February 15th 2014, 9:49pm

Anna, your post has actually brought a tear to my eye. It does feel like my family would implode. Our daughter IS the centre of our universe. I was cuddling her tonight wondering how all this would change. This is not an adoption fear though, this is adding a second child, any second child, fear. The dynamics will change. But, a second child is what we want and our daughter is desperate for a brother/sister so I guess overall this is a very positive thing.

Xxxx
Sept '08 1st IVF :BFN:
Jan '09 2nd IVF :BFP: bab10
Dec '11 3rd IVF :BFN: 1xfrostie
June '12 failed thaw
Nov '12 4th IVF :BFN: 3 snow babies

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Reg: May 30th 2010

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Friday, March 7th 2014, 9:06am

Hello Lizzy how is it all going? I was also wondering if you received my pm?

Not long now till panel!! xfingers xfingers

AMB

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Saturday, April 5th 2014, 7:56pm

Hi Lizzy,

How are things going for you and your family, everything on an even keel?? Let me know if there is anything you need to ask, know or even have a grump & groan! Whatever you are experiencing at the moment will not be unfamiliar either to myself or maybe someone else on the forum, please feel free to ask anything!

Take care
Ax
anneb

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