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  • "rianon" started this thread

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Saturday, October 12th 2013, 9:58am

need a helping hand

It seems adpotion is the right path for us to extend our family (we currently have 2 beautiful girls through IVF-PGD). However I feel lost and overwhelmed by the whole process. Where do we start? With the IVF it was 'relatively' easy, we had to go to the GP, got referred to the geneticist team and kind of had a helping hand all along the way.

Is there a central helping person through the adoption process whom we can turn to? Or do we just research each and every agency individually?

Feeling really lost and cannot at all picture us with more child(ren) :-(

Maria72

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Saturday, October 12th 2013, 3:53pm

Sorry I don't know, but I am sure someone else will give you a sensible answer.
Have you tried your county council?

Curlytails

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Saturday, October 12th 2013, 4:52pm

Look on your County Council website and that should get you started. Some ask for a minimum amount of time after tx before you can start.

Good Luck x

6 x IVF, 3 x FET
3 x MMC, 3 x :BFN:, 1 x failed thaw
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Sunday, October 13th 2013, 12:16pm

I think it's much better to find a representative attorney to work on that, just too complicated... ;( ;(
Mum of 1. Took 6 years to conceive. Vietnamese and live in London.

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Sunday, October 13th 2013, 8:40pm

Hi Rianon :bye:

How exciting you've made the decision to adopt! Although it might seem quite daunting at the moment once you're underway it won't seem so bad! When we decided to adopt we started by googling agencies in our area and also found a whole section in the Yellow Pages on adoption and fostering. The main difference at this stage is trying to decide whether to go with a local authority (LA) or a voluntary agency (VA). We phoned our own LA first which is where I'd suggest you start also. It may be as it was with us that your LA can't take you on as they won't place a child in their own area due to security issues of being too close to the birth parents. We then broadened our search and contacted the LA's that bordered our own. We also contacted a VA as we wanted to find out the differences between the two. We found that the time limit wanted between finishing tx and starting the adoption process varied between agency to agency. We had timescales of between 6 months to a year but even if you haven't had this amount of time yet it's worth starting your phone calls to inquire. Your next step will then be to attend some information evenings. Again we went to some at both an LA and VA before making a decision on who to go with. I won't go into the rest just yet as know you are right at the start but hope this gives you some advice as to where to start. I assure you once you start making some calls you won't feel alone as the people on the other end of the phone will hopefully be very helpful! Feel free to ask any questions or PM me any time. We made our first phone call in January 2012 and brought home our gorgeous daughter 11 weeks ago. However the process has recently been changed to make it quicker now so you will be on the new timescale. Good luck! Xx

TTC since 2007

1st ICSI cycle BFP 13.11.09 - m/c 15.11.09
2nd ICSI cycle BFN 18.3.11
3rd ICSI cycle - BFN 2.9.11

Jan '12 - We are now hoping to adopt!
July '13 - We did it! bab19
September '14 - We did it again! bab19

mini mcgee's diary

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "mini_mcgee" (Oct 13th 2013, 8:48pm)


  • "rianon" started this thread

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Wednesday, October 16th 2013, 12:08am

Hi Ladies,

Thank you so much for taking time to reply. I am such a coward still hasn't made any phonecalls just more reading on the internet which will really not get me anywhere.

I am just so scared. I even have very good friends who had a lovely experience with adoption and that still does not put my mind at ease.

Maria & Curlytails - thanks. That's definitely the best staring point.
ElishaJane - are you trying to adopt too?
Mini Mcgee - how is the weaning going? Hope you are having loads of fun :-) Please remind me how old is your daughter now? Your timeline sounds very encouraging is that the norm? Whereabouts do you live? We live in the Midlands.

These are my two main concerns:
I am from another country. Is it fair to adopt and give those children another mothertounge / cultural background? I can't adopt from my home country unless I go back to live there which is just not possible at the moment.

I have two lovely daughters (this is not a problem :-) But it complicates things. It would be great to adopt a sibling group but also would not want rivalry if two -wo have already bonded whith each other but not the other two. I would really mourn missing the baby stage as well. Any experience in that? Maybe foster carers?

And I am just generally scared if I can deal with things.

Adoption in theory is great as it gives you a child and you are not even responsible for overpopulating the Earth. But in reality it is just so scary. They are living, breathing, loving little kids with some not too nice experiences under their belt. I wonder if I felt so scared if I wouldn't have children. Will I love all of them the same??? Will they all turn out all right and happy? Would my already existing children gain or lose? As I only have them at the moment they are my priority until I have more.

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Wednesday, October 16th 2013, 12:57pm

We are going from strength to strength with the weaning I'm glad to say. DD is 10 and a half months now and moved in with us when she was a week short of 8 months. We are in Kent and as far as I'm aware our timescale was quite normal. We were however working on the old process and the new one came into effect in July and is meant to get you through to panel a lot quicker.

I don't think your being from another country will have any negative effect on an adoption. Indeed you may find it may be of an advantage as there are such a variety of children needing homes. During home study we did a lot of work on different cultures and backgrounds and being able to bring a child up knowing their own history.

Your daughters would very much be involved in the home study and their opinions asked by the social workers as far as I'm aware. As we do not have any other children as yet I'm afraid I can't answer your concerns about rivalry but once again I'm sure the social workers will have a lot of experience in the area.

I'm afraid missing the baby stage is a possibility purely because of how long it takes for a child to be put up for adoption after going into foster care. We were extremely lucky to get DD so young and were expecting a 2 year old to be honest. Now the process has been made quicker though I wouldn't rule out the possibility of you being placed with a baby. Again, once you decide on an agency they will be able to give you statistics of the ages of children they have for placement etc.

As for whether you would love all of your children the same how does anybody ever know if they will be it biological or adopted children? I don't think your feelings would be any different because of the circumstances. I can only comment on my own circumstances and can truly say I don't think I could love DD any more even if she was biologically ours. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't love at first sight and is a feeling that has gradually grown but it is definitely love. Yes it is a scary prospect embarking into the world of adoption but in my opinion it is is very worth it. You will be providing a child or children with a loving stable home with new siblings to boot. These are all things that they would probably never have the chance of without adopters. I promise you that when you start making those first few phone calls you will start to feel easier about things and remember that just because you are enquiring doesn't mean that you're going to be handed a child tomorrow! You will have plenty of time to learn and discuss all of the ins and outs involved and if at any point you think it might not be the right path for you and your family you are perfectly free to stop the process. X x

TTC since 2007

1st ICSI cycle BFP 13.11.09 - m/c 15.11.09
2nd ICSI cycle BFN 18.3.11
3rd ICSI cycle - BFN 2.9.11

Jan '12 - We are now hoping to adopt!
July '13 - We did it! bab19
September '14 - We did it again! bab19

mini mcgee's diary

  • "rianon" started this thread

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Monday, October 21st 2013, 4:31pm

Yes that is really quite lucky she will only have memories of you :-) I wonder if it makes it more difficult to talk about adoption with her? Do you also plan to have / adopt more children? Glad the weaning is going well. Our DD-s are actually very similar in age yours is only a month older then mine.

Well Imade the phone call! Information pack on its way. And as you said the process changed now and it is only 6 month long to be approved. It was not a problem that I am from another country either ('Do you know about adoption?' 'I know a bit more about adoption in my home country, but I live here now' 'Fair enough'- that was it). I was too shy to ask about existing children but guess I will have plenty of opportunity to discuss that. Getting really excited now. Off to save some more phone numbers from private agencies as you suggested.

As to loving children the same I meant to the same extent I realise they all need to be loved in their own ways. One very interesting story: My sister's boyfriend is an unplanned child, so is his older brother. So only middle one was planned and he really fell out with his parents. So you really never know. I should stop worrying unnecessary and enjoy life. And as for genes different from mine who said I was perfect. I might get lucky and get a lot better child then I could 'produce'.

My DD-s wasn't love at first sight either. I just love them more and more every day. t first it felt more like a duty and I heard it from a lot of other mothers too! But now I can just melt away from them, especially from how much they love each other. I am convinced they could love more and would also benefit greatly from having more siblings.

Sorry for waffling - must be the adrenalin surge. Thanks for the support.

xx Rianon

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Monday, October 21st 2013, 4:38pm

Ok, probably stupid question and will be in my info pack anyway, but: do I go with my local authority for the approval process and once approved can sign up to agencies to be matched with a child?

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Monday, October 21st 2013, 5:05pm

It's not a silly question. Your approval process will be done by whoever you decide to go with be that your Local Authority or a Voluntary Agency. We went with an LA and their conditions were that after we were approved we allow them 3 months to try and match us with one of their children which they did. If that hadn't had happened with in 3 months then we were free to go on the national register and start looking for children ourselves through Be My Parent any Adoption UK etc.

Congratulations on making the phone call and I knew you'd feel excited!! x x

TTC since 2007

1st ICSI cycle BFP 13.11.09 - m/c 15.11.09
2nd ICSI cycle BFN 18.3.11
3rd ICSI cycle - BFN 2.9.11

Jan '12 - We are now hoping to adopt!
July '13 - We did it! bab19
September '14 - We did it again! bab19

mini mcgee's diary

Lynsey

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Children: Adopted Son @ 10.5mths old Feb 2014 xx

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Wednesday, October 23rd 2013, 6:11am

Congrats on making that phone call. The 6months to be approved seems to be what places have as guidelines at the moment they are trying to get it to 4months from 8 months!!!!!!
We took a while to get going with the adoption mainly due to a lost letter but once it got going it really got going. I know everywhere is different and even my LA has already changed a lot but we completed our prep start of May this year home study started mid June completed mid August and went to approval panel 18th Sept. We are now waiting for a meeting next week as we are being considered for a LO.
LYNSEY xx

After x3 ICSI X2 FETs resulting in :BFN:s Apart from the last one being a faint :BFP: (only lasted a day or two) I was turned down as an egg donor so we called it a day with TX
WE ARE ADOPTING
APT Apr/May 13 HS June-Aug 13 PANEL Sept 13 YES!!
LINKED to 7mth old bab22 Oct 13
MATCHING PANEL JAN 14 YES. HOME with us 11th Feb 2014 (10.5mths old)
Finally I AM A MUMMY

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Wednesday, October 23rd 2013, 7:22pm

Well girls, I am in tears now. They really don’t want us and would not even give us a chance. Basically I was told that until my younger is at least 3 and a half years old and we have a bigger house(!!!) we would not be approved therefore there is no point to start the process.

They would not even let us start the preparation.

I am sad both for myself and for adopted children.

For me it is utterly unfair that I would have to wait 3 years just to start! And that’s not considering the length of the actual process. If I would be growing my family in the ‘traditional’ day I would already be trying and would in an ideal world be pregnant within at least 2 years. I understand that the needs of the adopted child go first and obviously I can’t adopt a two year old when my own is 2 year old but they seem to want to imply I have no chance whatsoever of ever adopting a baby. I don't mind an older child just want to have the chance like everybody else. The person I talked to didn’t seemed to realise that the whole process is lengthy and I am taking that into consideration.

For an adopted child it is unfair that they have to have their own room. This point is just particularly beyond me. I am a twin and was never alone in my life. I would think any child in a family would want to share their room until they are older and would want to be in the parents’ room as a baby if adopted early. My daughters just love sharing their room and really miss each other when separated.

To say I am disappointed, devastated and in disbelief is an understatement. I also lost trust in the system which advertises it does not matter if you are straight, gay, single, unemployed etc but would not even try to get to know me.

Does it mean every couple who ever adopted has to wait years and years and years for a sibling?

I thought adoption is for life but it seems it does not matter who you are and what you can give it only matters what your actual circumstances are at the time of the home study.

At one point I was even told what if I change my mind and thus disrupt a child’s life further. How dare someone say this to me? Would I be more likely to change my mind then anyone else because I have children???

In the end it was recommended I should go counselling to find out why I want more children. I don’t think any fertile couple was ever recommended counselling for wanting a bigger family.

Well in tears again…… :tear:

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Wednesday, October 23rd 2013, 7:32pm

Oh Rianon, I don't blame you for being in tears. That sounds like a horrible conversation. I feel so sorry that this has happened to you when you are only just starting out and needing a helping hand......I take it you were talking to your LA? Please don't give up just yet. Why not try calling some VA's in your area. Google voluntary agencies or look in your yellow pages. Call them and explain what your LA said and see if they feel the same. I know there is a recommended age gap between children but the VA's might be more flexible with starting the process etc.....worth a few phone calls anyway and try not to loose all hope just yet. Big hugs :hugs:

TTC since 2007

1st ICSI cycle BFP 13.11.09 - m/c 15.11.09
2nd ICSI cycle BFN 18.3.11
3rd ICSI cycle - BFN 2.9.11

Jan '12 - We are now hoping to adopt!
July '13 - We did it! bab19
September '14 - We did it again! bab19

mini mcgee's diary

  • "rianon" started this thread

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Wednesday, October 23rd 2013, 8:19pm

Thanks Mini. Just told DH as well. It was a bit like as if the social worker was thinking 'what does this stupid woman want when she already has 2 children and there are others out there who have none.' But sadly there are enough children in the care system for us all so it's not like I am snatching a child away from someone else.

It was actually one of the VA-s. I saw it coming as my friend has been to their open evening and told me the same regarding the age range. I also talked to another VA but that was interrupted and could not get hold of the same person again yet. She actually told the same (house size wasn't discussed yet) but also suggested that our LA might be more open as they might have babies whereas VA-s have older, 'more problematic' children. I am quite dreading getting in touch with them so will read their info pack first.

I am not giving up just yet but not feeling very hopeful... I don't think I would try again in 3 years time. Even when expecting my younger daughter I told myself just how good we went for it when we did (and that was no easy ride either) as life was so perfect at that very moment I probably would not have tried. Do I make sense?

Tell me if I am being too intrusive but did you consider having more? Have you originally considered a sibling group?

On a more positive note: Linsey that is AMAZING news!!! I have to work a bit now but hoping to jump into adoption diaries very soon.

Love to you all.

xx Rianon

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Wednesday, October 23rd 2013, 8:35pm

Sorry my mind is still in overdrive...

I think I will actually go and see my GP as he is super nice and was actually really excited about our PGD success so hoping he would be axcited about adoption too. It really is a question for me why do I want more? I would love to feel that my family is complete and at times I do feel it. But even if it is complete now it can and would be more complete with more children.

Another focal point seemed to be the young age of my girls. I don't think anyone wants to have more kids when their children are like 5 years old. At least for me even after DD we knew we wanted more, period. And when would you start thinking of more if not after your previous want i.e when they are young??.

Ok please shut me up and banish me into the trying again section.

And anyway I really do need to work!!

xx

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Wednesday, October 23rd 2013, 9:54pm

It is right that the VA's place the more 'problematic' older children. Although we were really impressed with the VA we went to see we weren't ready to give up our chance of a younger child which is why we went with a LA. Fingers crossed your LA will be more open and helpful. Talking to your GP sounds like it could be helpful too.

When we started home study we did so with the aim of being placed with a sibling group partly because we always talked of having 2 and partly because it would mean we would only have to go through the process once! As we progressed through though we actually changed our minds to only wanting to be approved for 1 child at that point. All we learnt meant that we wanted to focus all of our attention on the 1 child and being 1st time parents too our SW recommended this. As to the future we are yet undecided. I think deep down I would like to go for number 2 but I know DH would be quite happy just to stick with DD. She does have biological siblings that are also in the process of being adopted and once settled we are hoping to have direct contact with but I like the thought of her having a sibling to grow up with too. We shall see.......

I hope your info pack arrives soon and your LA is more open and helpful xfingers X x

TTC since 2007

1st ICSI cycle BFP 13.11.09 - m/c 15.11.09
2nd ICSI cycle BFN 18.3.11
3rd ICSI cycle - BFN 2.9.11

Jan '12 - We are now hoping to adopt!
July '13 - We did it! bab19
September '14 - We did it again! bab19

mini mcgee's diary

  • "rianon" started this thread

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Thursday, October 24th 2013, 10:22pm

Thanks again Mini you are always there to reply. Good you went with a LA, your DD is the proof.

Yes, poor siblings. The more and more I think / read /discuss adoption I also feel siblings would not be right for us because we already have children. But I am happy to be spoved wrong. Just about to borrow books from the library. Any recommendations?

It sounds like your DD has even more siblings. Are they together? The same happened to my friends in the opposite way. They adopted two little boys and when their half-sister was born (talk about irresponsible people) they were the first ones asked. They could not take her so hopefully she was adopted by someone else. It was a really upsetting decision to make for my friends.

You made me realise that you still have to go through the process as second time adopter. How tough. Is it not even shorter? Just received the info pack and all is really nicely described I just wish I waited for it before those phone calls. They explained the situtation, age range and ethnic bacground of children currently waiting for adoption in our area. They reccomend a two year age gap and the process is estimated to take 8 months (approval) plus 6 months (matching). It can be shorter though if one is willing to take on siblings / disabled children etc. So I suppose getting in touch now was not completely daft of me hope they will think the same! I just want to start the process and quite happy to wait longer for the match. I will give myself a break and get in touch within a week. I am just hoping to have a nice conversation without being told straight away to wait 3 years and get a bigger house. I am still particularly upset about the house as we just bought this house and were extremely proud of ourselves. My friend with 3 children also lives in a two bedroom house and devotes her time to their children. They will move when she is back to work so can afford it but for now it's more important for her to be able to stay with the kids. Their youngest is in the parents bedroom and will move in with the older ones soon. They will have bunk beds. I just don't get it why would a young adopted child under 3 need their own bedroom?

xx Rianon

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Saturday, November 2nd 2013, 9:48am

Hi Rianon,

I'm so glad the info pack was good and you're feeling more positive about it all again. I lost track of the amount of books I read but one I would really recommend is 'An adoption diary' by Maria James. Although it is 10 years old the process is basically the same. It's really quick and easy to read and I found it really useful for passing round to any of our friends and family that wanted to know more. We got a huge reading list when we went on our prep course but in general I'd just read whatever you can get your hands on on the subject, it all helps! I find the bedroom thing baffling too!

I think second time round the process would be a bit quicker in that we wouldn't have to do all our life histories etc again just update a few bits but you still have to do panel etc......x x

TTC since 2007

1st ICSI cycle BFP 13.11.09 - m/c 15.11.09
2nd ICSI cycle BFN 18.3.11
3rd ICSI cycle - BFN 2.9.11

Jan '12 - We are now hoping to adopt!
July '13 - We did it! bab19
September '14 - We did it again! bab19

mini mcgee's diary




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