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  • "jen84288" started this thread

Posts: 512

Reg: Aug 24th 2008

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Friday, October 12th 2012, 1:59pm

life is so difficult at the moment :( jealous 3 year old

Hi Ladies,
Im in desperate need of advice. I have a 3.5 year old daughter and an almost 10 week old daughter. My eldest has always been 'spirited' and a bit of a livewire but a very sociable little girl and bright as a button. She's had me on my toes from the word go, eyes always wide open and she even started rolling at the grand old age of 4 weeks! I was reluctant to have a second because i found the baby stage so tough but persuaded by my husband we decided to have another. My newest little lady is mega chilled out and i dont even know i've got her! Since late pregnancy / early arrival of DD2, DD1 has been unbearable :( she is so naughty ALL the time. She shouts and screams, tantrums wherever we take her, is mean to her sister and is wetting herself all day long. I know she is jealous and i try to involve her as much as possible but im at my wits end. i love her very much but sometimes it is so hard to like someone who screams at you daily :( I often find myself getting so cross that i found the baby stage with DD1 so difficult and now i've just had a new baby im finding DD1 so difficult yet again. I try not to compare and never would say in front of her but its just so difficult :( I am breastfeeding and co sleeping also which i think makes the issue worse for DD1. Every night i go to bed feeling guilty for how i feel but the very next day it starts all over again :( i dont smack her but do use the naughty cushion and sometimes if she's really bad she loses priveledges like going swimming or on a day out we've planned. im trying to use positive praise but unfortunately there is very little that is positive :( i had to giggle to myself this morning though when i bathed them both DD1 said to me "Charlotte (new baby) is like Horrid henry and im like perfect peter".

I make videos of my girls for them to watch when they're older and recently i have had to watch the latest one of DD1 a few times a day just to remember how much i love her and the lovely times we have had. This makes me sad that i am finding it so difficult to love my child at the moment :(

( Anyway, DD1's video just so you dont think she's all bad ;)(apologies for the pixelation - have tried to restore the footage without success so far)

Lydia 2 years old - YouTube
DH poor motility-Excellent SA following change in diet
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Friday, October 12th 2012, 2:28pm

Hi, sorry I don't have any great advice but I didn't want to read and run. I have no experience of two lo's but I'm sure there will be a few others along who have been through the same thing.

Funnily enough I was talking to someone at my toddler group this morning who has two boys, 18 months between them. Her eldest never came near her for two months after the youngest came along and had very little to do with her for a good while after. It was only when the baby got bigger and interacted with the eldest (they could have fun together) things settled down. Hope you don't have to wait too long and things get a bit better soon. x p.s I'm sure everyone will agree that there are times we wonder 'what on earth have I done wrong and why is my child being such a little monster' don't worry, you are not alone!


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Friday, October 12th 2012, 5:37pm

hi,

i do have 2 young spirited children 4.5 yrs and 2.3 months. those early days are really hard. i breastfed and still co-sleep with both of them. i book an appt to 'sleep' with my dh lol. i had both in bed with me from birth and the elder 1 slept on one side of me and LO the other. if by any chance the slept next to each other my elder 1 did not move or wriggle at all.

i used to try and read to the elder 1 while breastfeeding and get him to get baby wpes and nappy and cream for me. i used to let him 'help wash baby bottom' and 'help' to put the vream on. i tried to ignore the bad behaviour and praise like mad the good. i also enrolled dh into making bathtime just for him and elder 1, baby not included. just some 'them time. i asked daddy to take on a bigger role with elder 1, drawing together, park trips etc. baby not included. can your dh take some of the strain?

i tried also very hard to play wiith elder 1 when baby was asleep - even if it was just building bricks or colouring together or reading. you probably know all this. it is so hard, but for a while (aat least) it does get easier. i still try to ignore the bad, but its harder when you have 2 mobile toddlers testing the boundaries at the same time!!!

good luck, i hope some else will be along wth points i may have forgotten!

xxxxxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

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Friday, October 12th 2012, 6:35pm

I just wanted to say 'what a very lovely video'.

I don't have any good advice I'm afraid. My second child was 'difficult to love' :rollseyes: In hindsight she just needed time to get her head together. It helped when she started to go to playgroup and then preschool. Does Lydia go to anything like that?

Jasper

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Friday, October 12th 2012, 8:03pm

Hi I can understand how you are feeling as I am having similar problems. I feel like DS hates me since the arrival of DD. I have just stopped bf but that caused so much jealousy. We have had to introduce the naughty step but I am not sure if he understands as he can't talk very much yet. I am doing alot of the things tht Jade mentioned, praising the good behaviour and making good use of the time when DD is asleep. I had a chat with my HV about it too, maybe that might be worth a try. It is so hard having two children so close together but on the positive side they should be really close as they grow up together. x


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Friday, October 12th 2012, 8:52pm

I don't have two children, but will offer what advice I know from teaching children and from lots of reading from supernanny! I would recommend her books and also anything by Dr Spock, although very different in their approaches it makes interesting reading where you can decide what you want to do personally! I might be back for advice when I have two myself though!

Lydia is feeling a little insecure just now and testing the limits. Spend quality one on one time with her everyday doing something she enjoys, so she knows you are still there for her, even though this other baby has entered her life. Have you tried to comfort her when she is screaming? I am not sure of the circumstances, so maybe this isnt appropriate. She will pick up on your insecurities too, so be confident, firm, fair and consistent in your approach. Dont just let her off because you know she is struggling with her little sister, then she wont know what are the boundaries and will be more confused and more upset. Lydia sounds like a child who likes structure, so make sure her daily routine stays as much the same too and let her know in advance what you are doing. Even just like telling her mummy is going to feed Charlotte, then Daddy will come and take her and them mummy can play with Lydia. I know not everyone is fond of this type if thing, but would she understand a sticker chart - then you can focus on positive behaviours, which is good for you and her. She can get them for all sorts of things including keeping herself dry, being good on an outing etc. you would need to explain the chart before you do activities to remind her. I suggest this because often once children start to behave In a different way, it becomes habit. The sticker chart could be used short term to help break the negative habits and to help you see what she does positively, when at the moment it is hard.

The main thing to remember is that you are doing a wonderful job and are a great mummy. Let us know how you get on. Xxx

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Friday, October 12th 2012, 9:19pm

Just crashing here again, Amazing Grace I tried to get Supernanny but she was busy, will you come and live with me??? : D


FET JAN 2012 - 2 embies :BFN:
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  • "jen84288" started this thread

Posts: 512

Reg: Aug 24th 2008

Children: 2 daughters

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Friday, October 12th 2012, 9:37pm

thanks hopeful - its nice to hear there are people in the same position and that it is more than likely a phase

thanks for the tips thejadematthews. we are generally paired off at the moment and DH ends up entertaining L while i look after C. I am trying to get time with L also but even when we try playing a game it ends in tears somehow :S but i will keep trying. We had a "teaparty" lunch with her dolls together today while C was sleeping which seemed to go fairly well. I have tried ignoring the bad behaviour and praising good but it seems that her bad behaviour is getting worse and she's now hitting/smacking/pinching me and even sometimes C so i just dont want to ignore her when her behaviour is that bad but i am ignoring the wetting.

thanks bells :) yes she has just started preschool which does help (although she's had chicken pox recently so has been off school so i know the fact she is not too well has made her behaviour worse)

jasper - good to know im not alone :S i cant believe how awful shes been and everyday i start out trying to make a real big effort but it quickly goes down hill. I dont know about you but my biggest problem is when C goes down for a nap DD1 makes it her mission to wake her up anyway possible. Im still breastfeeding every 2 hours which doesnt help but generally other than feeding DD2 doesnt seem to require too much attention (yet!) which im so thankful for at the moment. I did speak to the HV who said we should sit down together and write down the positive things about our day which has helped me more than anything see that there are some good moments despite being very few!

amazing grace - great tips and i will have a look at those books. she definately does like structure and routine which i think is the main issue. she has just started preschool so this is all new for her and having to share DH and I with her new sister. i will try and comfort her when she's screaming and see if that helps and will dig out her old sticker chart and give that another go. you make a good point on how her behaviour may have become a habit. I keep telling her how important she is in our family and what a good big sister she is but it doesnt seem to work :( i think it makes it worse because im so scared to take her out anywhere at the moment because everything turns into a tantrum so we feel a bit housebound
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Friday, October 12th 2012, 11:14pm

Hi Jen,

I shall read your thread with interest as I am hoping to be in your position soon :-) Your little girl is lovely and I hope things soon get better. One thing I really plan to do is go to do same playgroups as before (we go somewhere pretty much every day when DD is with me - I was a full time mum for a year,then part time and now full time again). And there she will hopefully have a lot of fun (she does now) while I can silently sleep in the corner with younger child in a sling. Might not work, but I generally found getting out of the house is somehow always helpful. If she does have a tantrum you can still turn back - but everyone at a playgroup will understand what's going on and no-one will mind.

I also plan to have LO in a separate room early on despite BF, however it is an individual thing and might not at all work for you. It worked for us with DD as our flat is tiny and she is still literally next to us.

Really hope things get better for you soon.

xxx Rianon

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Monday, October 15th 2012, 11:49pm

I'm reading this with interest too,my boy has been a wee horror since DD came along,sometimes he is smothering her with kisses and other times he is biting her or pouring juice over her!
;(

We do loads with him,he goes to private nursery one day a week,other days we go to Soft Play normally twice a week to different places, we visit family etc very rarely is he stuck at home all day as i always try and go out somewhere with him. I have been trying the naughty step which did work but doesn't now! I take his cars/favourite toys off him etc but nothing seems to work with him.

I have involved him with DD from the moment we brought her home, he gets the nappies,wipes etc and helps change her bum,sometimes gets to start giving her the bottle,I've explained she is just a wee baby and needs looking after etc but all just goes in one ear and out the other.

I have tried some of Supernanny's tips, going down to his level to give him telling off,tried rewards etc but sometimes he just pushes my buttons too far and i shout at him, he then just mimmicks me 8| I'm at my wits end sometimes, don't know what to do now.

The HV said it was the age gap and also because he isn't getting my full attention and is used to it being just him, she said it will get better...hopefully sooner rather than later!!

At the weekend there DH was working so we were going to meet my Mum and go to soft play then out for late lunch/early tea, the 3 of is were all dressed and i had Dd lying on my bed, DS was there too and i just bent down to put my shoes on and fasten them up when there was this almighty scream from DD, DS had decided to bite her finger, she cried for about 10 minutes solid and had teeth marks on her finger for hours. I sent DS to bed and called my Mum to say i wasn't going to meet her, i also picked up and put away every car i could find in the house, DS fell asleep and when he woke i had a chat with him and he came downstairs and was most upset that his cars were away, I told him why and said he would get them back next day if he behaved, I asked why he bit his sister and he said " just cause" ?o(
He them asked about 4 times if we were going out somewhere i said no, and explained why we weren't going out,he was disappointed but hopefully he will learn!





  • "jen84288" started this thread

Posts: 512

Reg: Aug 24th 2008

Children: 2 daughters

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Thursday, January 3rd 2013, 10:47pm

Thanks rhianon :)

bride2b - sorry only just spotted your reply. Are things any better? things have improved slightly for us but i am still struggling with daily tantrums :S reassuring to know that her behaviour is somewhat 'normal' - such a difficult time when a new baby arrives xx
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    Turkey

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Thursday, January 3rd 2013, 11:45pm

Hi Jen

hmm well sometimes i think things are getting better then DS turns into a monster again,somedays he is good as gold and then will have a run of above 3 days where he is a nightmare! He is actually better if it's just me he's with or DH but when its both Mummy & Daddy he seems to be worse tries to play us off against eachother i think.

He has been a horror for the last 5 or so days but we were so busy in the run up to Christmas and had lots on and a few late nights over Christmas so i am hoping now its all over and done with we will get back to a kinda "normal" routine(with not so many tanturms) probably wishful thnking haha!

Also his latest trick is screaming he house down and getting up about 20 times when we put him to bed, we've never had any trouble with that before, he has always gone to bed awake,had a story and gone to sleep so don'tknow what's brought this on...happy days :sleeping: x





  • "jen84288" started this thread

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Friday, January 4th 2013, 8:27am

thats how it seems to be with us...she seems good on the odd day and then we have a a few bad days whereas before it was every day. L seems to be better behaved for dh and is ok for me if C is asleep. As soon as she wakes up she gets naughty. She has such a bad attitude and is so cheeky to me and when we go out it can be so bad :( she has always been a bit challenging but when taking her out she was always so good because she loved being around other children but not anymore. Luckily C is very laid back (but i dont think i get much choice) - im just working on getting C to sleep at the same time as L as i am trying to reclaim some of my evening but so far c has been going to sleep (in our room) later than L as it gives me a couple of hours in the morning with just L while C sleeps (not that C is any bother but L seems to be much better) i dont know whether its an age thing - i think when L had a public tantrum when she was 2 it was more acceptable...now shes older and can verbalise how she feels it comes across much more 'bratty'. xx
DH poor motility-Excellent SA following change in diet
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  • "Redwillow" is 38 years old today

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Friday, January 4th 2013, 9:48am

Have just seen this thread I was a nanny for a family and they had this problem. They had a very good routine so I made a chart for the lo and it had pictures of mum,dad,grandma the baby and me. Every morning the mum would set it up with him telling him what was going to happen everyday and the would put in the time for mummy alone time and daddy alone time and it really seemed to help because he knew what was happening next and who was looking after him. I also introduced a feeding basket which had toys and had something new(very small pound shop like or a balloon) as well as a drink and a snack. It would only come out when it was feeding time but it made him forget he did not have the full attention of who was caring for him. But it was taken away when baby was fed and attention could be given fully again.

I hope it gets better for you soon.



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  • "jen84288" started this thread

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Friday, January 4th 2013, 11:07am

thanks redwillow - some great tips :)

i think i need to set some more time aside for dd1 - i think i forget shes only 3 sometimes. Although C is very easy she does require alot from me in that i breastfeed on demand. I also think that the fact she sleeps with us doesnt help (we are in the process of finding a bigger house as C currently doesnt have her own room). it must feel very discluding to L. hoping things will improve soon - C will be starting solids in the next month so maybe when she needs me a bit less it might get easier x
DH poor motility-Excellent SA following change in diet
BFP:26.09.08




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