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  • "Natural_Horse" started this thread

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Tuesday, August 7th 2012, 4:51pm

We're trying again and I'm scared stiff!

I’m sorry to be starting a new thread on an issue that has been talked about (many times) in this thread but as of yesterday my DH and I are trying for a second and I am scared stiff!

Firstly, a little bit of history. I’m 34 and my DH has slow swimmers. I donated eggs to help fund a cycle of ICSI. Thankfully it worked first time for us and I have a darling 19 month old girl.

My DH and I got talking and for the first time he has admitted he would like us to have another. I would too. We are going to try to naturally conceive, but since it didn’t happen naturally for five years, then it looks like we are going to have to do fertility treatment again. I know miracles can happen and DH’s swimmers are ‘borderline’, so maybe??

We have a deadline to work to though. We can’t afford to finance a cycle, so would donate again but the age cut-off is 35…. Yikes!

So six months of trying naturally and then treatment.

And I must admit I am petrified of hopping on the rollercoaster again. First trying naturally and worrying about ovulation, then devastation at the end of each month. And then going through treatment, the side effects, the stress of trying to work when you have to go and have a million scans, not to mention looking after our DD.

And what if it doesn’t work and it’s all for nothing?

Or what if it does work? Naturally or otherwise? We only have a 2 bed house and tried to move last year but couldn’t get a good enough offer. What about the cost of childcare for two? I don’t think it would be worth returning to work but we can’t live off one salary alone.

Oh and my pregnancy was not nice and the birth of my DD was traumatic. I am petrified of going through labour again.

In my heart of hearts, I so want another baby but practically it doesn’t make sense to try again at this point in our lives. Our little girl is our world and I want to give her everything, included my undivided attention.

Gosh I just don’t know what I want really. For now, I view trying naturally as the breathing space to make the decision whether to go through treatment again. God knows how I will feel if I managed to get pregnant naturally – elated yes but probably equally petrified.

Are there others who feel like me? Torn in both directions?

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Tuesday, August 7th 2012, 6:10pm

Hi Hun

I don't think there is ever a right or wrong time. There is 2 and half years between my two and they absolutely love each other. I did think about the affect on ds1 but to be honest it has been completely positive.

And I think sometimes we have to do things quicker because of the age situation and that dictating.

I think trying naturally for six months is a good decision.

Good luck Hun.x

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gemmab

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Tuesday, August 7th 2012, 6:11pm

Sorry another- with regards to the birth that soon gets forgotten. Unfortunately my second was worse than the first but I still wouldn't change my decisions!!!!

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Tuesday, August 7th 2012, 7:17pm

I can completely understand many of your fears! I was lucky enough to be blessed with a miracle after we had decided not to have any more treatment. I am grateful every single day but I still had the same worries that you are experiencing, I love my DS so much, I worried that I just couldn't love another baby so much, but I do! You find ways of balancing the attention between the, I do feel guilty that DS isn't getting somuch attention from me, but I just think of how growing up with a sibling is going to be so wonderful for him and as time goes on it will get eaisier to find time to give them each undivided attention. I also worry about finances, for my first year at work I think I will bring home less than £100 a week for 26 hours, but it's only a year and then DS will start school and things will get easier. I could give up work, but I have a job I enjoy and earn resaonable money, so I am thinking long term. I was also petrified about labour despite having a straight forward birth with DS, it was still very painful!!! Maybe you could think about Hypnobirthing, I had a crash course while in labour as I was trying to fight it and it wsn't going well. It really helped although it isn't for everyone I guess. As for looking after DD, just think that if you get pg now by the time you have the baby she will be 9 months older, so try not toimagine what life would belike now with a newborn as she will be doing much more for herself by then.

I hope some of this helps you to make the right decision for your family. xx


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  • "Natural_Horse" started this thread

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 9:15am

with regards to the birth that soon gets forgotten

Gemma - 19 months on and I still haven't forgotten the birth of my DD. How the actual pain felt, that memory is gone, but I remember losing the ability to think, I remember the panic and I remember my screams. Sorry to sound so dramatic and I know others have gone through the same thing, and worse, but the birth of my DD was the worse thing I have ever experienced. Of course it was directly followed by the best experience of my life, but that still doesn't take away the trauma previously.

Jasper - thank you for your comment too. Both of you ladies have helped me be a little less scared. Age is against me, so it is pushing me into action now but I also think that if treatment doesn't work next year, then maybe a year down the track we will look to self-fund a cycle, through remortgaging or something.

I do look at pregnant women and feel a pang of envy. I remember when people used to pay attention to me and not my DD. Nowadays I always get asked how she is, not how I am. I did enjoy the attention you get from being pregnant. Lol

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 2:41pm

Hi hun and welcome to the wonderful world of trying again! :thumbup:

The other ladies have already given you great advice. I hope you don't mind me throwing my tuppenceworth in too.

I don't believe there is a right and wrong time to have another. If you feel ready to try again, and you and your DH are singing from the same songsheet - then that sounds good to me. You'll know in your heart whether you're ready or not. And really, we've not much control over what's around the corner anyway - you may well be one of the lucky ones to have a miracle natural pregnancy soon xfingers ... or Baby No. 2 may keep you waiting a good while longer. So there's not much point sweating the small stuff until you are pregnant again. Money, work, space, childcare etc - it'll all work out ok when the time comes - it does for other families!

For those, and for the bigger things, such as giving birth again, and dividing your love and attention between two little ones - well, I had the same worries when I fell unexpectedly pregnant last spring (DS1 was 16 months). I was terrified of going through labour again - we're blissfully ignorant first time round, aren't we? - But you know that baby's got to come out somehow! I'm sure your midwives will work with you next time around to ensure it's as comfortable as it can be, and maybe try to avoid anything that added to the trauma first time. Cross that bridge when you come to it hun...

I also couldn't imagine how I could possibly love another child as much as my miracle firstborn - but a friend of mine assured me that you don't halve your love between two of them... instead you have double the love to share :heart: And I really held on to that thought. Tragically, our precious DS2 was born asleep at 36 weeks, and so I am sharing my children's love in a very different way. But one thing i have learned from this experience is how quickly life can turn around - for good or for bad - and while it's good to have a plan for the future, it's not worth worrying about the little details. It'll all fall into place in the end.

I don't mean to sound all miserable in your post [zx028] It's just these are a few of the things I wish someone had told me last year, when I had almost exactly the same concerns as you have now. And age isn't against you at 34 lassie! I'm 37 and trying for Baby No. 3! And, yes, I'm torn in different directions over that too...

Best of luck with your journey xxx


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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 8:39pm

Hi,

So many nice replies to your thread. I could write a million things too but it is so very individual. What caught my eyes was from your original post:

"In my heart of hearts, I so want another baby"

I would say go for it and work on the challenges (house, labour, money, love etc.) on the way. Really hope it works naturally and you don't need treatment. I wouldn't worry about ovulation just have some fun every 2-3 days as that gives nearly equal chance. You did not say anything was wrong with you and many times a previous pregnancy makes the body more baby friendly.

Good luck to ypu Moogle as well babydust

xx Rianon

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 8:42pm

Hi Hun

I am sorry if I sounded awful didn't mean to.

The thing I did second time round is recognised the signs of when I was going to lose control. First time round I lost control and was totally out of it due to pain. This time I recognised it and got the epidural before it got too much. This time I had a spinal tear and ended up back in hospital having another epidural but I still don't think it would stop me doing it again.

Could you think about a c section?

ICSI 1 Apr 08-m/c 9.5.8
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Thursday, August 9th 2012, 9:15am

Aww thanks ladies for your replies. Gemmab - I didn't think you were being awful.

*hugs* Moogle.

All your words have really helped me to come to terms that, yes, I want another and I wont stress about the small stuff. Why worry now about something that may or may not happen in the future?

I contacted my clinic to ask whether they would consider me for the egg share programme again. I didn't have a spectacular response to stimms and to qualify for the programme only for another 6 months (then the age limit comes into effect). So I'll wait and see what they say.

Oh and as for me, there are no issues with my fertility but DH has 'borderline' slow swimmers. So even though we tried for five years without success, it's not impossible for a natural PG. xfingers

As for labour and birth - well I heard in the news a few months back women can elect for c-sections now if there is a case for it, so if I ever got to that stage then I will definitely look into it. Even after resiting the epidural three times, it had no effect on me. I am apparently one of those 2% percent were it doesn't work for.

So thank you all for helping me feel better about the decision to 'go for it' and I wont stress the small stuff. It all works out in the end.

gemmab

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Thursday, August 9th 2012, 9:19am

That's fab news Hun.im glad we helped in someway.

I hope the clinic get back to you soon but I also hope you won't need their help.

Good luck.x

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Thursday, August 9th 2012, 10:02am

Hi just a real quickly to say dh and I are in exactly the same boat as you. All your thoughts you stated in your first post are identical to what I have been thinking about and worrying about for months now. We actually tried another self funded cycle in feb/march and it was unsuccessful - 6k gone just like that. I vowed never to pay for it again as that was money that could have gone towards getting the DIY and decor etc done in our house or towards our 18 month old dd. we too are at the start of hopefully being able to do egg share although the clinic are being a bit slow. It's not the right time practically as we have loans to pay off, we want to give dd all our attention and my work etc. my last maternity leave got us in the poo financially last time but hey I'll just have to be one of these mums that goes back to full time work after say 4 months. The main thing is though the yearning to be pregnant again and give dd a sibling is greater than all my other worries. I am blinkered to get to this goal. Doesn't help that I am surrounded by people getting pregnant at the drop of the hat but that's life I suppose. Good luck on your journey I hope things are successful for you either naturally or through egg share. Xx

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Thursday, August 9th 2012, 2:10pm

Hi NH, just wondering do you have any frosties (I can't remember) or would you have to do a fresh cycle? Financially fet wouldn't be so expensive. As some of the others have said there's maybe never a right time to try again, there's always something else you could spend money on isn't there? Ultimately though I think your desire for another will overcome all these obstacles. I truly wish you all the best whatever you decide. x


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Thursday, August 9th 2012, 3:59pm

emm81 - thanks for your comments and I'm glad that I'm not the only one to have these thoughts/feelings.

Hopeful - Hi!!! Hope all is well with you and your gorgeous boy. No I have no frosties. I egg shared the first time, so gave half of mine away and put the only two good ones in. FET would be a nice option to have, but things didn't work out that way.

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Thursday, August 9th 2012, 5:35pm

hi,

just reiterate, theres never a right/wrong time to have a baby.

my husband has sperm issues so i put him on tesco own man vits, cq10, vit c for the last 4 months, ive been using a clearblue fertility monitor for 4 months . i have low amh (39.9 Yrs), perimenopausal and only 1 ovary working.

in the past we had icsi which resulted in our 1st child, then we fell naturally 4 wks after a icsi m/c, which resulted in our 2nd. we were told 6 months ago that our only way forward was donor eggs with icsi (who has the kind of money??????). so we decided on cbfm (ebay £50), research vits for him and see how it goes. last wk had a pos test.today 1st set of bloods say 493 and just waitin on saturdays now.

i mention this as maybe vits and cbfm may be of use to you for these next 6 months. just a thought. anyway good luck with whateve decision you make

xxxxxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

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Friday, August 10th 2012, 12:30am

Hey Chic

Well lookey here eh! Thats fab you are going to try again.
I am keeping everything crossed for a natural pg for you. They do say you have more chance of a natural one after having previously been pregnant etc. :)

My DH has sperm issues. I have put him on the Wellmans conception vits as I have researched lots on them and they appear to be fabulous.

I shallbe trying naturaly with you too. Done clomid this month but I cant go through it again I dont think so naturaly only for moi. No TX of any kind now.

Dont worry about the room at home etc. We are also in a small 2 bedder but Its amazing how things just end up falling into place. You find the room, the money etc etc.

Good luck NH.
X

[zx071]
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Friday, August 10th 2012, 12:34am

Ahhh i just worked out what CBFM means lol

[zx071]
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This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "taxihome" (Aug 10th 2012, 12:36am)


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Friday, August 10th 2012, 9:20pm

Lol me to taxi!

Thanks ladies for all your comments.

Tbh dh spent five years taking vitamins and other stuff I found on the web without any success. I don't think I can get him to do all that over again. I have some ov sticks from last time that I can use but this time I want to keep it all low key as for five years it took over my life and had be in tears every other day. So will be sure to be aware of approx ovulation time and bd as much as possible and just leave it at that for now.

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Friday, August 10th 2012, 9:49pm

Think I am one of those 2%!! The epidural never worked for me too! Absolute agony! Had every drug possible and it was only when they finally wheeled me down to theatre for a spinal block did I not feel a thing. I too would want to opt for a c-section if we were to have another child although I know scary things can happen with that too so not the easy way out. Still, despite all that pain it hasn't put me off and we would love it if we had another child (but not the end of the world if we don't).

Good luck hun and I hope it works naturally for you so you can save some pennies :) xx
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Saturday, August 11th 2012, 7:29pm

We are trying again too with you! We have been trying naturally for a while, but I know I won't concieve naturally. We are having a natural FET in September on my next period! I am excited, but nervous! I would love another sibling for N, but if it didn't happen then we feel totally blessed with her and I would be ok with it - I think! Sometimes I worry how i'd manage with 2. N is such an easy baby and I find it hard going at times, just constant and my brain is fried, although I do love it and wouldn't have it any other way! If I get a screamer with number 2, it would be hard, but we'd get through it!!

Essentially I totally understand where you are coming from and I think it is natural to have these questions in your head. Regarding childcare and your house etc, if you were to get pregnant again, these things will work themselves out - they always do. I think sometimes we have these negative thoughts to protect ourselves if you get me, I know I think I do anyway.

Wishing you the best of everything lovely lady! xxx

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Monday, August 13th 2012, 12:29pm

Hi all - just heard from my old clinic who won't accept me on to the egg share programme due to me not responding well to the stimms last time.

I am gutted to be honest and was a little emotional when I found out but now I am feeling a little relieved.

This now takes the pressure off my deadline and we can try naturally for a year and if nothing happens, then we can either find the money to self-fund or try another egg share programme which accepts women up to the age of 36.

Or the other alternative is to just leave it be and concentrate on giving our darling little girl the best life possible.

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Monday, August 13th 2012, 2:31pm

Hi NH,

just wanted to say :goodluck: with ttc naturally...you just never know, especially if there is a chance (even if it is only a small one) that it can happen. We had to have IVF for our 1st DS and had already started saving for another fresh cycle (as no frosties) at the end of this year, when low and behold I missed a period and we found out that I was pregnant in February!!!! DH has low morphology and I have a high FSH (less eggs than I should have), and although we knew there was a small chance of it happening I never thought it would happen to us and it did!!!! My best advice would be to give up (and I know easier said than done) on the trying thing and just [zx084] when you and DH want to. I think having a goal of tx at the end of the year helped me and I decided just to forget about it and enjoy our little boy until then. I too can't imagine loving another child like I love DS but I know that when our 2nd little baby boy is here I WILL. I keep thinking because they were conceived in different ways will that make me feel differently about them, but I'm sure they're all just normal thoughts and feelings that anyone having a 2nd child will think about and go through.


Wishing you lots of luck and sending you loads of babydust XXXXXXXX



Oct 07 - BFP - M/C
Dec 09 - IVF - BFP - DS#1 EC/S @ 40+6
Feb 12 - BFP - DS#2 @ 41
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