You are not logged in.


Unread posts

Dear visitor, welcome to FertilityZone . If this is your first visit here, please read the Help. It explains in detail how this page works. To use all features of this page, you should consider registering. Please use the registration form, to register here or read more information about the registration process. If you are already registered, please login here.

  • "hopeful h" started this thread

Posts: 1,341

Reg: Feb 9th 2010

Location: Ireland

Children: 1 perfect boy born after icsi tx

Thanks: 27 / 9

  • Send private message

1

Saturday, August 13th 2011, 1:22pm

DH and I not on the same page.

Apologies in advance for the long post but I just need to put this in writing to see if it makes any sense and maybe I might answer my own question. DH and I were blessed in December with our DS after our first round of icsi. We absolutely love him to bits and he's made our lives so happy. We have 5 snow babies waiting for us and we have always assumed we would use them. I would dearly love a little brother or sister for ds as I am an only child and it's been difficult dealing with parental illness and death on my own, I think having a sibling would have helped a lot (or maybe not) Anyway a couple of weeks ago DH and I had a major row which started over nothing and came down to our embryos. He said he felt he couldn't go through all the stress of trying again and having a newborn to deal with. When I was 7 months pregnant with DS we found out DH had blocked arteries and he had to have stents fitted, it's been a major life changing event for us both in addition to having a baby. His illness has various side effects the main one being tiredness and short temper. He used to be really laid back and I can see his personality has changed a lot. He loves our son without a doubt but I can see sometimes he struggles when lo is crying or just being grumpy. Anyway I told him I was worried if we didn't have another baby I was scared I would end up resenting him for taking the decision from me. I know we could try again and it may not work anyway but that's a different issue. This argument happened the night before I was taking lo to visit family in England so it was all left in the air. When I came back DH said he'd thought long and hard and wanted to have another go, he wants us to phone our clinic and make enquiries about FET. He said if we are going to do it, it would be better now and get the baby stage over at roughly the same time. I know I should be delighted but I am worried that I have backed him into a corner although he says I've not and he's realised it's what he wants now too. Sorry for the long ramble but I hope this makes sense. If anyone has been through anything similar or has any advice I'd really, really appreciate it. Thanks for reading.


FET JAN 2012 - 2 embies :BFN:
2 still on ice for another day xfingers

My Diary

Dusky7

FORUM MENTOR

Posts: 8,345

Reg: Aug 12th 2008

Location: Devon

Children: Two beautiful little girls, so so lucky!! :)

What's Up?
:hello:

Thanks: 462 / 78

  • Send private message

2

Saturday, August 13th 2011, 2:42pm

Oh Hopeful h, poor you! Fertility treatment puts such a huge strain on a relationship doesn't it, especially with your DH's issues on top. I really feel for you hon, we too were so lucky first time with ICSI, when DD was about a year old I broached the subject but DH wasn't ready (DD had reflux and was a real pickle for about 6 months and he wanted a bit of us time), it caused huge arguments. He finally said that it was the right time just before christmas and we did FET in May (which sadly didn't work but starting again next week). Even about a month ago he got cold feet and wasn't sure if he wanted to go through it all again just yet. It is so hard.

Personally, if your DH has said he wants to go ahead, I would run with it, for sure. You will be going through it all together and it will definitely all be worth it in the end!!

Wishing you loads of luck hon lol xxxx

Oh, and btw, your DS is so gorgeous!!! (But you know that) :) x

  • "hopeful h" started this thread

Posts: 1,341

Reg: Feb 9th 2010

Location: Ireland

Children: 1 perfect boy born after icsi tx

Thanks: 27 / 9

  • Send private message

3

Saturday, August 13th 2011, 3:25pm

Dusky thanks for the reply, when I read back my post it seemed so selfish and all about me but I really can't help the way I feel. DH means everything to me and I don't want to risk his health in any way. I thought I'd just be grateful having one child but being a Mummy is so wonderful I want to do it all again and have more. I've already got the ache when I see a newborn and I know it's hard work and not all a bed of roses but we just can't help the way we feel can we? Maybe it is harder when there's fertility issues because there's so much to think about with financial issues etc and it's not a case of well lets try again like ''normal couples''. I was following your diary when you done your FET but I admit I've not been by for a while so I'm off now to catch up with you. x


FET JAN 2012 - 2 embies :BFN:
2 still on ice for another day xfingers

My Diary

Dusky7

FORUM MENTOR

Posts: 8,345

Reg: Aug 12th 2008

Location: Devon

Children: Two beautiful little girls, so so lucky!! :)

What's Up?
:hello:

Thanks: 462 / 78

  • Send private message

4

Saturday, August 13th 2011, 3:31pm

It didn't sound selfish at all, not at all. This whole process is so very hard, and I appreciate that as you say, for 'normal couples' that maybe have to try for a while it must be really hard, but we have it confirmed that we can't do it on our own and it is such a dififcult pill to swallow, plus the extra cost, emotional stress, not to mention all the side effects from the drugs. It is actually very hard not to think about ourselves when we are the ones going through it all...

But, that said we know that the whole thing is most definitely worth it, we are so lucky!! xxx

gemmab

FORUM MENTOR

Posts: 15,592

Reg: Feb 8th 2008

Location: stoke-on-trent

Children: 2 miracle icsi boys and 2 step kids.

What's Up?
Getting ready for another egg donation!!!

Thanks: 116 / 31

  • Send private message

5

Saturday, August 13th 2011, 8:26pm

Quick post cause on mobile.

I went through the same thing with dh. He said no way to more treatment I i was ever so upset and feeling selfish like you.

I left it for a while and we then talked again and he came round to the idea himself.

I also thought I had backed him into it but he assured mee I hadn't.

And here we are 9 weeks pregnant and BOTH over the moon!!!!

Just go with what he says and good luck.x

ICSI 1 Apr 08-m/c 9.5.8
FETJul 08-BFN
ICSI 2 Dec 08 (ES) -I'm a mummy Kaynan arrived 19.8.09! :heart:
ICSI 3 Dec 10 (ES) -BFN
FET Mar 11- BFP- M/C ;(
ICSI 4 (ES) -:BFP: 1.7.11 Cobi arrived 09.03.12 [zx160]
Egg donation Aug 2012 BFN for recipient- gutted
Egg donation Dec 2012 Recipient :BFP:
Egg donation 27.05.2013- not great - please pray for the recipient :dust:





Blue

MEMBER

    United Kingdom

Posts: 8,115

Reg: Sep 15th 2008

Location: With the fairies

What's Up?
I need sleep!

  • Send private message

6

Monday, August 15th 2011, 4:01pm

Hello Hopeful,
I'd say it is pretty common for other halves to be the ones resistant to going through treatment again - the stress, the finances, and already having the responsibility of raising a child. And that is without the health concerns your DH has been through, which are still recent. I'd be patient, give him time. The wonderful thing about having frosties is that they were made with your lovely young eggs, and this batch have already proven themselves by giving you your DS, so you do have time.
You are not being selfish at all, it is completely natural how you feel. And hopefully it won't take too long before your DH will feel the same way.
B
x

My Diary
10 years, 5 cycles, and 3 beautiful children.
My family is complete :heart: :heart: :heart:

Posts: 984

Reg: May 19th 2008

Location: Sweden

  • Send private message

7

Sunday, September 18th 2011, 8:40pm

Hey there, as i said on the other thread our babies are the same age and i certainly know how you feel about being broody... Isn't it mad? I positively hated being pregnant and had a complicated one but hells to the now I could start injecting today if money and BMI permitted despite how horrid of a career and life moment it is.

Men tend to be less flushed with mind altering hormones 9 months after delivery ;) and it may explain your husband's first reaction. I agree, run with the new indication. Great that you have frosties and are not going to have to start from scratch like us!:)
33&36 - AZOOSPERMIA - 2008-ICSI Spain =BFN Lost 140lbs -2010-ICSI Sweden =perfect Dara (Mrs_Smiff's Goddaughter!)



  • "hopeful h" started this thread

Posts: 1,341

Reg: Feb 9th 2010

Location: Ireland

Children: 1 perfect boy born after icsi tx

Thanks: 27 / 9

  • Send private message

8

Wednesday, October 26th 2011, 1:56pm

Well quick follow up to the original post, any thoughts would be most appreciated.

After a lot of discussion we decided FET was for us and we went to our clinic 3 weeks ago. It was all very positive and we made our planning appointment for Monday past. We went on holiday for 2 weeks after the first appointment and it wasn't great to be honest. DH was just not himself (he thinks he was fine but he wasn't) Holidays should be stress free and relaxing and he was narky and picky. There were many minor squabbles and arguments during the 2 weeks and we just seemed to be getting on each others nerves.

I don't like when DH moans about DS being whingy etc (in fairness he did cut 2 teeth on holiday) and DH thinks I am very defensive over DS, hope you are following this! Anyway when we came back I told him I didn't want to start tx (which is what I want more than anything) and he thinks I am being stupid and selfish and it's all a storm in a teacup. I cancelled the appointment anyway as it just didn't seem right to start when things are not so good with us. Since Monday we have been tiptoeing around each other and not really sat down and said how we feel and I'm not sure where to go from here. Whenever we start to talk about it things just end up in an even worse argument.

He did tell me a lot of his worries are his health and he's worried that he won't be around to see children grow up ( I was already pregnant with DS when he had his heart troubles) So there we have it, I'm not really expecting any answers as I know it's something we have to sort out together but I just wondered has anyone else been in a similar situation with their OH's. We've been married for 13 years and had many ups and downs but I just wondered does having children put a lot more strain on an otherwise great relationship? Thanks for reading. x


FET JAN 2012 - 2 embies :BFN:
2 still on ice for another day xfingers

My Diary

Posts: 1,347

Reg: Mar 16th 2011

Location: Berkshire

Thanks: 6 / 0

  • Send private message

9

Wednesday, October 26th 2011, 2:17pm

Hi Hopeful

It seems so sad to be fighting when you have such a lovely little boy, and things have been so great between you guys. I don't have children yet, but from an outside point of view, I can see that even the process of IVF is extremely stressful on couples that are very strong. My DH and I have more fights during a cycle, and I resent him more than I ever thought possible when I'm going through IVF. So I can partly see why your DH is hesitant. And almost ALL of my friends who have had babies say it puts incredible strain on their relationship as a couple, which takes a real effort to fix. Add your DH's health issues to the mix and I can see how hard it must be.

I wouldn't ever begin to suggest what you should do (other than love each other and spend time talking) but what I would say is that your son is still very young, and your DH's health issues are still quite new in the big scheme of things. Is it worth waiting a while, for things to settle down, your baby to get older and more manageable and your DH to get used to his illness? Imagine in a year when your little one has teethed, is sleeping through the night, is crawling around and being more interactive with your Dh, and you and him are used to your Dh's new limitations (if he even has any by then, he may have learnt to adapt or be feeling much better), then it would be a good time to start trying again?

By then it might be a completely different story, and you'll both be excited by doing another round. On a cautionary note, remember that frosties aren't as successful as fresh embies, so the chances of it being successful are lower, which could mean an extra element of stress if you are both not feeling that happy about doing a cycle?

Anyway, I really don't want to butt in, just wanted to give you my thoughts. And say that I'm thinking of you, and hoping you guys find your happy place again.

j x


Me 35, DH 37 [zx151]
2 x ICSI :BFN:
1 x FET :BFN:
Nov 11 - 3rd ICSI (Immunology Cycle) :BFP: Please stay with us :pray:





Jewels' Journey - My Diary

Dusky7

FORUM MENTOR

Posts: 8,345

Reg: Aug 12th 2008

Location: Devon

Children: Two beautiful little girls, so so lucky!! :)

What's Up?
:hello:

Thanks: 462 / 78

  • Send private message

10

Wednesday, October 26th 2011, 2:27pm

Hey Hopeful, so sorry to read you and DH aren't getting on great at the moment. That must have been so incredibly hard to cancel your appointment. Did anything kick things off on your holiday, or just niggly things? How is DH's health at the moment? I really feel for you hon, DH and I are quite niggly at the moment (last night he said to me 'why don't you just go and f*** yourself' coz he asked me to turn the light out and I said I would in a few minutes I was just finishing a chapter. It really upset me, I hate it when he uses that word to me. I haven't asked him about it today, trying to pretend to myself that he might have been sleep talking...but he doesn't do that, and he wasn't asleep...!!). The more we seem to talk about our issues the more we end up rowing, so most of the time I just think it is best to keep quiet (though that's not my nature, I don't think it is healthy...). In our relationship having our DD changed everything, obviously more so for me, tired, hormones, not wanting sex as much etc etc. But it is just such a lifestyle change isn't it, there is no proper 'couple time' anymore, no thinking about yourself, you always have someone else that comes before you. Obviously I wouldn't change having DD for anything in the world, and we have great times together as a family, but it is definitely an added strain. I am the same as you, I get quite upset when DH is overly harsh on DD, I try and bite my tongue, and of course I want him to help with discipline etc, but he is stricter than I am...

I am waffling now hon, sorry. Do you feel you can sit down and talk to him about it all at the moment, or do you think more time is needed?

Thinking of you hon xxxx



1st ICSI - Oct 08 - :BFP:!!! DD born July 2009 : D
1st FET - May 11 - BFN :-(
2nd FET - Sept 11 - BFN :bawl:
3rd FET - Jan 12 - :BFP: DD2 born October 2012

DUSKY'S FET DIARY



Blue

MEMBER

    United Kingdom

Posts: 8,115

Reg: Sep 15th 2008

Location: With the fairies

What's Up?
I need sleep!

  • Send private message

11

Wednesday, October 26th 2011, 2:53pm

Hi hopeful,
Well… I can speak from experience! I am now pregnant from a FET, and just over a week ago I thought my great marriage was about to dissolve. My DH knew how much I wanted to try again, and he loves me so much that despite all his worries, he let me. But the strain on our marriage has been really, really tough - and the baby isn't even here yet! DH is incredibly worried that our new baby won't love him like our girls do, because he won't get to spend as much time with him. He is terrified about being able to provide for us all. He can't figure out how we are going to survive and he predicts that we will struggle so much that in a year's time, we will no longer love each other (but stay together just because we don't want the other to get the kids).
I can't reassure him, so all I can do is not stress him any further. This means not talking about our pregnancy, and not bringing him along to scans. It upsets me greatly, but not as much as seeing him panic.
Like you, we have been married for a long time and I thought our marriage could survive anything. But at the moment, it is being tested.

I don't know what to advise, apart from if you can wait, and I mean if you can wait without resenting your DH, then I think you should. Your little one is still very little. Knowing what I know now, if money/time/marriage was not an issue, a good time to try again would be when he is 2. This is because you'll probably potty train him around then, and it's best if there are no major changes at this time (if you want it done quickly!). So having treatment and being pregnant would fit in with this nicely, and your DH might be more relaxed because your DS will be easier to look after. Alas, having a new baby at this time would throw his world upside down! Our baby is due just after our girls turn 2, and this is one thing that worries me. But it's hard, isn't it. I didn't assume my first natural FET would work but miraculously it did. I am so very grateful, and I'm waiting for the day when my DH can relax, enjoy his new son, and share the joy with me.

I hope that helps a little,
Blue
xxx

My Diary
10 years, 5 cycles, and 3 beautiful children.
My family is complete :heart: :heart: :heart:

  • "hopeful h" started this thread

Posts: 1,341

Reg: Feb 9th 2010

Location: Ireland

Children: 1 perfect boy born after icsi tx

Thanks: 27 / 9

  • Send private message

12

Thursday, October 27th 2011, 10:33pm

Girls thanks very much for reading and taking the time to reply with such thoughtful advice. Well it's such a lot to mull over and jewels you are right, it is sad to be fighting when we have so much to be grateful for.

Today I was packing up some of DS clothes he's outgrown and putting some things in bags for charity/ebay etc and DH said what are you doing, when I told him he said don't be giving them away, you know we'll need them, maybe not for a boy but we'll need clothes for another one. I know this is the start of us talking about it properly, the thing is DH is really keen for another and has talked about it a lot since we decided to try again. It was me who put my foot down because I'm worried about so many things. I do know though that we'll manage whatever happens. Tonight DH carved out DS halloween pumpkin and he done it with such pride for his little boy it just melted my heart. (Not that DS cares about pumpkins at 10 months old!)

I know the main problem is DH short temper, not violent or anything like that, just major grumpiness when he's tired, brought on by his illness and I know that is something that will never go away so it's maybe just going to have to be part of our life, there are worse things I suppose............

Dusky you asked was there anything on holiday that instigated the arguing, well thinking about it now DH had to go to the doctor when we were away and he was diagnosed with severe tonsilitis, he was feeling crappy and tired and we didn't know until the last couple of days so looking back now, maybe I was a bit unsympathetic. :whistling: Anyway I'm sure over the next few days we'll talk things over, onwards and upwards eh?


FET JAN 2012 - 2 embies :BFN:
2 still on ice for another day xfingers

My Diary

Dusky7

FORUM MENTOR

Posts: 8,345

Reg: Aug 12th 2008

Location: Devon

Children: Two beautiful little girls, so so lucky!! :)

What's Up?
:hello:

Thanks: 462 / 78

  • Send private message

13

Thursday, October 27th 2011, 10:39pm

Really hope it all settles very soon hon, this journey is hard enough without those pressures on top isn't it. I completely sympathise with the short temper side of things, my DH is the same.

I know it is easier said than done, god knows I find it impossible at times but talking things through realy is the best way isn't it. Thinking of you and we are always here if you need us xxxx



1st ICSI - Oct 08 - :BFP:!!! DD born July 2009 : D
1st FET - May 11 - BFN :-(
2nd FET - Sept 11 - BFN :bawl:
3rd FET - Jan 12 - :BFP: DD2 born October 2012

DUSKY'S FET DIARY



    United Kingdom

Posts: 951

Reg: May 13th 2009

Location: Manchester

Children: One gorgeous little boy called Daniel

Thanks: 1 / 0

  • Send private message

14

Thursday, October 27th 2011, 11:14pm

Hi Hopeful

I can totally relate to where you & DH are at with the bickering/niggleing etc. DH and I had a very strong marriage before we had DS, we still do I am sure its just sometimes it doesn't feel like it! We always vowed that nothing & no-one would come between us because when we are together we are a team but it has really been tested since we became parents.

My DH is a lot older than me & really hadn't expected to settle down until he met me but then wham we met, fell in love and the rest is history. It took quite a while to have DS and by then DH was nearly 50. We have decided not to have any more children because although I wouldn't have ruled it out so quickly, DH definitely feels he is too old (he also worries about the major life events for our DS and how he might miss them or be too old to enjoy them and so thinks it will be even worse if we have another child). I have totally accepted the decision not to have anymore but it was made easier knowing we didn't have any frosties.

However we constantly argue now and bicker over such minor issues & these soon escalate into huge rows. Its the usual things, the who does most, who's most tired, me snapping to DS defence if DH is too strict or short with him & then DH feeling his opinion isn't valued. I think he has found it hard to adjust to being second in line for my time too. When I am calm and think about it I can understand how upsetting it must be for DH to feel pushed out which in effect he has been. I am so tired a lot of the time that it takes too much effort to communicate properly with each other and so we just ignore the problems until they surface again.

I do know that I am not willing to give up on my marriage, my DH is a fantastic man who has a few minor flaws (as do I, in fact mine are larger than his!). We are tired, we don't know what we are doing most of the time but we do know that we love each other & things can only get better. Mostly we have great family times and these are only going to get more frequent as DS gets old.

Its good you have come on here and written down your thoughts and concerns because I am sure it will help you to understand that this is just a blip in the whole journey you & DH have together. Just keep focussing on you both sitting in your rocking chairs with grey hair and wrinkly faces, laughing about the times you thought were tough xx

Posts: 1,347

Reg: Mar 16th 2011

Location: Berkshire

Thanks: 6 / 0

  • Send private message

15

Friday, October 28th 2011, 7:15pm

You're sounding much more positive Hopeful, I'm so glad. And it sounds like your DH loves his little man, so I'm sure over time you guys will sort it out. Sounds like you love each other plenty enough!

Have a great weekend together, and take care of each other (and your little Halloween angel!)

j x


Me 35, DH 37 [zx151]
2 x ICSI :BFN:
1 x FET :BFN:
Nov 11 - 3rd ICSI (Immunology Cycle) :BFP: Please stay with us :pray:





Jewels' Journey - My Diary

Posts: 799

Reg: Feb 25th 2009

Location: Hatfield, Herts

Children: Alexander (March 2010) - the result of ICSI at Hammersmith

  • Send private message

16

Friday, October 28th 2011, 10:11pm

Having kids is tough!

Hiya,

Your second post sounded a lot more positive. I hope you have a lovely weekend with your gorgeous family.

Having kids is tough. As much as we love them and we wouldn't change a thing, the day-to-day reality is that it's really, really, really hard work. I don't have as much patience as I'd like with either DH or my precious little boy - but then working, being a mummy, running a house, seeing friends and family - aggghhh! It fries my brain sometimes, there's always so much to do. And that makes keeping a relationship on level ground really hard. I end up lashing out at DH as if it's his fault I'm exhausted. So, you're really not alone.

Only thing I would say is that Alex is 19 months now and it gets easier every day. DH is able to relate to him more in some ways which makes him more understanding and patient with him. Alex sleeps really well so we're less tired. It's getting better. We still niggle each other, but overall, it's much, much better than a few months ago. Which is what makes me feel like it's time to rock the boat again with another IVF cycle! I wouldn't have even consdiered another cycle when Alex was less than 12 months - we were struggling a lot. I knew we'd be okay in the long term, but sometimes you need to be sensible and think "can we take any more at the moment"? and just delay a little. A couple more months and you'll probably be in a totally different place.

Good luck, Sarah xxx
May09:ICSI-sperm issues
Jul09: BFP! DS born Mar10
Jan12: ICSI-LOR-BFP-lost at 3 days
May12: looking 4 donor eggs