FertilityZone

Oh Hopeful h, poor you! Fertility treatment puts such a huge strain on a relationship doesn't it, especially with your DH's issues on top. I really feel for you hon, we too were so lucky first time with ICSI, when DD was about a year old I broached the subject but DH wasn't ready (DD had reflux and was a real pickle for about 6 months and he wanted a bit of us time), it caused huge arguments. He finally said that it was the right time just before christmas and we did FET in May (which sadly didn't work but starting again next week). Even about a month ago he got cold feet and wasn't sure if he wanted to go through it all again just yet. It is so hard.

Personally, if your DH has said he wants to go ahead, I would run with it, for sure. You will be going through it all together and it will definitely all be worth it in the end!!

Wishing you loads of luck hon lol xxxx

Oh, and btw, your DS is so gorgeous!!! (But you know that) x

It didn't sound selfish at all, not at all. This whole process is so very hard, and I appreciate that as you say, for 'normal couples' that maybe have to try for a while it must be really hard, but we have it confirmed that we can't do it on our own and it is such a dififcult pill to swallow, plus the extra cost, emotional stress, not to mention all the side effects from the drugs. It is actually very hard not to think about ourselves when we are the ones going through it all...

But, that said we know that the whole thing is most definitely worth it, we are so lucky!! xxx

Quick post cause on mobile.

I went through the same thing with dh. He said no way to more treatment I i was ever so upset and feeling selfish like you.

I left it for a while and we then talked again and he came round to the idea himself.

I also thought I had backed him into it but he assured mee I hadn't.

And here we are 9 weeks pregnant and BOTH over the moon!!!!

Just go with what he says and good luck.x

Hello Hopeful,
I'd say it is pretty common for other halves to be the ones resistant to going through treatment again - the stress, the finances, and already having the responsibility of raising a child. And that is without the health concerns your DH has been through, which are still recent. I'd be patient, give him time. The wonderful thing about having frosties is that they were made with your lovely young eggs, and this batch have already proven themselves by giving you your DS, so you do have time.
You are not being selfish at all, it is completely natural how you feel. And hopefully it won't take too long before your DH will feel the same way.
B
x

Hey there, as i said on the other thread our babies are the same age and i certainly know how you feel about being broody... Isn't it mad? I positively hated being pregnant and had a complicated one but hells to the now I could start injecting today if money and BMI permitted despite how horrid of a career and life moment it is.

Men tend to be less flushed with mind altering hormones 9 months after delivery and it may explain your husband's first reaction. I agree, run with the new indication. Great that you have frosties and are not going to have to start from scratch like us!

Hi Hopeful

It seems so sad to be fighting when you have such a lovely little boy, and things have been so great between you guys. I don't have children yet, but from an outside point of view, I can see that even the process of IVF is extremely stressful on couples that are very strong. My DH and I have more fights during a cycle, and I resent him more than I ever thought possible when I'm going through IVF. So I can partly see why your DH is hesitant. And almost ALL of my friends who have had babies say it puts incredible strain on their relationship as a couple, which takes a real effort to fix. Add your DH's health issues to the mix and I can see how hard it must be.

I wouldn't ever begin to suggest what you should do (other than love each other and spend time talking) but what I would say is that your son is still very young, and your DH's health issues are still quite new in the big scheme of things. Is it worth waiting a while, for things to settle down, your baby to get older and more manageable and your DH to get used to his illness? Imagine in a year when your little one has teethed, is sleeping through the night, is crawling around and being more interactive with your Dh, and you and him are used to your Dh's new limitations (if he even has any by then, he may have learnt to adapt or be feeling much better), then it would be a good time to start trying again?

By then it might be a completely different story, and you'll both be excited by doing another round. On a cautionary note, remember that frosties aren't as successful as fresh embies, so the chances of it being successful are lower, which could mean an extra element of stress if you are both not feeling that happy about doing a cycle?

Anyway, I really don't want to butt in, just wanted to give you my thoughts. And say that I'm thinking of you, and hoping you guys find your happy place again.

j x

Hey Hopeful, so sorry to read you and DH aren't getting on great at the moment. That must have been so incredibly hard to cancel your appointment. Did anything kick things off on your holiday, or just niggly things? How is DH's health at the moment? I really feel for you hon, DH and I are quite niggly at the moment (last night he said to me 'why don't you just go and f*** yourself' coz he asked me to turn the light out and I said I would in a few minutes I was just finishing a chapter. It really upset me, I hate it when he uses that word to me. I haven't asked him about it today, trying to pretend to myself that he might have been sleep talking...but he doesn't do that, and he wasn't asleep...!!). The more we seem to talk about our issues the more we end up rowing, so most of the time I just think it is best to keep quiet (though that's not my nature, I don't think it is healthy...). In our relationship having our DD changed everything, obviously more so for me, tired, hormones, not wanting sex as much etc etc. But it is just such a lifestyle change isn't it, there is no proper 'couple time' anymore, no thinking about yourself, you always have someone else that comes before you. Obviously I wouldn't change having DD for anything in the world, and we have great times together as a family, but it is definitely an added strain. I am the same as you, I get quite upset when DH is overly harsh on DD, I try and bite my tongue, and of course I want him to help with discipline etc, but he is stricter than I am...

I am waffling now hon, sorry. Do you feel you can sit down and talk to him about it all at the moment, or do you think more time is needed?

Thinking of you hon xxxx

Hi hopeful,
Well… I can speak from experience! I am now pregnant from a FET, and just over a week ago I thought my great marriage was about to dissolve. My DH knew how much I wanted to try again, and he loves me so much that despite all his worries, he let me. But the strain on our marriage has been really, really tough - and the baby isn't even here yet! DH is incredibly worried that our new baby won't love him like our girls do, because he won't get to spend as much time with him. He is terrified about being able to provide for us all. He can't figure out how we are going to survive and he predicts that we will struggle so much that in a year's time, we will no longer love each other (but stay together just because we don't want the other to get the kids).
I can't reassure him, so all I can do is not stress him any further. This means not talking about our pregnancy, and not bringing him along to scans. It upsets me greatly, but not as much as seeing him panic.
Like you, we have been married for a long time and I thought our marriage could survive anything. But at the moment, it is being tested.

I don't know what to advise, apart from if you can wait, and I mean if you can wait without resenting your DH, then I think you should. Your little one is still very little. Knowing what I know now, if money/time/marriage was not an issue, a good time to try again would be when he is 2. This is because you'll probably potty train him around then, and it's best if there are no major changes at this time (if you want it done quickly!). So having treatment and being pregnant would fit in with this nicely, and your DH might be more relaxed because your DS will be easier to look after. Alas, having a new baby at this time would throw his world upside down! Our baby is due just after our girls turn 2, and this is one thing that worries me. But it's hard, isn't it. I didn't assume my first natural FET would work but miraculously it did. I am so very grateful, and I'm waiting for the day when my DH can relax, enjoy his new son, and share the joy with me.

I hope that helps a little,
Blue
xxx

Really hope it all settles very soon hon, this journey is hard enough without those pressures on top isn't it. I completely sympathise with the short temper side of things, my DH is the same.

I know it is easier said than done, god knows I find it impossible at times but talking things through realy is the best way isn't it. Thinking of you and we are always here if you need us xxxx

Hi Hopeful

I can totally relate to where you & DH are at with the bickering/niggleing etc. DH and I had a very strong marriage before we had DS, we still do I am sure its just sometimes it doesn't feel like it! We always vowed that nothing & no-one would come between us because when we are together we are a team but it has really been tested since we became parents.

My DH is a lot older than me & really hadn't expected to settle down until he met me but then wham we met, fell in love and the rest is history. It took quite a while to have DS and by then DH was nearly 50. We have decided not to have any more children because although I wouldn't have ruled it out so quickly, DH definitely feels he is too old (he also worries about the major life events for our DS and how he might miss them or be too old to enjoy them and so thinks it will be even worse if we have another child). I have totally accepted the decision not to have anymore but it was made easier knowing we didn't have any frosties.

However we constantly argue now and bicker over such minor issues & these soon escalate into huge rows. Its the usual things, the who does most, who's most tired, me snapping to DS defence if DH is too strict or short with him & then DH feeling his opinion isn't valued. I think he has found it hard to adjust to being second in line for my time too. When I am calm and think about it I can understand how upsetting it must be for DH to feel pushed out which in effect he has been. I am so tired a lot of the time that it takes too much effort to communicate properly with each other and so we just ignore the problems until they surface again.

I do know that I am not willing to give up on my marriage, my DH is a fantastic man who has a few minor flaws (as do I, in fact mine are larger than his!). We are tired, we don't know what we are doing most of the time but we do know that we love each other & things can only get better. Mostly we have great family times and these are only going to get more frequent as DS gets old.

Its good you have come on here and written down your thoughts and concerns because I am sure it will help you to understand that this is just a blip in the whole journey you & DH have together. Just keep focussing on you both sitting in your rocking chairs with grey hair and wrinkly faces, laughing about the times you thought were tough xx

You're sounding much more positive Hopeful, I'm so glad. And it sounds like your DH loves his little man, so I'm sure over time you guys will sort it out. Sounds like you love each other plenty enough!

Have a great weekend together, and take care of each other (and your little Halloween angel!)

j x

Hiya,

Your second post sounded a lot more positive. I hope you have a lovely weekend with your gorgeous family.

Having kids is tough. As much as we love them and we wouldn't change a thing, the day-to-day reality is that it's really, really, really hard work. I don't have as much patience as I'd like with either DH or my precious little boy - but then working, being a mummy, running a house, seeing friends and family - aggghhh! It fries my brain sometimes, there's always so much to do. And that makes keeping a relationship on level ground really hard. I end up lashing out at DH as if it's his fault I'm exhausted. So, you're really not alone.

Only thing I would say is that Alex is 19 months now and it gets easier every day. DH is able to relate to him more in some ways which makes him more understanding and patient with him. Alex sleeps really well so we're less tired. It's getting better. We still niggle each other, but overall, it's much, much better than a few months ago. Which is what makes me feel like it's time to rock the boat again with another IVF cycle! I wouldn't have even consdiered another cycle when Alex was less than 12 months - we were struggling a lot. I knew we'd be okay in the long term, but sometimes you need to be sensible and think "can we take any more at the moment"? and just delay a little. A couple more months and you'll probably be in a totally different place.

Good luck, Sarah xxx