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Nisey

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Tuesday, July 26th 2011, 10:13am

any help dealing with the emotional issues of donor sperm?

Hi all



Im sorry for starting a new thred but i couldnt find anything which covered this. Me and Df are thinking about using doner sperm for a variety of reasons but are having trouble dealing with emotional side of things. He had a vescotomy and i have no fertility issues.

I Couldnt sleep last night had lots going round my mind. Had a chat with DF and he was honest about how he felt about donor sperm.first of all he was dead against it and then he said he thought about it and though he had no right to stop me having biological chidren as he had his so the ball was in my court. He said he is worried encase he wont feel the same aobut the child as he does about his own children and would find it strange me being pregnant by another man, What would we tell the familiy and child would they treat us any differently to other grand children. DF was brought up by someone who wasnt his biological father and although he was a lovely man he always felt he was different in some way and he wouldnt want another child to feel like that. He has a big heart and i think he would be fine but these are all concerns. He said he would really appreciate the councelling you have to have to talk through these things? my head spinning althought i would like my own bilogical children i would want DF to be part of it i would want him to be as excited and im not sure he would be i know that sounds harsh but its the truth. Also would it split us up if he couldnt love the child? ?( ;(
The life and times of Nisey Noo - MY DIARY

1st IVF August 2010 :BFN: :-(


Starting our ICI journey with donor sperm September11 :thumbsup: Changed mind :O it wasnt for us

Starting our adoption Journey November 11 excited again for the first time in ages !

Maria72

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Tuesday, July 26th 2011, 2:45pm

Hi Nisey,
using a donor is hard. Normally clinics offer counselling. Maybe you and your DF should see your clinic counselor and discuss these feelings. They would probably give you some good advice and you would be able to clean the air before you start tx.

Nisey

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  • "Nisey" started this thread
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3

Friday, July 29th 2011, 8:25am

THanks maria



I think me and DF are going to book a councelling session as it we be good to know if the way we feel is normal . Thanks for your help :|
The life and times of Nisey Noo - MY DIARY

1st IVF August 2010 :BFN: :-(


Starting our ICI journey with donor sperm September11 :thumbsup: Changed mind :O it wasnt for us

Starting our adoption Journey November 11 excited again for the first time in ages !

Maria72

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Friday, July 29th 2011, 8:50am

I think it's perfectly normal hunni. The counselling will help.
:xxx:

Scarlett

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Friday, July 29th 2011, 6:02pm

Hi honey,

It's definitely a complicated and involved issue. I have a donor conceived son and my husband and I went through weeks and weeks of discussions and to-and-froing about whether this was the right thing for us. In the end, none of the things I worried about were relevant during the pregnancy and birth, but there were and are other issues that crop up from time to time that I hadn't prepared myself for. I think everyone responds differently and you and DF will find a way forward if you continue talking honestly about the future. Wishing you lots of love and luck on your journey xxx


nn
1st IVF July 2008 BFN
2nd IVF Nov 2008 BFN
3rd DE IVF July 2009 BFP!
4th DE IVFJan 2012 BFN

5th FET April 2012 BFN



Gracie

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Friday, July 29th 2011, 6:38pm

:hello:

Counselling will definitely help you, my husband and I had a lot before we finally settled on the decision to use donor eggs. All I can say now is that it is the best decision we made, we have a beautiful daughter and I barely spare her genetic origins a second thought on a day to day basis - she is mine and that's all there is to it. However, I believe it is important for her to know her origins so we will be telling her - in fact I already tell her, if it's never a secret then I don't believe it will ever be a problem.

You have to be prepared for comments like 'doesn't she look like you' and the like, plus medical questions can be interesting! However, I just have a wry smile for such occasions and am thankful every day for the lovely woman who put herself through IVF just for me.

:goodluck: with whatever you decide.

Love Gracie

xxx






Me - 40 AMH 1.79, DH - 45
TTC since 04/06
6 x TX to date, inc 2 DIVF in Barcelona

One early loss, 04/09
Freya Grace arrived on 6/11/10 - Perfect at 6lb and 1/2 oz

Amazing natural :BFP: on 12/02/12
Poppy Ann arrived on 13/10/12 - Born at home weighing 6lb 12oz

We got there in the end! happydance

Nisey

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  • "Nisey" started this thread
  • American Samoa

Posts: 1,129

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7

Friday, July 29th 2011, 6:42pm

Hi Gracie


Thankyou for this that's really helpful to know.Hadnt thought of medical questions !

Thanks again :)
The life and times of Nisey Noo - MY DIARY

1st IVF August 2010 :BFN: :-(


Starting our ICI journey with donor sperm September11 :thumbsup: Changed mind :O it wasnt for us

Starting our adoption Journey November 11 excited again for the first time in ages !

Posts: 19

Reg: Mar 19th 2011

Location: Hampshire

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8

Saturday, July 30th 2011, 4:33pm

Hi Nisey,

Me and my DH are also using donor sperm for the reason you are (DH had a vasectomy a long time ago).
We also went through the emotions of "what will people think" but in the end we both decided we've got broad shoulders and we don't care what people think. xfingers that I become pregnant and if I do DH and I both know that the baby will be loved so much by the people that matter.
Your clinic should offer counselling, we had to have 2 sessions to discuss the issues you are worried about before we could continue with treatment.

:goodluck:

Nisey

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  • "Nisey" started this thread
  • American Samoa

Posts: 1,129

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9

Tuesday, August 9th 2011, 11:55am

scarlett, dotty and gracie

Thankyou for your help and support. I know what you mean about to and frowing just when i think i know my mind i start to get doubts again. We are booked in for councelling on the 23rd august which i hope will help talk me through my various cencerns. I was silly and googled ;( and found a terrible story about how a child felt about being a donor child and its
made me second think again! But i suppose you can always find bad stuff if you look hard enougth !! Df has made up his mind and is happy but im still mixed which i never though the case. I deceided to write down my honest concerns and then i will take these to the councellor:

1. will the child feel mine and not ours?
2.Will Df bond with the baby and DF familiy ?
3 Will others behave negatively towards the baby when they know?
4.Will my baby be angry at me in the future ? Will they resent the way they were concieved?

Sorry for being honest but think its the only way i can getthis straight in my mind! Thanks for all your help xxx
The life and times of Nisey Noo - MY DIARY

1st IVF August 2010 :BFN: :-(


Starting our ICI journey with donor sperm September11 :thumbsup: Changed mind :O it wasnt for us

Starting our adoption Journey November 11 excited again for the first time in ages !

Rene

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    South Africa

Posts: 3,873

Reg: Oct 3rd 2005

Location: South! Way South

Children: one gorgeous boy

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Tuesday, August 9th 2011, 8:10pm

Hiya, Nisey
I did my treatment solo so did not have to consider the feelings of a partner in the treatment. I did still, however, have to go for a session of couselling. For me it was not an opportunity to ask questions of the counsellor but for her to ask questions of me and in that way to discover the answer to the questions you pose. The counsellor cannot tell you whether your DF will accept the baby as his or not - that is something that only your DF can answer.
How will others accept your baby? Well, that depends... If they are open-minded they should accept just fine, if they are not you may have some grief from them
As to will the child resent you later? I don't think anyone can predict. The only thing you can do is to explain to your baby from an early age just how he/she came into being. My son who is just 4 years old already knows that he has no father and that I had to go to a doctor for help to "put him into my tummy". I have explained to him that I wanted him so much and could not do it on my own so I had to get help. He understands it well enough that when he decided that he wants a sibling (not likely to happen) he instructed me to go back to the doctor to ask him to help put a new baby into my tummy...

For a couple I think you would have to explain it as: We really wanted a baby and when we found we could not do it we asked for help. Although your daddy did not make you in your Mum's belly, your daddy really wanted you so we asked a doctor to help to put you there... It's a similar approach to the adoption explanation which goes: You have 2 mummies. You grew in the belly of one Mummy but you grew in my heart... (or something to that effect)


PCOS, hypothyroid - on thyroxine, aspirin and Met
Lap/Ovarian Drilling Oct 2005
DIUI X5 + 2 abandoned cycles (total 7 cycles)
:BFP: 22 March 2006 - Connor Born 24 November 2006 - unplanned c-section
At 3 and a half C finally gave up the boob!

blackie

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Wednesday, December 28th 2011, 1:35am

stepping in, I can relate to these feelings so well.

My husband and I are going through the process of IUI, but he is getting cold feet. As yet he hasnt told me he doesnt want to go through with it, but he does say various negative comments that are leading me to believe he doesnt want to go through with it.

I dont like hijacking a post - but this post is eching so much of my feelings right now. The bonding issues, my husband seeing me pregnant (if i were to get pregnant)....the fact I would be excited and he wouldnt be.

The point raised about whether you would see the baby more as yours rather than both of yours is such a good point. I think emotionally the bond is always going to be so much stronger for the mum as she has carried the baby, it would therefore be harder for Dad to have his bond. (although that would come in time Im sure).

I dont know what the answer is, as I am struggling with this emotional torment whirling around in my head, I know I need to talk to my husband more - perhaps counselling is the answer.

Good luck Nisey, from your signature update, I see you are now adopting, I wish you all the luck in the world for this

,
Sally

me 39yrs, with low amh. dd (10yrs) conceived naturally

dh 50yrs (vasectomy)

d iui OCT 2012 bfn hpt, blood test low hcg, m/c 6wk2d

Gracie

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Thursday, December 29th 2011, 8:10pm

Hi Blackie

Just seen your post on this old thread and thought I'd pop in and say :hello:

It's a hard decision to make and not one to be made lightly. I would definitely recommend counselling (and I hate that kind of thing) it really helped me come to terms with using a donor egg. I am surprised your clinic has let you go ahead without having any actually - or haven't your started tx yet?

My LO is 13 months now and I can honestly say I barely give her origins a second thought and when I do I just think how lucky I am that someone out there gave me such a wonderful gift.

There are so many things to consider with donation on either side - are you prepared to tell the child of his origins/how can you answer future medical questions (I have learned that sometimes you can't!!) etc etc. Talk to your DH and make sure he is being honest with you and vice versa and maybe have a look at the Donor Conception Network website for some more info.

It's becoming more common and I think there will be plenty of LOs out there who had a similar start in life and they will all know how much they were wanted and how much they are loved. If they weren't then none of us would have gone to so much trouble to have them in the first place! I don't think I've worded that very well but hopefully you get what I mean!

Hope it works out for you and your DH!

xx






Me - 40 AMH 1.79, DH - 45
TTC since 04/06
6 x TX to date, inc 2 DIVF in Barcelona

One early loss, 04/09
Freya Grace arrived on 6/11/10 - Perfect at 6lb and 1/2 oz

Amazing natural :BFP: on 12/02/12
Poppy Ann arrived on 13/10/12 - Born at home weighing 6lb 12oz

We got there in the end! happydance

Nisey

MEMBER

  • "Nisey" started this thread
  • American Samoa

Posts: 1,129

What's Up?
We have been matched only a couple of weeks away from being a mummy!

Thanks: 35 / 3

  • Send private message

13

Monday, January 2nd 2012, 6:45pm

Hi Blackie and Gracie


Nice to hear from you and im glad you found this post useful i couldnt find much about the emotional issues on the site so thats why i started the post. as you can see we decided it wasnt for us but that doesnt mean its not right for others and im so pleased it all worked out for gracie. we were always 50 50 adoption or donor sperm so i think the descion to adopt feels comfatable with us but i know others have stronger feelings about adoption. What suits one person doesnt suit another.
I think the key is to stay talking with your other half and dont let feelings get burried me and DF talked lots and things i thought he would worry about were the complete opposite to what he acctually worried about !!!!

Good luck with what ever path you take x
The life and times of Nisey Noo - MY DIARY

1st IVF August 2010 :BFN: :-(


Starting our ICI journey with donor sperm September11 :thumbsup: Changed mind :O it wasnt for us

Starting our adoption Journey November 11 excited again for the first time in ages !

Posts: 62

Reg: Jun 11th 2010

Location: East Sussex

Children: None as yet, though we have 3 cats & 2 dogs

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14

Thursday, March 1st 2012, 1:27pm

Hi All,

May I also ask a question for all the couples that have used donor sperm?

We have been thinking about it for a while and we have seen a counsellor a little while ago after our failed ICSI.

My husband will be 63 this year (he has 2 adult sons from a previous relationship) and I will be 37. We have being trying since 2005 and he knows how much I want to have a family. He is very positive about donor sperm, whilst I have many doubts. I have no doubts that he will love and care for the baby as much as if he was his (probably more as we want this so much!) and I also know my parent will not approve at all.

My biggest fear is that when he will be gone, very likely before me due to the age difference, the child will be mine only and there will be nothing of him in
him or her. Is anybody else in a similar position due to the age difference? Did you have the same issues? How have you dealt with them?

Thanks
Sussex Couple
[zx099] 63 - [zx151] low count/mobility + DNA issues
[zx098] 37
TTC since May 2005
3 IUI in 2006/2007 all :BFN:
2010 ICSI :BFN:

Rene

Lone wolf

    South Africa

Posts: 3,873

Reg: Oct 3rd 2005

Location: South! Way South

Children: one gorgeous boy

What's Up?
I have PMA
I'm Positive that
I am Mental
and I know I have Attitude

Thanks: 66 / 77

  • Send private message

15

Thursday, March 1st 2012, 6:15pm

My friend who had donor sperm had no choice as her DH had no sperm. He too is over 60 and she, at the time, was not yet 30. Their boys may not be his genetic children but they are still VERY much HIS, developing his manerisms and copying some of his facial expressions. You would in no way be able to say, by looking at them as a family unit, that he was not the genetic father. They are amazing together and very in love with each other and their sons.
Chances are high in their case too that he will not outlive her but they had their children together so she will in no way lose him when he goes as he will live on in them by the example he set them and the love he has bestowed on them all...


PCOS, hypothyroid - on thyroxine, aspirin and Met
Lap/Ovarian Drilling Oct 2005
DIUI X5 + 2 abandoned cycles (total 7 cycles)
:BFP: 22 March 2006 - Connor Born 24 November 2006 - unplanned c-section
At 3 and a half C finally gave up the boob!

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