You are not logged in.


Unread posts

Dear visitor, welcome to FertilityZone . If this is your first visit here, please read the Help. It explains in detail how this page works. To use all features of this page, you should consider registering. Please use the registration form, to register here or read more information about the registration process. If you are already registered, please login here.

  • "Tabby" started this thread

Posts: 150

Reg: May 19th 2010

  • Send private message

1

Sunday, May 15th 2011, 11:15pm

Are ONLY children lonely children?..

Hi,
I'm feeling really down at the minute & I can't stop crying. I feel so sorry for my lovely DD (5 years old) that she has no siblings to play with & in the future no siblings to turn to. Even planning holidays is so difficult, where can we go to & who would come with us (not always easy getting company with us)?

Please tell me this guilt gets easier. I thought I'd been getting better these last few months but now am as low as ever.
Tabby

Secondary Unexplained Infertility
DD- Aged 5

3 x Failed IUI's
1 x IUI cancelled due to cyst on ovary
1 x Failed IVF
1 x Failed FET

......
Hoping it happens naturally now!

    United Kingdom

Posts: 524

Reg: Jun 13th 2010

Location: North East

Thanks: 1 / 0

  • Send private message

2

Monday, May 16th 2011, 7:36am

Tabby I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, I've felt like it in the past and will no doubt feel like it in the future! My DS is 4 I'm also unexplained, so am trying naturally until next year.

I heard a program on radio 4 a while ago about only children, there is a lot of talk about only children being spoilt and lonely etc.....but it is just talk!. Modern academic research (the spolit child paper dates from the 1800's I think!) shows the only difference between only children and those with siblings is that only children tend to achieve slightly higher at school and in their careers! I'm sure your DD has lots of friends at school and outside and is not suffering in any way, and when you go on holiday she'll just make little friends. I have a sister and we certainly weren't 'friends' as children, we were very very different and still are.

Late for school, will write more later....

Beautiful boy born in January 2007
TTC second since March 2009
Luteal phase defect - 4 rounds clomid
BFP 14.2.2012 - 2 beautiful heartbeats seen EDD 22nd Oct - Its a boy and a girl!

Posts: 222

Reg: Apr 11th 2011

Location: Reading

Children: 11 year old daughter (IVF)

  • Send private message

3

Monday, May 16th 2011, 10:57am

My 10 year old daughter has grown up an only child and I've had the same feelings and concerns. But they make so many friends at school there are always kids to have over to play and join in on days out. Last year on holiday she spent 8 hours a day in the pool with a friend she made! I've also had comments from other mums about how close our relationship is, probably due to lots of one on one time. You deserve to enjoy your precious child and you shoudn't feel guilty for something that is beyond your control.
PCOS + poor mobility = ISCI April 11

Age 40 so odds against me! :8o:

xxxxx

:BFP: 24th April!!

Baby Lily arrived 16th Dec 2011


Bells

ADMINISTRATOR

    United Kingdom

Posts: 14,475

Thanks: 40 / 66

  • Send private message

4

Monday, May 16th 2011, 2:00pm

I hope you don't mind me commenting.

My girls are 11 and 7 years old and seperately they are delightful children. When they're with their own friends they're lovely. When they're with each other they're very different :rolleyes:

My eldest hasn't much patience for her little sister. My little one gets really cross that she can't do the things her big sister can do and I'm sure that they must lie in their beds at night plotting ways of getting the other into trouble. I spend a great deal of time mediating and encouraging household harmony which works for about a minute... before they revert back to winding each other up.

When my eldest was an only child life was so calm and I think that she would rather have my devoted attention of the time. When my youngest is alone with me she is a differentl child and I feel that she would've benefitted from never having to share me with her sister.

So, if I could wave a wand and have a look at how our lives could've been.... I'd say that both of my children would've probably dealt very well with being only children :innocent:

mrsjasper

Megastar

Posts: 8,532

Reg: Nov 2nd 2005

Location: Lancashire

Children: 2 gorgeous girls

Thanks: 15 / 4

  • Send private message

5

Monday, May 16th 2011, 2:12pm

Hi Tabby,
I was an only child until my mum remarried when I was 8 and I got a step brother and sister. So I was old enough to remember the time before and be aware of the difference. I certainly wasn't lonely, I was close to my cousins, nieghbours children and had lots of friends from various places, school, brownies etc... and when my sister and I were teenagers I would definitely have preferred to be an only child, she was a nightmare! Thinking of my own children, I generally spend a lot of time feeling guilty that they don 't get enough one to one attention from me, whereas before DD2 was concieved I spent a lot of time feeling as you do! Being a parent is so hard and there are so many things to worry about, some of which you can control and some, like this, that you can't. I promise that if you have another, you will find a way to feel guilty about that, its cos you are a mum!

    Switzerland

Posts: 2,279

Reg: Oct 21st 2009

Location: London

Thanks: 2 / 6

  • Send private message

6

Monday, May 16th 2011, 2:14pm

As an only child I can tell you categorically NO!
In some ways it makes you more outgoing and I have lots of friends that I am close to as I would be to siblings! My mum only had me as she hated having sisters!
As motherhood comes to most of us older these days it will become more and more common and I would not hesitate to just have one x

    Switzerland

Posts: 2,279

Reg: Oct 21st 2009

Location: London

Thanks: 2 / 6

  • Send private message

7

Monday, May 16th 2011, 2:15pm

Oddly I only wrote no in capitals and got the angry face! did not mean to sound so agressive with it!

Posts: 21

Reg: Jan 7th 2011

Location: Newcastle Upon tyne

Children: 1 daughter aged 10 from previous relationship

  • Send private message

8

Monday, May 16th 2011, 2:22pm

I have a daughter who will be 11 this year, like you I felt guilty for not being able to give her any siblings especially since I am very close to my own sister, My daughter is loving, sensitive and very friendly and has never shown signs of being lonely and all her friends are jealous as they all fight with their brothers/sisters!

I know your feeling down at the moment but dont feel bad for your daughter [zx127] Sending you hugs x x x

19verve

MEMBER

    United Kingdom

Posts: 1,022

Thanks: 4 / 18

  • Send private message

9

Monday, May 16th 2011, 2:31pm

I have the same concerns. My DD is a very socaible little lady and loves children and adults alike. I would so love to give her a brother or sister as she would be a brilliant sibling .But life isnt like that for some of us, is it??!!

I do worry that DD is lonely but at the moment she knows no difference and she has me and her Dad to go on the slide with or to sit in her play house with!

Saying that a few weeks ago , DD, DH and I went on a picnic in a lovely park. We was all sitting on a blanket eating some lunch when DD wondered off and sat with a family consisting of mum, dad, and 2 children. SHe was so happy and chatting away to complete strangers and i just cried my eyes out and I am crying now thinkng about it!

Posts: 359

Reg: Dec 11th 2009

Location: Scotland

Children: One gorgeous little dude Harrison born 15/08/11

  • Send private message

10

Monday, May 16th 2011, 2:46pm

Hiya Tabby,

Just like Elsie Im also an only child and can tell you I am neither lonely nor spoilt! I had a lovely childhood and have never ever felt the need to have a brother or sister and never asked my parents when I was younger. What you dont have you dont miss.

My parents were loving and caring and never made an issue of me being an only child. I had numerous friends and certainly made friends easier when I was little when we went on holiday than my mums best friends children who often came with us etc etc.

There is no rule book to say that you MUST have more than 1 child!

Please please dont stress - your little one will be just as lovely and caring and bright and happy as any chid with brothers and sisters!

I am currently pregnant with my 1st baby and after a very traumatic OHSS experience after IVF I will definitely not be looking to extend my brood - 1 baby is like the perfect dream for me!

Hope you feel better son x


ME 35, DH 34
Nat BFP 2003 m/c at 9weeks.
TTC - 5years
3 x IUI - BFN
1 x IVF October 2010


Mummy to a gorgeous wee boy Harrison born 15/08/11

Grace

Princess of the Universe

    United Kingdom

Posts: 3,405

Reg: Jul 29th 2008

Location: Berkshire

Children: 1 beautiful little son conceived through ICSI and one equally beautiful little boy concieved naturally!

What's Up?
Oh god I've got Puppies!

Thanks: 29 / 2

  • Send private message

11

Monday, May 16th 2011, 3:10pm

My Dh is an only child as are 2 of my closest friends. They have not suffered in any way by being only children and are in fact some of the nicest, well balanced people I've ever met.

My dh got all his companionship through friends of his own age even though he lived miles away from anyone in the depths of the country and he has nothing but fun memories of his childhood and used to go on holiday with one or other of his chums for company. On the other end of the scale I am one of 3 children and we can't stand each other for longer than about an hour, we all live at the other end of the country to each other and meet about once a year and try not to bicker so having siblings isn't always the harmony it seems, Sure you do get some familes who end really close but some, like my family, really don't get on and we might as well be only children for all the contact we have with each other. You have nothing to feel quilty about honey so please don't beat yourself up.


ICSI BFP DS1 born Nov 09
Natural BFP DS2 born Sept 11

Posts: 198

Reg: Mar 4th 2010

Location: glasgow

Children: Lewis - 4 years

  • Send private message

12

Monday, May 16th 2011, 7:21pm

Hi Tabby,

Your post struck a chord with me...I have a 4 years old DS and like you I would love to make him a big brother. I get so upset when I see families with 2 plus children and feel so guilty that I cant give Lewis the sibling. I'm not even sure now whether or not I actually want a baby for me or if I'm so focused on giving Lewis a sibling.
One of my best friends is an only child and I often grill her on whether or not she feels left out- she is adament no though.
But lets remember we are so, so lucky that someone calls us mummy and all we can do is give them all the love and opportunities that we can. As others have said there is no guarantee that your DD and my DS would actually get on with another child!!! Its a hard one hun, but hopefully our guilt and concern will fade and we can fully appreciate what we do have.....and thats alot!!!!!
Mx
Me 34 DH 40.
DS born without any problems- 2006

*1st miscarriage- blighted ovum June 2008
*2nd miscarriage September 2008
*1st ectopic- left tube rucptured Xmas Eve 2008
*2nd ectopic- right tube treated with methotrexate September 2009
*1st IVF- March 2010- chemical pregnancy
*2nd IVF July 2010- BFN
*FET December 2010- BFP. Twins from one egg! Lost twin one at 9 weeks and twin 2 at 10weeks
*Diagnosed with elevated anti thyriod antibodies May 2011
*Surprise natural BFP August 2011- 3rd ectopic. Right tube removed.

Pootle

Megastar

Posts: 7,078

Reg: Mar 31st 2007

Location: By the coast

Children: 2 beautiful girls.

  • Send private message

13

Monday, May 16th 2011, 8:13pm

Evening. I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment.

I totally understand where you're coming from. We conceived our DD1 quickly, with no problems and then couldn't do it again and were diagnosed with secondary infertility. I was DESPERATE to give my DD1 a sibling and it became an all encompassing thought for me. And like Morvc, the journey to have another child was more for her than it was for us. I had this big worry that she was enough for us but were we enough for her. And I felt like the family I'd always imagined had been taken away from me, because I'd always imagined having 2 children.

In my rational moments I knew that she'd be ok if we didn't have any more. I knew that only children don't have to be spoiled or lonely and that they are actually often high achievers and gregarious people with lots of friends. I knew that there was no guarantee that siblings would be friends - my DH doesn't have any relationship with his sister and I knew that I was so lucky to have her. And I'm sure you know these things too, deep inside.

That's all pretty easy to remember when you're feeling rational and so much harder when you're upset or worried or going through treatment etc and I wish I could give you a hug and keep telling you it will be ok, either way - sibling or no sibling. Its a lot to get your head around - I sometimes felt like my head was going to burst with it all and I was so emotional whenever I saw her playing with other kids or with friends' babies etc.

Take your time and talk to us all here - we're here to listen. Maybe think about some counselling?

Sending you lots of love.

x






My family is complete...I am grateful every day

DD1, natural miracle, 2005
DD2, IVF miracle, 2008


macD

Ace

Posts: 239

Reg: Sep 27th 2010

Location: North West England

Children: Wonderful 7 year old boy

  • Send private message

14

Tuesday, May 17th 2011, 9:51am

Hi Tabby,

Thank you so much for posting this, it's been great for me to read the other replys too! I have 1 DS who is 4.5. DH and I have been TTC again for 3.5 with no success.

Pootle made some very sensible comments. I too feel that sometimes we're TTC mainly for DS, I know he might not get on with this sibling (should there ever be one) but I feel that he should at least be given the chance to find out! Sometimes I'm ok with it and I know DS gets on very well with other children and is a very happy little boy. But other times I just worry about the future for him.

Good luck with everything. Take care, love, macD xx

  • "Tabby" started this thread

Posts: 150

Reg: May 19th 2010

  • Send private message

15

Wednesday, May 18th 2011, 9:22pm

Thank you all for your comments. I am feeling much better than I was at the weekend although re-reading your posts has made me shed a tear.

In general I was having a bad week last week and then my AF arrived on Saturday. Then on Saturday evening there was a sniff of news that one of my husbands sisters was pregnant and I think that news broke me completely (nothing has been confirmed yet by the way but we are all going to a wedding on Saturday so I'll know then!). The sister I think it is has 1 DD (aged 3) too & I know I should be happy for her but I think our children bond being only children and now they'll lose that bond.

But anyway... I have to become more positive. I really think we should look into fostering or adoption but I'm afraid to take that 1st step. I'm afraid I'll love my own daughter more than another child. So much to think of.

Thanks again.. Tabby xxx
Tabby

Secondary Unexplained Infertility
DD- Aged 5

3 x Failed IUI's
1 x IUI cancelled due to cyst on ovary
1 x Failed IVF
1 x Failed FET

......
Hoping it happens naturally now!

    Ireland

Posts: 61

Reg: Oct 28th 2009

Location: donegal

Children: DS 9

  • Send private message

16

Monday, June 6th 2011, 11:01am

Hi Tabby,
glad you are feeling better now, but I'm also glad you posted this. My DS is 8, it's a bit of a long story for me, told I'd never have children due to having PCOS but met my now huband and it was a shock to learn I'd become pregnant. Was over the moon and thougth we'd wait till ds was 2-3 before we tried to have any more, We're now five years down the road still trying and it's so hard. I'm on Clomid 150mgs now and this is my 4th cycle all bfn. it jsut get harder and harder every month. when I watch ds out the back playing my heart just breaks for him cause I feel that I've let him down because I can't provide him with a sibling. I went to the GP last week for my supply of clomid and I just broke down with her, told her how I was feeling and that I feel such a failure at the minute. She suggested I go and see a Psychologist for a bit of support but I told her I couldn't do that - just feel such a failure. everyone keeps saying to me I shoudl be grateful that I have a ds but I feel so incomplete :bawl: I'm overweight too which doesn't help the matter ;( anyway I jsut wanted to let you know you're not alone feeling like this. I just wish we didn't have to feel like this. Please God our time will come xfingers [zx127]

diagnosed with PCOS

Me 39 DH 48
Have ds aged 9
trying for #2 for 6years now ;(
2005/2006 Clomid 50mgs #6 cycles (all BFN)
2006/07 Clomid 100mgs #9 cycles (all BFN)

referrred to RFC 2009
2011 - five cycles of Clomid 100 & 150mgs (all BFN)
one more cycle of Clomid 150mgs after that not sure feel age is getting against us ;( (ALL BNF)
On waiting list now for Ovulation Induction. Not going to be seen until December 2012

Posts: 271

Reg: Nov 5th 2010

  • Send private message

17

Saturday, June 11th 2011, 7:55pm

Hi Tabby and the others and thanks for your honest posts. They describe a feeling I cant get out of my head. I worry so much that DD will not get a bro or sis, given that she only has two cousins who are much older than her. I am just home from a birthday party where every family consisted of at least 3 children, all under 4 etc etc etc. My best friend then asked me how I was feeling and said most peopple will just think I dont want any more, gee that really helped. Good luck to you all in your journey.
Me; 33
DH; 32
Secondary Infertility
DD; 3
1st ICSI April 2011; Miscarriage, D&C 9 weeks
Natural BFP 2/9/11; Due date 14/05/11




FERTILITYZONE



MEDHURST – PROUD HOSTS OF FERTILITYZONE