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  • "Weasley's" started this thread

Posts: 62

Reg: Jun 2nd 2008

Location: Essex

Children: NA

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Tuesday, February 8th 2011, 11:36pm

A new year, a new journey, a new approach, an old hope......... a family?

Well it's been a long time since I posted on FZ, and a first time in the adoption section.

DH & I had a talk last week and have decided that with the dawning of 2011 we'll put 2010 and the previous 6 yrs of heart ache and losses behind and start afresh. So we've decided to start looking into adoption. It hasn't been an easy decision. The IVF process was tough and we're very worried about how tough the adoption process is going to be. It would be so lovely if someone would just give us a 'break' - but I suppose that's the same of all of us here :sniff:

I've asked for information from Barnardo's and have rung the LA. The LA took all our details and have sent out an info pack and given us a beg March date for the first info session we can attend (they run 1 a month). I've heard nothing from Barnardo's yet.

The infomation pack looks ok, but everytime they mention how difficult the children might be my heart and stomache flips. My husband has a very personal experience of adoption. He has an adopted sister whose behaviour to the present day is very worrying and often painful. I feel so responsible for putting him through this all again. First the miscarriages & IVF and now the adoption. He's entering into this willingly and with an open mind, but I can't help worrying - what if we end up with 'his little sis'?

......and then I feel awful and small minded :tear: .

I really, really believe we have such a lot of love to give, and the little ones will be safe and have a place to call home for as long as we're around. Then I worry that they won't let us love them bigcloud

Anyway, as you can tell. My mind is racing and I'm really worried - crystal ball anyone?.

I just wanted to see if anyone else was looking into adoption. It feels like a lonely, scary option right now. It'd be quite nice the hear that I'm not a weirdo. All the pregnant girls get their anti-natal buddies. Not really the same for adoption.


1 Early Miscarriage (8wks),
1 Ectopic in only tube,
2 failed cycles of IVF,
2 failed FET,
1 blighted ovum (very cruel)

Adoption Information Meeting Beginning of March



    United Kingdom

Posts: 1,478

Reg: Feb 10th 2009

Location: UK

Children: Approved to adopt January 2012

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Wednesday, February 9th 2011, 9:14am

Hi Weasleys,

We're in exactly the same position as you, and are both very nervous about stepping onto this new rollercoaster. We have the application forms from a local agency, and are also going to contact the LA to see what they have to say. I''m not too well at the moment, so we're just holding off for a little while untilI'm on an even keel, then will be starting in earnest.

It's really scary, and I know just what you mean about feeling alone. I've loads of good friends on here, but none are in the position we are now, and I feel like I shouldn't be talking to them about having stopped ttc as I don't want to put that thought/worry into their minds, when I'm praying with all my heart that the ivf works for them.

When are you thinking of applying? It would be really good if we could be there to support/be a sounding block for each other along the way. I think we have a long and difficut journey ahead of us here, but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.

Good luck and please keep in touch xxx

PS - I can also appreciate how your heart flips every time you read about how difficult the children can be - this is one of our biggest concerns, and I worry that ultimately this may put DH off as he would find it too difficult xx

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Demi" (Feb 9th 2011, 9:16am)



    United Kingdom

Posts: 1,022

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Wednesday, February 9th 2011, 10:07am

Hello Weasely
I think once you have been to the information meeting you will gain such a good insight into the basics of adoption. I looked into adoption when I was told IVF was not possible for me. I went with an organisation called St Frances which is a catholic adoption agency and they was very kind but also very honest.
Unfortunately the adoption process is very intrusive, so its great that you are both keen to look into it.

I wish you every success and look forward to reading your diary!



  • "Welshbird" is no longer a member of FZ

Posts: 8,249

Reg: Mar 8th 2008

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Wednesday, February 9th 2011, 10:44am

Hello there :wave:

Nice to see a new face (so to speak)

We have been going thru the adoption route now for 15mths (yes 15mths) and are still waiting for the home visits to start ... a lot of things have gone wrong so far with ours (i mean paper work, timescales etc) doesnt mean it will happen with yours of course :happy:

Its a hard decision to come to ... adoption.. so i can sympathise with you there, but once u get the ball rolling ur whole aspect of adoption will change ... the children who wait arnet 'perfect' im sure if they were, they woudlnt be up for adoption in the first place. Most of the children have been thru trauma ... trauma of abusive parents, of neglect, maybe death etc ... its not an easy ride for these children and the more u 'get into' the process, the more your mind will change about how u feel at the moment.

Im not gona promise u its gonna be easy ... if u check out my diary for passed few weeks, u will see that its not ... but - i hope and pray that it is one that will be worth it, i used to want to adopt for my own selfish reasons, i wanted to be a mummy (who doesnt) but u soon learn that these children deffinatly need us, more than we need them ... and in time u will realise that its not what the child can do for us, but what we can do for the child ... xfingers

Good luck and keep us posted :thumbsup:


This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Welshbird" (Feb 9th 2011, 10:46am)

  • "Weasley's" started this thread

Posts: 62

Reg: Jun 2nd 2008

Location: Essex

Children: NA

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Sunday, February 20th 2011, 6:45pm

Hi guys,
Thank you for your support. Sorry for the long gap - I feel a bit rude not responding quickly, but I've been mental at work recently (a whole other stress story) and haven't been able to log in properly.
Demi - I hope that you're feeling better. I'd love to have an adoption buddy. I'm hoping to go to the LA info session on the 8th March. There is a Barnardos one around the same time too. Not sure whether to go to both or not. I was a bit put off by their information pack. I really want to get started as soon as we can.
Verve19 - Thnx. :) It's always easier to do something than think about all the permiatations of what could/couldn't happen. So I am looking forward to what the information meeting brings.
Welshbird - 15 months? Crikey! xfingers we don't run into too many problems. I know that the childen need us more than we need them. I had a friend who offered to be a surragate for us and it made me realise that if she could offer something so selfless for us, that we were in the position to do that for some children out their who are in greater need than us. I feel it's such a waste of the home DH and I have created not to share it with children and give them the chance to fulfill their potential and have the security of knowing they'll always have a place to come home to. I just worry that they'll reject that and about the consequences that could mean for DH and I. I don't want to loose everything.

Thanks again guys.
1 Early Miscarriage (8wks),
1 Ectopic in only tube,
2 failed cycles of IVF,
2 failed FET,
1 blighted ovum (very cruel)

Adoption Information Meeting Beginning of March

Posts: 217

Reg: Jun 4th 2008

Location: fishbowl

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Sunday, April 24th 2011, 1:23pm


Hi Weasley

You know its right your mind should be racing as its a massive step. I have been on the adoption treadmill for 2 years now and nearly placed with children (see my diary for the latest saga of matching). However there are lots of good books out there, little steps for Big People by Celia foster, A childs journey through placement by Vera Fahlberg, trauma attachment and reslience by Kate Cairns. All good books and will help you realised what its about. A lot of t hese children have had such bad parenting and are so traumatised that their behaviour is reflected in this BUT so would anyone if you had been subjected to what they have. Once their trust is broken it can time no time OR lots of time if ever for their trust to be rebuilt.

I know you are worred re DH sister but there could be millions of reasons other than the fact she is adopted why she is like she is. You also dont know here genetic makeup or her background history and what you may know or your DH knows may not be true anyway. As you only know what the LA know and that is very dependent on what kind of SW they had and if the parent/s were willing to co-operate. It also depends a lot on the ages of kids adopted if they parents drunk alcohol and took drugs. They have long reaching effects on children way past beng born as the brain has been developed slightly differently. YOu could look up re Foetal Alcohol syndrome and this will help and give you some informed choice about what you may be taking on as well as lot of these kids have been subjected through no choice of their own to substance misuse. It is true that some adopted children can be very challenging and can go on to be difficult adults, but the adoption process is designed (hopefully) for you to work out yours and DH strengths and limitations and to know what you can and cannot cope with and I think me and DH have bee amazed by what we now think to what we thought when we first started!!!

When you join up to your agency, get some facts, figures, talk to other adopters about their experiences. Do keep an open mind. I remember the first night after our info meeting. My god me and DH nearly had kittens and thought about pulling out. But we decided to perserver as we think and know we will be great parents and you know we can offer those kids a good loving home with stability and routines and boundaries.

me and DH have had a great agency (although we are not placed yet) but we have realised its not necessarily fluffy and cosy, but everyone we have met that adopted all stated how gdifficult and hard it was BUT that they all did not regret it and it made them happy to see such small changes and make a difference. So I guess thats what you haveto think. Marlene and Veggie Mite both have adopted children positvely and I have my diary as well so you can see. Its a long hard path and you have to reveal yourself in depth to yoru SW but you know at times its bad but hey they are not looking for perfect peopel with perfect lives. They are looking for good quality stable people with a real life!! Yoiur DH experience should really help you both.

Good luck and hope to see you posting on here soon then with your home study news!!!
Me 43

TTC 6 years
12x clomid BFN
2 IUI's overstimulated
1 natural preg m/c Dec 07
Adoption journey started April04/09

Now a mummy