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pamelag088

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Monday, January 11th 2010, 2:03am

DH getting me down

Hey all TJ 7 weeks now and DH really getting me down, dont expect anyone to wave a magic wand just need a rant really.

Firstly he hasnt been alone with TJ yet, if I ask him to watch him while I go in shower he rolls his eyes as if to say FFS. If we go places and Im getting TJ ready, dressed, changed, fed he has cheek to ask me why Im not ready yet, well maybe if you had dressed him instead of watching TV I would have found some time to shove on a clean pair of knickers and trousers.

One day he got up for work as normal, but never went, went to his mums for a "me" day, Im the one doing all the night feedings and here is me thinking poor guy having a hard day at work and all the while he is getting all that time to himself without a second though on how Im getting on alone with a screaming 2 week old baby.

Tonight I asked him to watch him for an hour while I cooked supper, All I heard was his swearing and shouting and stressing out telling him FFS just close your eyes and sleep the when it was ready he handed me TJ and ate his while mine got cold and never offered after he was done so I could eat mine.

I also dont trust him with TJ as he nearly dropped him and dont know how he would cope if I were o leave him on his own with him.

Tonight it was explained to me he was going to walk dogs I havent seen him awake since X(

Iv explained so many times how I feel and how would he like it if I were to be so selfish all he ever does is bug crap out of me for sex when I honesly couldnt make it more obvious I dont want to, I gave in once and it hurt so much I was nearly crying, he told me dont worry I wont be much longer :bawl: I very nearly hate him

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Monday, January 11th 2010, 9:13am

So sorry you are not getting the support from Dh that you need. I may have got it completely wrong but could he be jealous as he is no longer no 1 in your life. That would explain why he went to his mums as she has more time to pamper him. Men really need to feel loved and wanted and I can understand how you are feeling and don't have the energy to fill his needs as well. He may be so stressed that he is loosing you.
Good luck and don't feel alone because I have heard this is very common when a new baby arrives. My DF has always said to me if we are ever lucky to have a baby he wants me to not forget about him as that what his ex wife done. Once she had kids he was no longer needed. Maybe your DH feels the same or was he always a selfish person ?
I really hope you can work it out :hugs:


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pamelag088

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Monday, January 11th 2010, 11:13am

Thanks for taking time to reply Kirstin

I think he has always been selfish, just never bothered me that much til now.
He does help as long as it doesnt involve atually looking after him, He will carry him in car seat and fetch me things, go to shops etc but its his son too and its upsetting me he doesnt want to look after him, He is just so inconsiderate towards me.
Iv said to him what happens if something happens to me and I have to go to hospial and he said I would jus have to take TJ with me.

I feel like a single parent which would be fine as I have no problem doing everything for my beautiful boy, Just fact I though we were in this together and becoming very clear to me thats not the case

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Monday, January 11th 2010, 11:57am

Oh Pam :-(

Boys are stupid and smelly

I don't have any wise words hun, but am here to read if you want to sound off

xx


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Monday, January 11th 2010, 12:21pm

Pammy, this might be the last thing you feel like doing now (and for good reason!). But is there any chance that your DH's mum can take TJ for an afternoon so that you and your DH can spend some time together?
I'm not excusing the way he has been behaving towards you, not at all, but perhaps it might do you both good to have some time alone for a little while.
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Monday, January 11th 2010, 12:24pm

Hi Pam,

While this is a common problem with couples and a newborn, it doesn't make things any easier to deal with.

Feel free to rant at us all you want. Hopefully he just needs time to adjust and maybe he is annoyed of not being number 1 in your eyes anymore and is a bit scared of messing up with TJ.

Either way I want to give him a slap and a shake on your behalf and tell him to grow up and snap out of it.

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Monday, January 11th 2010, 12:29pm

Sending you hugs, it's no fun being over tired and over worked with a new baby especially when you feel your not being supported. x :cuddle


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pamelag088

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Monday, January 11th 2010, 1:11pm

Thanks everyone.

ha ha Mavis you know its last thing I want to do but think you may be right.
i think I have accepted a long time ago my life would neve be the same again, I dont think DH realises this yet, He still carries on as it was before, Like his programme that he watches every week, If TJ cries through it he gets annoyed, Iv learned, sod the programme its not important.
I always try to be so considerate to him thats what pisses me off, If I do ever ask him to watch him I make sure he is fed, changed and most of the time either happy and smiling or asleep so he doesnt even have to do anything.
Oh dear me, I already asked him to leave last week but he refused and just ignored the whole thing hoping Id calm down and forget about it, But what he doesnt get is just cuz Im not talking about it dont mean it doesnt still bother me.

Thanks again all

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Monday, January 11th 2010, 2:32pm

hi

we've never spoke before, so im probably sticking my nose in where its not wanted but.......... 1stly, i know exactly how you feel.when my LO came along (3rd for me, 1st for him.) my OH wouldnt have very much to do with the new baby. he was 6 lb 3 and very fragile looking (tough as old boots really), my OH was very frightened of him.. didnt want to hold him wrong or hurt him was afraid in case he dropped him and getting him to change a nappy or watch him him for half an hour while i had a quick dip was nigh impossible. just wondered if TJ is your OH's 1st as well as yours. maybe there may be a little fear associated with his distancing from TJ. not excusing his actions cos it makes our jobs so much harder when we've had all the work of pg and labour in the 1st place. my OH still expected our sex life to have not changed - boy was he in for a shock!!!!!! for the 1st 6 months all he heard was a no and then not so politely usually ending in off. the 1st time we got down to it he'd nearly gorgot what he was supposed to do, he didnt even understand the word yes at 1st for god's sake lol.

please just try talking to him and if he isnt interested in opening up at this time, leave him to stew. men will eventually open when they have little or no choices left. try and keep the lines of communication open even though i know how tough that can be. if i'd have had the energy i would have beat mine mercilessly until he rolled over and helped me. only joking but didnt feel that way at the time.

OH greatly improved when baby could sit up and was getting bigger and more interesting. he wasnt as scared of LO then. and now you cant separate them so it does get better, honestly it does. hang on in there

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Monday, January 11th 2010, 4:59pm

Oh Pammy, what a hard time you are having. It's hard enough learning how to be a mummy for the first time but when you dont have support it makes it so much harder.

I dont have any real relationship advice but i just wanted to say that the mummy thing gets SO much easier (can't promise the same about your dh) and it soon all becomes routine like you've been doing it forever. We are all here for you whenever you want to talk xx




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Monday, January 11th 2010, 5:29pm

oh pammy:hugs:



this is perhaps not the response you are looking for and i apologise in avance but i make no excuses for your dh's behaviour and dont think you should need to put up with it. We all find new borns frustrating, difficult, tiring etc etc. and we all deal with it differently but this is just not fair.. Ok, dh works and does need a bit of 'me' time but this to me is not acceptible (sorry to be blunt im sure dh is awonderful man in all other ways). I think its easier for us mums to cope with the crying etc partly cause we are generally more maternal but perhaps mostly because we are usually the primary carer and have more experiance with our lo's and know their personality better so can sooth them easier. Also, I know lots of people, mums included, find it difficult to bond or relate to such young babies before they can properly interact. These may be the reasons dh is being unreasonable. Im sure once tj says daddy dh will melt but for the mean time, despite how diffiult it might be for him he needs to pull his weight if for nothing else for you. Asking dh to take some responibility for tj is absoolutely nothing but normal! And the sex thing, i'd just kick him in the canoodles! i guess this one is tricky as is always the case if one partner wants it more than the other.



Im really not sure how you address this and as the others say it is a very common problem. In my book that doesnt make it right. Would dh be open to discussing how you feel? could he be made to see the error of his ways....? I guess you might start by explaining how wonderful he is when he helps with the car seat, goes to the shops and stuff but that you would really appreciate if he would allow you the odd break by looking after tj now and then cause you get tired and frustrated too. Im quite sure dh does want to look after him and im certain he loves him very much but perhaps just finds it a bit difficult - hes a man and no-one handed him a manual so how can the poor petal possibly be expected to know what to do? :winking:



I know it can be really hard to make poopie men see sense sometimes. My dh is brilliant with my lo and looks after her alone lots but im amazed that he hands her to if she cries it annoys me and i say so but there seems to be no reasoning with him on this - apparently im better at makng her stop. If i cant reason with my normally very reasonable dh over this I really am not sure how you deal with this. I really feel for you.



I hope the message doesnt offend but i just felt that you shouldn't think this something you should put up with just because it is a common problem.



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Monday, January 11th 2010, 5:52pm

aww pammy :hugs: hope fullyy your DH will settle down once TJ grows a little. he does seem to be acting a taf selfish though (is he an only child?)
and as for the sex thing :angry: that really annoyed me. youre bound to be sore n stuff and thought that was really selfish for him to say he was nearly done. if hes that desperate tell him to have a w*nk.
im sorry you felt you had to ask him to leave (i told my DH the same last week-but i was ok once id calmed down). but you or should i say he, need to talk sooner rather than later. its a partnership you are in so he should respect your feelings aswell as his own
i do hope you work things out :xxx3:

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Wednesday, January 13th 2010, 8:19am

Hi Pammy,

I would probably go along with most of what has been said above. It does sound as if he is resentful about the time and energy that a new baby requires, and he is not prepared to takes this on board. There is very often an element of jealousy in how men cope with this major change in their lives, a feeling that they have been pushed out of being the prime focus of your attentions. You may have become aware of this even during your pregnancy. Some (childish) men resent the fact that everyone and everything seems to be to do with you. People enquire about you and your baby rather than about him. If he cannot deal with this, if you (and his mother, clearly) have spoilt him with attention and giving him his own way for so long, he will sulk and take the stance that nothing is going to change how he lives his life, and he will act as if this is your problem, get on with it, and leave me alone.

He may also be frightened of the baby, of not knowing what to do with him, but not being prepared to admit this. Men are not always natural fathers, anymore then all women are natural mothers - but at least most of them do make an effort to tentavely become involved. When and how to resume making love again is very often a problem, especially if this became difficult during your pregnancy and he is feeling "deprived". Many men are not intuitive or aware of how things and the body work and he will need to have this spelt out by you or one of his mates! He may have assumed that once you have had the baby then the sex resumes as usual. But it does not! - and he is being very ignorant in expecting you to become sexual after two weeks. It is different if you initiate some degree of sexual/physical contact, and that what happens is for your mutual pleasures and a reunion done in love. But he does not have the right to be pushy and demanding about this, especially when he realises that it is uncomfortable or painful. He has to accept a "yes I would love to, but no it just isn't possible yet" from you, and be content with some non-invasive sexual or loving activity - and even this can be difficult when you are tired and feeling not very romantic.

So you are not over reacting - he is letting you down badly just at the moment. Having a few hours break by letting your mother mind the baby is a possiblility but your little one is very young for you to feel safe doing this - plus it is pandering to DH's selfish needs. However if this gives you the opportunity to talk properly then it could be useful, but it is not just for him to have his sexual needs serviced. But until you really know what's in his head you need to keep things calm and work around him. The last thing you need now is constant rowing, this will tire you out and reinforce his resentment. For a little while give him some of this space he feels he needs, whilst you do your best to encourage some contact between the two of them. See if this develops and if DH starts to be more helpful and attentive. Then try to move it on from there.

And keep in touch with FZ.

Good luck.

Paul
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This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Paul Entwistle" (Jan 13th 2010, 8:26am)


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Wednesday, January 13th 2010, 3:21pm

Pam, oh goodness this sounds very familiar! Up until last week, my DH was ready to move out, we were splitting up and going our separate ways as I could not deal with him any more. He has all the time in the world to himself. Comes and goes as he pleases and pretty much his life has continued the same since Lochlan was born. Except for the fact that he now hasn't had sex for 18 months. He 'went off' me when I was pregnant, and hasn't started wanting me in any way since. Charming eh. That bit isn't os much of an issue for me, as I really can't be bothered anyway. As far as I am concerned, my bed is for sleeping in these days! (probably doesn't help the situation, but hey).

A wise lady once said to me of men, 'Boys are stoopid and they smell'. Never a truer word spoken. I think you need to sit your selfish fella down, and tell him in no uncertain terms that it is time to grow up and be a father and partner. Tell him what you need him to do to make things better for you. Men often need to have things spelled out to them, even though it seems bloody obvious to us! He might not realise what a tit he is being.



Hope you get somewhere with it all hun, cos I know how miserable it can make you feel. Take comfort from the fact that your little TJ will grow up to be kind and considerate and caring to his lady and will not be selfish in any way...no sireee!!!
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pamelag088

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Wednesday, January 13th 2010, 11:12pm

Thanks for all the supportive replies.

I do feel part of his problem is being afraid of doing it wrong and I have bit my tongue every time he doesnt do something as I would as I dont want him to feel his efforts are unappreciated, I had to learn hard way why he was crying, what soothes him etc and he doesnt have a clue and so Im the one who can make him quiet and so doesn bother but this is no use for when Im not there as he is unable to deal with it himself.

As for sex I feel if he gave me some space and not groping at me every hour I may actually want to and have told him this but hasnt changed a thing, he still thinks by feeling my arse this will work somehow? :snigger:

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Thursday, January 14th 2010, 12:16am

dont think much of his foreplay technique pammy!! but i know what you mean lol
you defo need to talk or all this resentment will turn to hate and it will be all over. if he doesnt do things like you do encorage him to do it your way or maybe 'try this...' you never know

on the otherhand i dont get a look in..DH takes over as he doesnt want to miss anything. but i still havent fully forgiven him for his new year incosideration but i know i ave said my bit but have to let it go.

mrs.smiff 18months? i know what you mean. it was like that with my ex....but it wasnt 18months ...it was 4years!!


pamelag088

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Thursday, January 14th 2010, 11:28am

Wanted to write more last night but he was peering over my shoulder :snigger: Im pretty sure he has read this thread, keeps cropping up in history when Iv not been on. Hasnt mentioned it at all but then thats typical of him, dont talk about it and it isnt real.

Mrs Smiff :hugs: sounds like you know how I feel, I feel same that his life has carried on as normal and he has free time to himself where if it were other way around I would say to him, Il watch him while you get a shower or catch up on eastenders etc but he never offers only if I ask.

I did talk to him earlier in the week and told him how I felt, told him it cant carry on like this and I cant even be bothered mentioning it as I feel Im saying same things over and over and its going to get so boring Il stop talking about it and end up hating him for not listening 1st, 2nd, 3rd time.

I understand he works and needs time to himself, He gets full nights sleep during the week, is it too much to ask I get one night to myself in almost 8 weeks?

Paul thanks for replying to me, the only loving gestures I get are the back rubs he gives when he wants something and when he realises he isnt getting any he stops and goes to sleep, He promises me the world before and lo and behold after he gets what he wants he has an errand to run, something to do, dogs to walk, I now know only time I get affection from him is when he wants his leg over so I have stopped needing affection too as Id rather have none that be pestered an hour after I get any and put up with the sulking and tantrums when he doesnt get what he wants

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Thursday, January 14th 2010, 12:20pm

Pammy



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Thursday, January 14th 2010, 12:42pm

Pammy I really hope your DH wises up soon as you need support. Thinking of you x


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Thursday, January 14th 2010, 1:25pm

Pammy, if DH has read this thread its no bad thing. Yup it means that he knows you've been speaking about it (which would upset my DH but only cause he'd think i should be speaking to him not anyone else) but he will have read everyone elses replies and perhaps seen what a royal %"&@ he's being. Especially reading Pauls reply which besides from being an educated reply(paul, i assuming your a psychologist/councilor?) is also from a man and not just 'another' woman.



I so hope this gets better



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Thursday, January 14th 2010, 1:51pm

Oh Pammy I feel for you I really do. I agree that his behaviour isn't acceptable. Men are simple creatures who aren't the best at articulating their thoughts and feelings, my DH was the same in regards being left with Jensen because whenever I gave him to him Jensen would scream and scream and DH would just sit there and play on his Xbox. It was only after repeatedly showing him what he should be doing to placate him that he started doing it. Turned out he didn't know what to do and was afraid to try anything himself in case he got it wrong and hurt him, babies seem like aliens to many men and fragile ones at that. Now DH is happy to hold him as he knows how to calm him, he will also change and dress him if I ask him to (never thinks to do it unless I ask him too) and I have to make a huge effort not to critisise how he does it, it might not be how I would do it but as long as it's not dangerous I realise I have to let him get in with it as the more he does it the more confident he feels doing it and therefore he's more keen to. Personally I would ignore the ffs look and leave TJ with DH more often, if you hear him screaming then pop your head in and suggest what he could do to settle him but don't take TJ off him, he's got to learn that there will be times he has the choice of listening to baby scream or getting off his arse and making an effort. Also, next time you make supper give TJ to DH, make supper then put his in oven to keep warm while you eat yours, your excuse is that TJ is settled and if you move him he's likely to scream through both your dinners. I bought DH a new game for the Xbox when he started volunteering to take Jensen so I could eat/sleep/have a long relaxing bath.



Bet you didn't think you were going to have to train both TJ and DH!

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Sunday, January 17th 2010, 7:17pm

Hi Pam

No great advice i'm afriad just wanted to send you a hug.
Rant away huni, we are here to listen !

nic xxx

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Sunday, January 17th 2010, 8:45pm

Someone somewhere once said to me, women need to feel loved to make love and men need to make love to feel loved - makes sense to me.

Perhaps your old man is feeling insecure as you're super mum and spending time with your gorg little man and he's officially redundant until the summers here and the lawn needs mowing again? More time together without TJ and some honest conversation without snapping would maybe work?

Either that or he's a selfish useless git and you're better off without him - kick him in the nuts and chuck him out till he realises what he's missing!!!
Cathie

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pamelag088

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Monday, January 18th 2010, 1:44am

lmao

I do think sex means love to him, He said to me with tears in his eyes last night, I cant cope not sleeping with you, I need it. He was acually begging me Now is this complete nymph pervert or a DH who needs to feel loved? Im still not sure :snigger:

Anyways I gave in after getting pampered for ages and he was like a changed man, so helful even took TJ to his mums for 3 hours to give me a break and gave him his bottle tonight, offered me more shower time(prob cuz I smell so bad) I just dont feel confident it will last but we will see.

Thanks for all your replies and support, I felt so guilty for feeling that way, Just felt so alone and unloved

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Monday, January 18th 2010, 1:10pm

Don't feel guilty Pammy, having a baby is a huge responsibility and can leave you feeling very lonely and isolated, especially if you've been confined to your bedroom on your own as you have. DH is probably feeling left out, before TJ he had you entirely to himself and suddenly he's playing second fiddle and doesn't know what his role is, he reaffirms your connection with sex (mine is exactly the same he started dropping hints the night I got home from hospital with a 2nd degree tear would you believe!).

Make sure you hold out for the pampering, that way he'll have to stay changed.

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Monday, January 18th 2010, 2:24pm

Oh pammy, i had to have a weerotf Its not funny i know but at least you know how to get your own way. Man, if i could get DH to pamper me all night, cook my tea and give me night of uninterupted foot rubs I'd say sex in return would be fair play! Im not sure about the 'need sex to love' thing though. Love to have sex more like! Same with women, we dont need love to have sex. I mean how many of us ladies have had sex but not been in love? Sorry pammy, I think dh just fancies the pants off you and cant get enough of you Must be doing somethong right :winking:
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Monday, January 18th 2010, 8:35pm

Yeah I'd defo let him 'have a go' if thats the transformation, from what you said earlier in the post he dont take too long and a 3 hour play with TJ for a 5 min sesh with you seems a great return on investment!!!!

Do you have to be awake????
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Tuesday, January 19th 2010, 9:21am

Oh sweetheart! This sounds oh so familiar!! I leaft my dh when G was 4 months old for eactly the same reasons. WWere back together now but still doesnt do as much as me (nearly full time job, housework and baby=knackered!!) If you wanna sound off youre more than welcome too I completely understand where youre coming from. x





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Tuesday, January 19th 2010, 12:10pm

Thanks for all the replies.
Yes did seem worth it :snigger:
I wrote him a very long email expaining everything, how I felt, why Iv been acting certain ways etc, Why do you have to actually s p e l l it out to men? He has started walking to work and leaving me with car through the day, hello freedom :snigger: So I think he sees now just hope it lasts as he has a habit of being mr incredible for a while then forgetting and going back to mormal week later.
Feels so much better with his suppor and help and Im a much more relaxed mummy now

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Tuesday, January 19th 2010, 12:25pm

That is great you are getting his support and you just have to make sure he doesn't start to slide again. You have to keep him on his toes. Good luck x


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Wednesday, January 20th 2010, 4:35pm

yay! glad things are better pammy



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Thursday, January 21st 2010, 8:49pm

told you a quicky would keep him sweet - MEN!!!
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Friday, February 12th 2010, 4:30pm

I think I want a divorce!

Hey all
Just me moaning again.
Things have gone from bad to worse and Iv got to the point I feel I dont need him anymore, I do everything and got so used to doing so I dont even want his help anymore. He is at work all day, Im out when he comes home, He stays upstairs all night then I bed TJ and go back down to do housework, bottles etc an when I come back up he is asleep, This has been last week or so. We havent had a converstaion at all. Iv spent no time with him and I think the clincher is my mum has been babysitting my 18 month old nephew, you can imagine he is a little rogue as boys are and DH is so aggresive towards him, He snatched TJ's toys from him, Tells him he is ba, shouts at him and we even suspect he made him cry on purpose(no evidence but very likely)
I dont want him round me or my son, When he comes near me for a kiss I actually cry as it makes me feel all these bad things and emotions come up that I didnt know even existed. I want him to stay away from me. Whats wrong with me? Is this normal after childbirth? Obviously my son is my world, Nothing comes close, Is this wrong that I dont care for anything else?

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Friday, February 12th 2010, 4:50pm

Hon I do not know your baby journey and how long it has taken to get your little boy. But on a level do you feel like you have got want you wanted i.e a baby and so really, your husband can just sod off now as his job is done?

On the other hand could it be a bit of the baby blues kicking in?

What was your relationship like before? If it was good then what has gone wrong so quickly? Do not get me wrong I can not wait for our baby to arrive, but my DH will come first and I will make that a priority. That is where I believe many marriages go wrong, the children take over and there is no marriage left. I am grateful for a happy marriage and do not want to loose that even at the expense of children.

Jo x

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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 1:21am

do you feel like you have got want you wanted i.e a baby and so really, your husband can just sod off now as his job is done?

Absoluelty not, I want him involved, I want to be happy with him, i want to have the spark back but Im fighting a losing battle, The feeling I am getting are not wanted they are happening involuntary.
He doesnt talk about anything, I try to communucate and he sits in absolute silence, ask him questions.. silence until I get so mad I give in. Im sorry Jo but I honestly think your in for a shock, that baby becomes your world and if DH isnt wanting to be part of it what else can you do? Yes maintain your relationship but in first few weeks you can barely maintain your sanity :snigger: I really dont mean to be rude but I felt that post was an attack on me, maybe I dont like to hear home truths? But I honestly feel like Im trying my best with him and getting nothing back. Are you saying if your DH acted this way you would put his needs above that of your baby?

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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 7:42am

Pammy so sorry to here that you are still having problems with DH. I can understand what Jo says about not forgetting about your DH as he needs attention as well but I really think men should understand that when babies are so young they need more attention than them. They are grown men FFS and can look after themselves whereas your baby is totally dependant on you and your DH should be helping you more with TJ so that he will depend on him too. Yes by all means later on when child is settled for the night you will have to put DH 1st and give him some attention.
You have to be careful as your resentment towards DH will grow and grow and it is very difficult to get relationship back on track. You have to make him talk to you and explain how he is feeling as there is no way he can be happy either. If he refuses to talk to you then he will leave you with no choice and he obviously doesn't care enough to save your marriage. If like Jo says he feels left out the least he can do is tell you that. It takes 2 to work at a relationship and you can't do it yourself. Take care and good luck :hugs:


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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 8:55am

Oh Pam :hugs:

I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone in all of this. It doesn't matter if it's DH being uncaring/you having the baby blues/something else, or a combination of many things, what matters right now is how you *both* feel and how you can make some changes to stop this hurt.

I know that we've spoken about this before (and I waffled about it!!) but I *really* think that it helps to understand that men are totally different animals to us - we can talk/argue/sort things out by saying twenty things in one go, if you say to another woman 'I am really upset because you do this, this, this and this' she will reply to every single one of them. If you say that to a man, you've lost him after the first 'this', their brains are totally different to ours and they can't handle more than one thing at once!! That's not a criticism of them, they are just different.

In your post you said how you feel when he comes to kiss you.....you probably don't see this right now because your emotions are raw, but he *is* coming to you to kiss you, that is a positive amongst all of the negative. Yes, you feel like crying because of all of the hurt and upset that is in your marriage right now, but he *is* coming to you for affection so clearly still loves you. Does that make sense?

How do you feel this morning? Do you think you could sit down with him and start slowly by saying that you are unhappy and ask him what is making him unhappy too? Start with a positive like 'I love you and want to sort this out'? Focus on something good before you beat him around the head with the negative!

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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 10:38am

Hey Pammy

Firstly huge hugs hun :cuddle , things have been really tough for you latley. There is nothing wrong at all with your little man being the centre of your world, your his Mummy and that's your job!

Like Eeyore says, all is not lost as he obviously does still love you and still wants affection from you. But Maybe he does feel left out, not by anything you have done but just because the family dynamics have shifted with the arrival of your gorgeous boy. Personally I can recognise your feelings of 'get away!' sometimes I feel so fraught and exhausted that I just don't have the energy to play happy families - what I really need is to put my feet up and have a nice cup of tea (and a huge tin of Quality Street! :snigger: ). So while it's admirable for those who have the time and energy to balance everyone in their lives with a new baby I know from experience that I just can't. My children's happiness and well being come first and although DH's is still important unfortunatly he comes a close second!

You have been through an extremly emotional time what with the feeding issues but I think you need to take a little step back and look back on how well you have done and are doing! x

PS. I think in Eeyores last sentence you should replace 'Negative' with 'Frying Pan'!!! :snigger:


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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 12:59pm

Hi Pam

Hugs to you lovely. I haven't posted on this thread before but have been lurking and following your journey.

I have absolutely zilch advice but thought I'd say that you're doing nothing wrong by making your DS the centre of your world and your first priority. I think its a natural way to be - your maternal instinct kicking in really and its certainly that way in my house!

Balancing it all is hard - I have 2 girls, 2 jobs, DH and of course friends, family etc and I know how challenging it is to get the balance right (if its any consolation I don't think I'm there yet myself - not sure I ever will be!).

The dynamics of a marriage inevitably change when another little person comes along. Its new for both of you. I know that I felt that DD1 was MINE and to some extent I excluded my DH because I just wanted to be the one to do everything (for various reasons, plus I'm a control freak!) and he did feel a spare part. Our marriage did suffer and at the time I thought 'get over it, you're the adult and she's the child and needs me the most'. With DD2 he's been much more involved and I'm trying hard to relax and allow him to do more!

The bottom line is that its going to be different for every new mum, every marriage and you just have to do what you feel is best for you, and your son, and in my opinion, then your DH.

Sending you lots of love - you'll get there, honestly. And it gets easier as they get older (kids not DHs!). I think!

x






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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 3:36pm

Thank you to everyone who has replied.
We had a very long emotional(well I was) talk today where I told him exactly how I felt an how if it didnt change I seen no future for us. As I suspected he had no idea there was even a problem, We havent sussed exatly what we are going to do about it yet but the lines of communication are more open than before.

I have been pushing him away but mostly becasue all he ever wants is his bloody leg over and I feel thats all he actually wants from me, Strip sex from our relationship and there doesnt seem to be very much left.
I realised we need to spend more time together and we have spoke about a night away just 2 of us with my mum taking TJ with no sex just 2 of us gettin to know each other again and trying to be receptive to each others needs.

I do feel Iv let TJ become everything to me but after wanting him so long I love that little toot so much and as you say Jodie he is the adult and TJ nees me more as he isnt going to understand, sorry TJ daddy needs some loving right now :snigger: Thanks so much for your avice and support, I felt like I was going mad, still o slightly but feel a lot better after jst telling him everything how it really is.

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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 4:09pm

Well done Pammy, It's not easy to front things up but it sounds like you have made a great start!

Remember tho, that inbetween looking after DH and looking after TJ you also need to find time to look after YOU!

x


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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 4:55pm

I am glad you have had a chat and I hope things start to improve. Communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship. Good luck x


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Saturday, February 13th 2010, 8:27pm

Hi Pamela,



Not much advice to offer but just to say that the first 3 months I found really really difficult with L so I think any other issues surfacing seem to be amplified. Just to echo what others have said that DP probably feels jealous - this is not an excuse for him but I think men find it harder to adapt to such a huge life change - you'd think the growing bump would be give them enough warning but they still seem to feel like it's a bolt from the blue! What worked with me is when i changed from breastfeeding to bottle feeding (am i right in saying you've just done this?), I asked dp to help out with the evening feed. This became his job and he felt much more involved and this was a nice time for him to bond with L. As time as gone on and L has become much more interactive things have gotten much easier and he does far more for her. Also, as a previous poster has said (cant remember who) , babies get miles easier as they get older. L is now on just 2 bottles a day and food. It's a wonderful feeling when you can put them in their highchair with a slice of toast and they can feed themselves while you do the dishes or sit and have a cuppa! I find now that when L goes to bed all the jobs are done because you manage to fit them in during the day. I seem to be waffling on but the point im trying to make is that when you have a bit more 'you' time you will have more time with DP also and it only gets easier. To sum up - mine and dps relationship was heavily strained in the first few months and now it's better than it ever was. Although now when we have free time together all we seem to talk aout is how amazing L is - these conversations are a far cry from those in the early days.



much love to you, dp and that beautiful baby of urs :) x
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Sunday, February 14th 2010, 10:10am

Oh hun, I really feel for you because I feel like I have been through exactly the same over the last 10 months or so. (Without my dh pestering me for sex that is, as I was convinced he didn't fancy me any more as he didn't show any signs of any interest let alone any love or affection whatsoever!) It's great that you have managed to make your DH realise that there IS indeed a huge problem, that will help to pave the way for some way of repairing the damage before it gets too late.

I don't agree that you should put your DH's needs before your baby at all. Babies need 100% commitment and they need to be the centre of your universe for a good while. I think one of the reasons we have such problems with relationships after the birthof a baby is because our way of dealing with issues has changed. Before baby, if DH didn't wash up, then you just either have a whinge at him, or do it. When baby is here, you don't have the time/energy to do that so things end up getting ignored and all the resentment builds up like a big savings account of seething anger! Each thing you see your other half as doing wrong gets added to the bank account until it's overflowing. After the birth of a baby women have an inbuilt NEED to be nurtured and cared for and protected and looked after, and if you perceive that your other half isn't fulfilling what you see as his duty, then you start feeling like you are being neglected. He probably isn't doing anything different to how he did things before baby, but to you that's wrong as he should be a changed man and have different priorities now that he is a dad. Blokes unfortunately often don't feel like that and they can see no problem with carrying on as they did before. I think part of the problem is that they see us being so amazingly good at juggling everything at once that they feel intimidated and step back and let us get on with it, not seeing that as we juggle everything we are getting more and more knackered and cross and feeling like he doesn't care!

I think another factor for people who have had a long journey to achieve motherhood like many of us on here have had, is that you spend a lot of time even before the pregnancy thinking of what it will be like to have a child, how you will do things, how it will make you feel etc, and imagining that once you have that baby nothing else will ever matter again and that you won't care if your DH doesn't help you as you will only ever want to gaze into your baby's wide awake eyes at 3 o clock in the morning night after night and marvel at how wonderful they are! The reality dawns on us oh so soon and the fatigue sets in!

You have made a major step forward in dealing with this hun, and I hope you can carry on working at things and your DH will start being a little more caring and understanding. I am sure he will now that he realises that things are getting out of hand. If it's any help, my DH has JUST managed to realise that I need more help/support/caring/love/affection/attention/appreciation and has turned back into my caring supportive hubby from the man I loathed a few months ago because he was acting like a total dick! AND the nooky drought has finally ended!!
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Sunday, February 14th 2010, 10:14am

Pammy, it's really good, and a huge step, that must have taken some courage, to have a chat with dh.

You really are doing a great job Pammy. It is completely natural and understandable that TJ has/is taking all your time, energy etc. The early days can be so hard, and very intense, and our babies do need us, 100% of the time, more or less!! You've battled through some really hard times, and from what I can see on here, always with a smile on your face, always ready to offer a kind word, or some help to others on here, and with the love for your little boy shining through.

You are certainly not alone in that TJ takes up most of your time, and you are focused on his needs. There's the getting to know your baby, the getting to grips with becoming a Mum, the practical and emotional apsects that come with all this, it's such a huge life change. On top of that you are recovering from pg and childbirth, for the first few weeks.
Similar to what Jodie said, I do think it is how nature intends us to be, for our maternal instinct to kick in, and to have our children as the centre of our family, and lives.

I will put my hand up and admit that, of course I love my dh, and we try really hard to 'remember' each other, as husband and wife. But, in these early days with L, and when H was a baby (and even now he is a bit older!!), they very much take all our energies, time etc. They need and rely on us completely, and they are our children, and they do come first. Factor in long working hours (and opposite working, when I return to work), and right now there isn't as much time for dh and me, at the moment. But like I say, we try the best we can, and we both accept that this is how life is right now, living with 2 small children.

I really hope things start to get better for you soon xxx



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Monday, February 15th 2010, 1:31pm

Pammy, I think you not only sound like a fantastic mother but also a very very patient wife. Personally, I think your troubles at the moment have nothing to do with either the baby blues or you spending 100% of your time on TJ. This is down to dh being selfish. Thats my personal opinion anyway. I think the very least YOU can expect from the man who said 'I do' is a little bit of support and respect. The very least TJ can expect is a father who will be there for him and nurture him as you do. It is harder for fathers that are out at work, of course it is but I would have though he would want to help out some.



Once you feel more supported and loved as opposed to a sex machine you will naturally want to give him more of your time.



I'm so glad you spoke to him. Your so brave! Perhaps now he realises there is a serious problem maybe you can work together to make it better. I so hope so A few days away NO SEX sounds like a plan!



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