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Eeyore

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  • "Eeyore" started this thread
  • United Kingdom

Posts: 21,402

Reg: Sep 27th 2005

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Monday, July 10th 2006, 9:21am

HOW IT FEELS - RANT CORNER


TTC hurts. It's as simple as that. Every day of every week, it hurts. It's not fair. It's as simple as that.

If anyone wants to share how they feel, then post it here. After a bad night and morning, I feel better for bashing out on my keyboard how it feels.

I get sick of people presuming that I had chosen not to have children. Men think it is very glamorous for some mad reason whereas women looked down their noses and would say 'oh so you have chosen the nice house/car/clothes/holidays over having kids'. What rubbish. I would do anything for my nice house to have its walls covered in crayon and the floors in toys, I would change anything to swap my car in for a child friendly one and I long for my clothes to be covered in baby puke and grubby sticky handprints. I decided a few years ago that I would answer that blunt statement just as bluntly to those people who think they have a right to pass judgement. 'No actually, I have been dumped with having difficulty in conceiving - a bit like you have been dumped with no tact asking a stupid question like that'

I have never believed in miracles (load of old tosh if you ask me) because each time the bloke in the sky had finally realised that I have been standing in the queue to have my arms filled with a baby, he allowed my dreams to be taken away in the most cruel and devastating way.

Miscarriage hurts more than I can ever explain, just as some of the reactions and comments that it brings out in other people. ‘Oh you were only a little big pregnant’ (tell me how you can be a little big pg??) ‘Oh at least you know you can get pg’ (oh yes, it’s taken 4/5/10 years to get pg but at least I know I can!) ‘Oh there must have been something wrong with the baby’ I am astounded how other people, particularly those who have had babies, can decide that 6, 10, 12, 14 weeks is ‘a little bit’ pregnant. Seeing your baby/babies at 12 weeks, seeing their features, their heartbeats, their tiny hands, that is NOT a little bit pregnant.

I feel like I have stood quietly and patiently in the baby queue where they hand out bfp's, for so many years, well 12 years actually. 12 painful Christmases/Birthdays/Mothers Days/Fathers Days have passed by where I have thought that by the next one I would be pregnant or have had a baby. Now I want to push all the 14yr old school kids in front of me out of the way, grab the woman on the counter by the throat and yell at her 'I have been standing in this queue for 12 bloody years lady, you have served school kids, chav's and drunks before me, AM I CHUFFING INVISIBLE OR WHAT?'

Being invisible seems to be a side effect of TTC. We are invisible to the person who hands out BFP’s and then sometimes invisible to friends who have got them. I am so lucky that wonderful friends who have become pg and had babies, have never changed one thing about themselves and don’t avoid us, but there are those who have. The only thing to do is to ask them why. ‘Oh I didn’t want to upset you’. Errrr?? What??? So by vanishing or changing as soon as you become pg won’t upset us? Any woman who is on this awful ttc journey will tell you that the worse thing to do is avoid us when you get pg – we are THRILLED that you have been given the miracle of life, because we love you as friends, ignoring us gives us a label. We become ‘Eeyore, who can’t have children’. That hurts so very much. I had a friend who has known me since I was 18, who took 12 months to fall pg and I heard about it every single day of the week, I was then 10 years into my TTC days. She became pg after 12 months and then every day of the week I heard about every single ache and pain, every bout of sickness, every scan and every moan of ‘Oh I can’t do this’. She told me that her friends said to her ‘Oh you so deserve this pg after what you have been through’ WHAT?? 12 months after coming off the pill you are pg and you tell me that your friends have said this? In those 12 months you smoked, drank, partied like an animal but you ‘deserve this after all you have been through’. What makes one person deserve it more than another? Yes, 12 months does feel like an awful long time, but so does 12 years.

One of the things that I feel really strongly about and I am not sure I should mention on here or not, but why not, it's an honest site is that I feel overwhelmed by TTC. What I mean is, I want to scream that I used to have a life. Does that make sense? How many other ladies can honestly say that they don't miss waking up sometimes with a hangover at the weekend? Maybe it's just me. Yes, don't get me wrong, I would do anything, well nearly anything, to have a child, but I also am not an angel. I like a cigarette occasionally and should be able to have a drink once in a while without feeling like I am Oliver Reed. Instead of that, we go out whilst TTC and everyone else in the group will be spangled and I'll be on the soft stuff and they will then drunkenly try to get me to drink. You know the scene, get me in a headlock, rub my head, tell me they love me and say 'go on, have a drink, one won't kill you'. No, it won’t, one wont kill me but six have turned you into an a**ehole.

I want to be able to go out with friends once in a while and dance on table and buy a kebab on the way home (I don't even like kebabs!). Should I stand against the wall so you can all stone me????!!!! My life has been on hold for so long whilst ttc, that ttc has become normal.

TTC hurts and makes no sense. When will it end? I want to believe that you WILL get there, WE will get there - it's just a sh*te journey we have been given (WHY?????) but that it's a journey with an happy ending. I want to believe that with all of my heart and FZ has shown me that the journey can have a happy ending as one by one its wonderful members have become pg and have had their longed for babies. But, oi, man upstairs, what about those who haven’t yet had their dreams come true?


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My journey has now ended. 6 babies in Heaven.



'It'll be all right in the end - if it isn't all right yet then it isn't the end!'





Pink

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Posts: 56

Reg: Jun 20th 2006

Location: Scotland

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Monday, July 10th 2006, 9:45am

Very articulate and very moving. The feelings you describe will ring true for so many people. And it's simply not fair. Take Care xx



Endometriosis
7 IUIs
1st IVF March 2006 BFN
FET June 2006 BFN
3rd IVF Nov 2008 BFP
TWINS!!!!!!

35 weeks
:D :D

Ethel

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Posts: 1,646

Reg: Oct 4th 2005

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Monday, July 10th 2006, 9:51am

Great idea a place where we can be honest about how we feel - I hope others post too'
.
People assuming that because I have been married so long and not had children that I don't want them and I am selfish, people saying to me that know my fertility problems - ohh at least you get peace and quiet. I don't want peace and quiet I want a child to make a mess in my house, to keep me awake at night. I sometimes think I bore people with it. Going for adoption is healing the process but I still find it hard to understand why after nearly 8 years I cannot have just one natural child. Why do all my treatments fail, what have I done wrong - when I know probably deep down its just luck I suppose if it works or not. I feel a failure when I see such success with some treatments. I am sorry if this sounds heartless to anyone that has a reason for not getting preggies, but sometimes I want a reason why I cant - unexplained is just so frustrating.

Why does a person who I sit with at work only tried for 1 year for her second child and then gets pregnant and announces to everyone how hard its being for her and the stress etc and is constantly moaning through her pregnancy. - to me a year is nothing but I suppose its not after 8 years . Why does a friend's friend's 15 daughter just fall pregnant and then go and have an abortion, why does another girl I sit with moan that she has 2 boys and wished she had a girl

Why do people have 3 kids int he same time as me not having any

Why do people that I have know off here have trouble having a baby and then have miscarraiges - have their dream given and cruely taken away

Sorry if this is so negative but after 8 years I sometimes feel like that

I am obviously very happy for anyone that get preggies I would not want anyone going through the years of stress and worry. I would love to turn back the clock sometimes pre-fertility where I had no cares in the world - where I did not live cycle to cycle.

The adoption has def made me a lot happier that I can get on with my life but I still have down days.


Posts: 97

Reg: Feb 3rd 2006

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Monday, July 10th 2006, 10:40am

I just want to say I am really struggling too at the minute - where ever I go or whatever i do I see people who are pregnant or with newborn babies and I feel so jealous.

I am sick and tired of people say "Isn't it about time you had another baby?" (DD is 4). they also have the cheek to say "well at least you have Daisy" Yes I have got her and I'm sure it would hurt more if I hadn't but do i not have the right to have another child? If only they knew the hurt inside when they say this. DD is the most precious thing in my life and I am so grateful I have her but it doesn't stop the aching for another baby. Even DD is asking why we can't have a baby like her friends and asks where has mummy's baby gone. I've explained to her the best I can but I can't explain it to myself so how can I to her?

I don't know why I am still feeling so down. it has been nearly 4 months since my miscarriage and I don't feel it's getting any easier. everyday I think I should be this far on and I should feel like this. I think the main reason is I know we can't afford any more IVF treatments and knew last time was my last attempt and I really want to keep going until i have another baby in my arms. Me and DH have even started arguing about having another go. I know deep down that we can't and he is being realistic but I can't accept it. I don't want to fall out over it but I'm so obsessed with it I can't see his point of view. Is this selfish?

I had a miscarriage before I had DD but I've found this one so much harder. I have to admit I got pregnant within a month of ttc so I always knew i could be pregnant again straight away and then I was pregnant again within a month with DD.

DH is very supportive but he says that I have to look forward and not at the past and I am trying to but all i want is another baby. DH was told his infertility could be temporary (due to medication) but what's temporary? it could be years.

DH is having another sperm test in August to see if there is any change but I am not very optimistic about it. I feel like nothing will go right for us anymore.

Sorry for going on but it has done me good to get this off my chest...Thankyou for starting this thread.
Me 27 DH 35
Natural Pregnancy 2001 miscarried at 10 weeks
Natural Pregnancy Daughter born May 2002
TTC baby #2 since 2003
ICSI #1 September 2005 - BFN
ICSI #2 February 2006 - BFP miscarried at 8 weeks

Posts: 56

Reg: Oct 3rd 2005

Location: Otley, west yorkshire

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Monday, July 10th 2006, 11:44am

Very very moving eeyore I think all of us can understand the feelings you have expressed as we have all been there at some time in TTC.

It moved me to tearsxxxxx
TTC for 3 years
Investigative lap done March 04
Right tube and ovary removed in 2nd lap Nov 04
DH poor swimmers
Treatment starting 14th Oct 2005 after a long long wait!!
9/11-Had to abandon due to poor response [zx004]
Hopefully 2nd attempt Jan 06
On second attempt March 2006
April 10th - Amazing BFP!! And its Twins!!!


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