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  • "ArthursMummy" started this thread

Posts: 67

Reg: May 12th 2008

Location: Caerphilly

Children: Arthur, born 30 November 2006

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Tuesday, October 27th 2009, 4:29pm

How do you cope with pregnant friends and colleagues?

Advice needed as I'm struggling, girls.

I'm going to be 38 in December and have been ttc #2 for nearly 2 years (DS is a "low sperm count" natural miracle). We've tried everything and are finally going to try IUI in December (can't have IVF/ICSI - theres no funding for us as we have a child).

I work with two other "mums" to small children and both are pregnant with their #2 - of course, it was "effortless" in their cases, one even became pregnant "accidentally" and spent the next 5 weeks crying and complaining about it as she didn't want "another one yet".

I'm not coping. I can't stand all the baby talk, all the excitement. I know that probably makes me feel like a horrible person but it just reminds me of what a big FAILURE I feel like. My other colleagues knew I was TTC and for a while kept asking when I would join the "baby club" until eventually I broke down crying in front of them all and told them we couldn't conceive again due to MFI and it would be unlikely unless we could have IVF. They've all now either gone very quiet or keep giving me "advice" (have more sex, prop your hips up, just-relax-and-it-will-happen, if its meant to be its meant to be why don't you adopt etc etc etc :rolleyes:)

I've been avoiding my pregnant colleagues, I know that sounds awful but its my coping mechanism. I luckily only work part time so its a question of go in sit down do my work and come home. However, my manager decided to move everyone around last weekend to make us all "socialise" a bit more (she was worried about the "cliques" that were developing lol, in my case it wasn't a clique, it was self-preservation . . .) and I found myself sitting in between the two pregnant girls, and listening to their unending baby chatter and how exicted their LOs are to be big brothers/sisters etc etc etc. I had a horrible day which culminated in me having a huge panic attack and leaving work 15 minutes early. The next day I rang in sick.

I don't know what to do, how to cope. I can't risk losing my job (and I've already had enough time off sick lately so I'm on thin ice as it is) but I'm not coping being an infertile woman in an office full of Superwombs. Has anyone else been through this? Am I a horrible person to be feeling this way? Please help :bawl:

This post has been edited 2 times, last edit by "ArthursMummy" (Oct 27th 2009, 4:30pm)


Gracie

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I now have double the trouble :)

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Tuesday, October 27th 2009, 5:17pm

RE: How do you cope with pregnant friends and colleagues?

:hello:

Have just read your post and first of all you are not a failure and you are not a horrible person. Sending you :hugs:

Infertility is such a difficult thing to deal with and the problem is that no one else really understands what it feels like (apart from us lot on here) and they come out with silly remarks and comments without really understanding how hurtful they are being. My DS is pg and I've had to just take a very big deep breath and try and be happy for her, which I am, but it is so, so hard. My manager said recently that at least I will get to be an Aunty when I was upset at work about this, she wasn't being thoughtless on purpose, she just doesn't get it!

Can you talk to your two colleagues and try and get them to understand how hard it is for you to listen to their baby talk and that their 'advice' is not going to solve the medical problem you have to overcome.

The trouble is, at the end of the day, we all have to somehow just carry on and put on a brave face and believe that one day we will get our BFPs. I know this is not easy to do, and all of us here have wobbles so you are not alone out there.

Have you thought about some counselling at all? I know it is not for everyone but I've found it really useful to be able to talk to a totally impartial person who will just listen to how you are feeling.

Also, everyone on here is very supportive and any time you need to rant there will be someone with an ear and a :hugs: - albeit a virtual one!

:goodluck: with your forthcoming IUI and remember that you are just as good as everyone else out there.

Love Gracie

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx






Me - 40 AMH 1.79, DH - 45
TTC since 04/06
6 x TX to date, inc 2 DIVF in Barcelona

One early loss, 04/09
Freya Grace arrived on 6/11/10 - Perfect at 6lb and 1/2 oz

Amazing natural :BFP: on 12/02/12
Poppy Ann arrived on 13/10/12 - Born at home weighing 6lb 12oz

We got there in the end! happydance

Maria72

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Tuesday, October 27th 2009, 5:40pm

I think we all find it hard :hugs:

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Wednesday, October 28th 2009, 9:38am

I couldn't read & run, yet I can't offer advice either because I too am struggling.

Thankfully mine isn't at work, as my office is mainly males (so I'd be worried if they were PG :snigger: ) . . . However one guy's missus will be PG near xmas, already told us thats the plan.

It's my homelife that has been greatly affected, and I do struggle weekly.
I've been excluded from 2 friends lifes... 1 because she has a baby now, the other because she's just found out she's pregnant :bawl: Like you they went quiet, and now don't bother with me :sadface:

Next door (also a friend) has now announced she's PG :bawl:
And everyone around me is having babies. I can list 10 straight off top of my head!!!

You aren't alone hun, but I do know, without this website I think i'd be in a mental home now and I'm being serious. I have up & down days, but thankfully DB is gettin more understanding of the heartbreak :smile:

I know it may not help, but at least you have you son Arthur :smile:

Chin up hunny, how're you today?? We're here for you :O
April 12 - IVF - :BFP:

April 17 - Here we go again!

Jodie

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Wednesday, October 28th 2009, 11:44pm

Evening.

Its hard isn't, watching others do easily what you so desperately want to do yourself. I've been in a similar situation to you and had to deal with Mums I met when our babies were little together getting pregnant, watching other children meet their siblings and listening to my DD ask where her baby was, why hadn't she got one. It ripped my heart out and I understand your panic and sense of failure.

I've no real advice how to deal with it. Maybe counselling would help and your GP would be able to refer you for this? Maybe being honest with your friends/colleagues and telling them how much you're hurting. Or at least tell your Manager. Maybe be really brave and join in the baby talk a little - offer advise and support - you've been there and done it after all and I bet your colleagues would be delighted to have you offer some experienced advise!!

I remember having to hold a babyshower for a close friend just after my last shot at clomid. It was just a situation I had to grit my teeth and deal with because the bottom line was she was pregnant and I was/am her friend. I came home and cried but I was a good friend, which was important to me as well.

Anyway, I hope you're feeling better and strong enough to go into work tomorrow.

x






My family is complete...I am grateful every day

DD1, natural miracle, 2005
DD2, IVF miracle, 2008


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Reg: Apr 4th 2009

Location: Hertfordshire

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Thursday, October 29th 2009, 7:47pm

I think most of us can totally relate to how you are feeling. I know I can. It is very hard when everyone around you seems to be pregnant and is expecting you to celebrate their news or worse feel sorry for them because it happened too soon or they are going to put on weight again shock, horror. I have several friends on their 3rd pregnancy and have also had to contend with various work colleagues wondering why I flinch when they wave their scan photos under my nose. All I can say is you are not alone, going mad or a bad person. You are one of us. I hope that you feel better soon, you know where we are if you need a rant or a virtual hug. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • "ArthursMummy" started this thread

Posts: 67

Reg: May 12th 2008

Location: Caerphilly

Children: Arthur, born 30 November 2006

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Saturday, October 31st 2009, 8:07pm

Hey everyone

Thanks for all your replies

Had a terrible day today, with one colleague, who thinks that being pregnant with baby number 2 makes her THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON ON EARTH and that everyone should make a fuss of her. Anyway, I ended up in tears after listening to her endless baby talk and she then went to the manager and complained that I had offended HER by getting upset!! She was heard declaring loudly "Why don't you just employ loads of men who'll talk about Rugby or whatever?!! I'm really upset and dreading work tommorrow. How do you deal with such insensitive people? Or am I just being over sensitive?

compley

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Posts: 6,056

Reg: Apr 30th 2006

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Saturday, October 31st 2009, 8:26pm

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it really sounds like you are having a difficult time at work, on top of trying to deal with a very distressing situation.

You are not being overly sensitive at all, I think it is completely understandable, how you are feeling.
It is difficult, because your situaition is one that you may not wish all your work colleagues to know about, and even if they do, sadly some people lack the empathy needed, to help you through these tough times.

As Jodie said, have you thought about talking to your manager about your situation?.....And please know that we are all here to listen, and support, if you need to vent/get your feelings out.

xxx

  • "ArthursMummy" started this thread

Posts: 67

Reg: May 12th 2008

Location: Caerphilly

Children: Arthur, born 30 November 2006

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9

Saturday, October 31st 2009, 8:54pm

Quoted

Originally posted by compley

It is difficult, because your situaition is one that you may not wish all your work colleagues to know about, and even if they do, sadly some people lack the empathy needed, to help you through these tough times.


xxx


That just about sums it up. My colleagues only found out because they saw me with fertility books on my desk well over a year ago and can't beleive that I'm not pregnant yet. So I had to tell them. And then Miss Superwomb gets pregnant without even trying.

She's very insensitive and has no idea how upsetting it is. The worst thing in the world is that I now have to sit next to her.

I just feel so full of hatred for myself and like a total failure . . .




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