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karen36

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1

Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 10:47am

What should I do

I have been approached by a couple I know (but not very well) to go for custody of their little boy.. Lets just say he has been taken off them for various reason's and they have been told that social services are gonna put him up for adoption. they have asked me if I would take him in and give him a home?

I really don't know what to do... Yes it could be the answer to my prayers but would I be opening up a can of worms... I only know them as they come to my club selling stuff and have known the little one since he was born he will be 2 in december...

What do I do??

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Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 11:10am

I dont know what to advise Karen! Firstly do you and dh want to!
Me 35 DH 43

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3

Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 11:13am

What were your plans before this option came along?

Me:34 DH:40 TTC 4 1/2 yrs
Secondary infertility
Blocked tubes and high FSH
DH's swimmers borderline
1st ICSI Aug/Sept 05 - abandoned due to poor response
2nd ICSI Oct/Nov 05 - BFN
3rd ICSI May/June 06 - BFN


This is the end of our ttc road :(



karen36

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4

Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 11:21am

thanks girls,

Tracy, we applied ages ago to become foster carers but because dp has been banned from driving we were advised to wait a few years... so yes it has been thought about..

Grippy,

We have to have egg donation, we were at the top of the list with donor available but money not, so everything has been on hold... Then I bought the club I work at, so things just took over really...

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Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 11:26am

Karen - have you talked about it with your dh? What does he want to do? What is your gut feeling telling you?
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Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 11:29am

It is a huge decision, but sometimes in these situations I think your gut instinct will tell you what you want to do. There is no right or wrong decision, just what is right for you. Could be that these things happen for a reason. You say that money is stopping you being able to try for DE IVF, and you have been advised to wait to be foster carers, so maybe this is a good option for you.



Lots of luck Karen, let us know how it goes. x

Me:34 DH:40 TTC 4 1/2 yrs
Secondary infertility
Blocked tubes and high FSH
DH's swimmers borderline
1st ICSI Aug/Sept 05 - abandoned due to poor response
2nd ICSI Oct/Nov 05 - BFN
3rd ICSI May/June 06 - BFN


This is the end of our ttc road :(



karen36

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Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 11:36am

My dh was there last night when they asked me about it, when they had gone I explained what it was about, he just said oh and carried on reading the paper.. Dp thought's always come to light when he has had a drink.. the last time we had a situation like this was over the ivf and he turned round and said It was my choice he didn't have a say in the matter..Which obviously hurt it was at the time when my friend/donor was going through her treatment to help us get to the top of the list.... He says he will do anything to make me happy, but this is not the answer I want..

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Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 1:25pm

Hi Karen

This is a rather unique situ isn't it

first of all, I'd approach it from the legal point of view

are the social services invovled (not just with the family, but with you as prospective carers)?
is there someone you can go to to discuss this?

you need to have everything throughtly set out in front of you to begin with, who will make what decisions, what role do these people play in his future ?

Have sent you a PM

Lisa
x

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Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 1:26pm

BTW - I didn't realise you'd bought the club.. congratulations!
Must come in one day to see you :)

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Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 1:38pm

wow .... if adoption was always going to be an option this could be a dream come true for you and the chance to give a little boy a home he deserves.

No doubt there millions of legal things that would need looking into.







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Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 1:47pm

it is a hard one, like you have said it seems to be a perfect answer, but would these people LET you be his parents or will they expect to have you just look after him so that they can still see him?? but in my heart i wouldnt be able to see him go to anyone else. not if i had known him from birth and i was able to offer him a safe loving home, every child deserves this. why is he being taken away karen?
if it went ahead, would his parents be too close to home??
oh the questions are endless!
sorry for being too nosey.xxxxxxx



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



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12

Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 3:17pm

I was thinking that too would the parents still want to be involved in his upbringing in the future? There are so many Qs and you need guidance and legal support from a social worker if this is to be a serious option. Good luck whatever you decide and let us know!
Me 35 DH 43

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13

Tuesday, June 20th 2006, 5:20pm

It is a very difficult situation. My SIL once asked her parents (my in-laws) if they could have her older two but it was purely selfish reasons and they said "no". We did say to each other that if the situation arose we would like after my niece but not two as we only have two bedroom and that wouldn't be fair. But it never came about anyway.

The difficulty is if the parents expect to have a say in his daily life? They came to you as the child was being put up for adoption. Did they hope by you & DH adopting him, they would get to see him. I'm sure the Social Workers would want to keep a strict control on any visits even if they did allow him to see his parents.

Its a real Catch 22 situation and what that involves careful thinking.

If it was me, I would want to know what sort of relationship they'd be allowed to have & what they would want. If they know they can't see the child but knowing he was with you and they were happy with that and wouldn't interfere would be another factor.

Its very difficult Karen. But I can see how it would be lovely to give him a lovely home and providing all the bases were covered, so to speak, one that I would give serious consideration to.

xxx Lorraine xxx

Me: 39 & DH: 42 ~ TTC: 5yrs; M/c@7.5wks (20/1/03) & became a mum after our 2nd IUI attempt in June 2007 to 6lbs 4ozs baby girl called Rebecca after an emergency caesarean section at 6.29am on 12th March 2008


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Wednesday, June 21st 2006, 7:36am

Hi Karen

These people must know how lovely you are and how you wld make a lovely mommy and daddy. I think you should def look into it - and as Cookie said find out what part they will have in the upbringing and def bring in sociial servcies to make it all official.

Best of luck Mrs

Regarding your hubby - men some of them dont get excited about anything to they - I am dead excited about this course I am going on tomorrow night and DH just goes with the flow!! LOL -


karen36

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Wednesday, June 21st 2006, 5:57pm

He is already with foster parents, from what they have told me the couple should not even been in the same part of the country together..Father has history of drugs (and still on them) has spent time in prision, for shoplifting and other things, he also has a history of violence, mother drinks heavily not sure about drugs though... so think ss have taken the welfare of the little one into account.. They have a new social worker and it's her that has decided he should be placed up for adoption.. They are going to speak to her about me and see what she say's.. I don't know if they have asked me because they think that once I have him they can have him back.. I don't think I would want them to know where I live as then they could just turn up and think this would be too unsettling for all concerned...

Nothing may come of it but just wanted your thoughts... Yes it could be the answer to our prayers, after all he is a lovely little boy and I have always felt sorry for him with what he must go through with them... I have even given them nappies that I had bought for my nephew because they didn't have money for any... It must be no life for the poor little chap who has been taken shoplifting since virtually the day he was born.

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Wednesday, June 21st 2006, 6:36pm

Oh dear hun, what a situation to be in. I think you have to really think hard about it, and make the right decision for you, it is easy to think of the little lad, but you have to remember if not by you he will be adopted by another great family. Take care chick. xxx
Mum of 3 year old twins.
Had ICSI worked first time


Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get!!



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Wednesday, June 21st 2006, 7:19pm

hi karen. what an honour for you to be asked. when a child is recommended by ss for adoption they have a responsibility to explore the wider friends and family circle to see if there are suitable carers especially if the birth parents agree to this. it would involve a formal assessment by ss if it were to happen. you would also be able to discuss with the sw contact arrangements wqith birth family- i think this would be discussed at the initial meeting so the sw would know if your expecations could be met too. it is a huge decision, and you are right to take it seriously. best of luck,
veggie
x
adoption...after a typically long journey, approved November 05, linked with strawb December 05, Brought our princess home May 06, aged 21 months

single mum since dec 08, and very grateful for the FZ support through the whole lot xx



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karen36

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Wednesday, June 21st 2006, 8:49pm

Thanks Clare & Veggie

Yes it is a honour, they know our situation with regards to children or the lack of them.. so since he was born they have always bought him to see me at work.. he will be 2 in december. Just going to wait until they get back to me with what the sw says and will take it from there I think, I don't want to build my hopes up...

And thanks for the info Veggie..
Take care x

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Thursday, June 22nd 2006, 7:49am

good luck hun, i hope it all works out, it sounds amazing. xxx



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



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Thursday, June 22nd 2006, 5:42pm

The good thing is that you know his background. Which will help as although he's young, you don't know what he's seen. He has Foster Parents now so that is great.

As long as you, DH, the social services and the parents are aware of the situation, then I'm sure the little boy will have the best chance for a happy family life with you Karen. There is lots of questions to ask/answer but it sounds like SS are on top of things and with their help, I'm sure the best will be done for that little lad.

Keep us in touch Karen
xxx Lorraine xxx

Me: 39 & DH: 42 ~ TTC: 5yrs; M/c@7.5wks (20/1/03) & became a mum after our 2nd IUI attempt in June 2007 to 6lbs 4ozs baby girl called Rebecca after an emergency caesarean section at 6.29am on 12th March 2008


karen36

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Thursday, June 22nd 2006, 9:42pm

Thanks Lorraine, just going to sit and wait for them to get back to me with what sw says and take it from there

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Thursday, June 22nd 2006, 9:58pm

Hi Karen, that's all a bit muddling! Poor you it's like a dangling carrot on a bungee - you're not sure whther to have yourself go down that route as nothing may come of it. I don't envy you. Like someone else posted at least you know his first two year history.

I hope the best hing for you two and thw wee boy works out. I will be thinking of you, Love Lesa xx
Keep smiling :happy:

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Sunday, July 2nd 2006, 2:10pm

How's it going Karen - any news?

xxx Lorraine xxx

Me: 39 & DH: 42 ~ TTC: 5yrs; M/c@7.5wks (20/1/03) & became a mum after our 2nd IUI attempt in June 2007 to 6lbs 4ozs baby girl called Rebecca after an emergency caesarean section at 6.29am on 12th March 2008


karen36

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Sunday, July 2nd 2006, 4:51pm

The social worker has told them that its a possibility that he can come with me, just waiting to hear from the sw..

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Sunday, July 2nd 2006, 8:15pm

Thats good. At least they are considering all the options.

xxx Lorraine xxx

Me: 39 & DH: 42 ~ TTC: 5yrs; M/c@7.5wks (20/1/03) & became a mum after our 2nd IUI attempt in June 2007 to 6lbs 4ozs baby girl called Rebecca after an emergency caesarean section at 6.29am on 12th March 2008


karen36

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 10:33am

A update at last.. Social worker coming thursday morning.. Little one still in foster care been there since feb, parents having 2 supervised visits a week, there is no way they will have him back.. they want me to adopt him as they say I can give him the life he needs.. his daddy says he dosn't want him turning out like him so adoption is the avenue we are going down.. all very exciting and very nervous at the same time... only problem I have found is i cannot talk to the sw in confidence, so prepare yourselves for all my rantings!!!

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 12:07pm

Ahh how exciting Karen so happy for you x


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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 1:05pm

aww karen!! thats fantastic!!!

i know where you are coming from with the ss thing, keep strong sweety, and good luck.......PLEEEEEEASE keep us posted xxx

love kerry xxx



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 1:19pm

Goodness Karen, it's all go then!

Do keep us updated, we're all here any time you need a rant ;)



...and so you'll be wanting a childrens pony then ? :D ;)





karen36

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 1:30pm

Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind already Bells ;). still very nervous about it all but excited too.. still it's early days and not gonna build my hopes up too much.

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 2:08pm

oh karen will be thinking of you and keeping everything crossed
x
adoption...after a typically long journey, approved November 05, linked with strawb December 05, Brought our princess home May 06, aged 21 months

single mum since dec 08, and very grateful for the FZ support through the whole lot xx



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karen36

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 2:10pm

Thanks, it must bring back lots of memories for you reading post's like this, it seems as though we all went through it with you held your hand every step of the way. just hope I get some of the same support xx

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 2:24pm

of course you will karen! it might help to get some good books in- stuff on attachment etc. I can recommend getting in touch with the BAAF they have lots of good books and could point you in the right direction
x
adoption...after a typically long journey, approved November 05, linked with strawb December 05, Brought our princess home May 06, aged 21 months

single mum since dec 08, and very grateful for the FZ support through the whole lot xx



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karen36

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 2:37pm

Thanks will get onto it right away... My friend who has a autistic/asbergers syndrome son is doing me a reference as he spends alot of time with me and dp...it might help you never know, I know they like you to have experience with looking after children.. It's just a long time since I seen the little one he has been in foster care since feb, I bet he has changed a bit.. xx

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 6:48pm

Congratulations mum to be! That's wonderful news. If there's anything I can help you with give me a shout! It must be so exciting actually knowing the child. Thinking of you, lvoe Lesa xx
Keep smiling :happy:

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Tuesday, November 14th 2006, 10:44pm

thats fantastic news karen....quad bike for your lo next year...clap...well done..!!

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Wednesday, November 15th 2006, 7:48am

They advised us at the adoption coruse Karen to go and work in a nursery or something for a week to get experience if you dont have much childcare experience etc. So excited for you x


karen36

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Wednesday, November 15th 2006, 11:03am

I have the experience, have babysat other peoples children for years..when I was 15 I used to look after twin girls their mum had 5 children including them so I used to take them off her hands..the same girls were bridesmaids at my wedding. Then when I was with my ex husband my next door neighbour had her 2nd baby and I had him from when he was 2 weeks old to give her a break.. they used to do deep sea diving so I would have him from a friday night to a sunday night every weekend, then there is my dp's nephew who is 2 january and also one of my dj's at work I take his little boy out with me to give his mum a break.. so the list is endless, these people would willing give me a reference if I need one..

karen36

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Thursday, November 16th 2006, 10:05am

Well she has just left, not really sure how it went, some positive things were said.. she was more concerned about the fact that I still had contact with his parents, but I assured her that they don't even know where I live.. she thought that what ever we discussed I was going to repeat it to them.. Think she was assured when I said I will do what it takes.. If the court tells me to change my number I will, If they say I have to move I will, and if I have to take 6 months off work I will.. She talked about child proofing the house which I said wouldn't be a problem.. 2 days of housework didn't pay off I think she was worried it was too tidy and a child would trash it... the dogs were a quiet as mice which was good but she knew we had them.. what she did say though was that if it does go ahead they want it done quickly so it could be very intense.. I said not a problem... should hear back the early part of next week.

So thanks for all your kind thoughts... Fingers crossed

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Thursday, November 16th 2006, 1:06pm

Gosh Karen, I hope it all goes to plan for you. :angel2:

xxx





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Thursday, November 16th 2006, 3:35pm

Thats brillianty Karen - I bet we will be doing home visits at the same time


karen36

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Thursday, November 16th 2006, 4:18pm

Thats if the lady from ss says YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

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Thursday, November 16th 2006, 9:46pm

This is very exciting! Really pleased for you, Lesa xx
Keep smiling :happy:

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Thursday, November 16th 2006, 9:51pm

Sorry i missed this hun, really pleased for you, looking forward to reading your story!! xxx
Mum of 3 year old twins.
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Friday, November 17th 2006, 2:14pm

Wow,Karen,sounds very positive.Fingers crossed for you hun.


shelly

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Second Ivf BFN.
Third Ivf no eggs fertalised.
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Friday, November 17th 2006, 2:19pm

oh karen it does all sound very positive! I will be thinking of you let us know if there is anything we can do to help
xx
adoption...after a typically long journey, approved November 05, linked with strawb December 05, Brought our princess home May 06, aged 21 months

single mum since dec 08, and very grateful for the FZ support through the whole lot xx



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karen36

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Tuesday, November 21st 2006, 4:32pm

still not heard anything, sw did say early part of the week but nothing as yet...

karen36

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Wednesday, November 22nd 2006, 10:06am

My mind is spinning, really don't know what to think thought I would have heard something by now.. I really think it's the not knowing thats driving me mad... how hard is it to say YES or No.. Want to phone but will it seem too pushy or should I just leave it and then they think I'm not that interested?

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLp

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Wednesday, November 22nd 2006, 12:59pm

id phone em chick, it doesnt show you are pushy, it shows you care. give em a ring and let us know what they say.

love and luck

kerry xxxx



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



karen36

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Wednesday, November 22nd 2006, 2:05pm

Couldn't wait so called sw not in today back tomorrow, so im sat here worrying waiting for the phone to ring and she is on a b****y day off...

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