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  • "MrsW" started this thread

Posts: 271

Reg: Feb 27th 2008

Location: South West

Children: None but so ready to be a mummy

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Wednesday, March 18th 2009, 12:22pm


Hi, we had a BFN on our 2nd IUI, i wanted to know from a Male percpective how this feels. Me and DH are not really upset, we are positive that one day we will have a family, but finding this whole 'Unexplained infertility' quite stressful.

DH keeps his feelings to himself, and i do worry about him. So what do you guys feel and how do you deal with it ? Is there something i should do or say ?

Thanks for your time. x

Me 33 DH 34 Unexplained Infertility. Trying for almost 8 years
4 Failed attempts at IUI June 2008 - May 2009.
IVF August 2009. :BFN:
November 15th 2009 .. FET :BFN:
April 2010. 2nd attempt at IVF. Cycle Cancelled.
August 2011: IVF 1 Blastocyst Transferred. :BFN:

Still with hope.

My Diary



    United Kingdom

Posts: 4,005

Reg: Aug 5th 2008

Children: One gorgeous son born on 28th May 2010

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Wednesday, March 18th 2009, 5:32pm

So sorry to hear this Mrs W.

Sorry I cannot help with your question.


28.05.10 My miracle son Harry was born 5 weeks early, by c-section lurve



Posts: 5,464

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Wednesday, March 18th 2009, 8:03pm

Hiya Clair
I know exactly how you feel. I worry far more about my DH if we don't have children, than myself. I know I would cope with a childless existence, but I really don't know how he will.

When I got my BFNs I felt so upset for him and I wanted to talk alot with him about how we may live our lives with no children, what about adoption etc etc. But he just wasn't ready for those discussions. I've learnt now that couples move at different paces and talk about stuff in their own time.

You may find that your DH is coming to terms with things in his own time and in his own way, and you have to allow him that time. We've had counselling at the clinic (your clinic should also offer you this) and it has been very useful and reassuring, particularly when the counsellor points out that we are dealing with all this in quite typical gender-specific ways!

Hope that makes sense. Try not to worry too much, I'm sure he'll come round and talk more gradually.


Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning how to dance in the rain

Jan 08 Fibroid removed. May 08 IUI - BFN :sadface:
Nov 08 IVF 7 eggs (just one fertilised :sadface: - BFN
May 09 ICSI 1 - 7 eggs (two fertilised) BFN :sadface:
Aug 09 Another fibroid removed
Nov 09 ICSI 2 - 1 mature egg (it fertilised) BFN :sadface:

My journey is now over

Posts: 2,505

Reg: May 2nd 2007

Children: A boy and a girl, both living in London

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Wednesday, March 18th 2009, 9:47pm

Hi Clair,

Unfortunately unexplained infertility is one of the most difficult fertility situations to be in and deal with. When there is a formal diagnosis then you can decide whether to have treatment for this, or not, and when to have this, and when to decide to stop. In your situation you can't decide to have a break from treatment, or to go on a holiday to escape the monthly waiting to see. Without a diagnosis that says that it can't happen, then every month contains the possibility that it might, and there is no way out of this.

As part of answering your question, men and women do see fertility different and deal with this and their treatment, in defferent ways. Usually the drive to continue trying and using different treatments comes from the women. Men's sense of loss usually comes from their loss of fertility rather than the absence of a conception and pregnancy. So it is in those situations where there is an obvious male factor that men become most concerned, distressed, angry, guilty, feel helpless, and want to talk about and tend react to, what is happening. Here they become the driving force, wanting answers and actions that will enable them to change the situation.

Where the sperm picture 'appears' to be normal, then men can cope better and can get on with their conventional role of supporting their partner. They end to be more relaxed and pragmatic about what is happening and why their partner can't conceive with their sperm. However it is still important that they are able to talk about their feelings (yes men do have them!) and their opinions, and play a full role in decision making rather than sitting back and saying "yes dear, if that is what you want, dear".

It was as a couple that you originally set out to have a baby, and irrespective of the diagnosis and the treatment, it is as a couple that you should be continuing to try What ever happens, and despite the differences in attitudes and needs, decisions should be made and agreed jointly, only in this way can success be jointly shared. And if success is not the outcome, then the loss and grieving becomes a shared and mutually supportive process.

Of course he may not have anything that he needs to say, but that would be surprising, about something so important to your present and future lives. But if he doesn't want to talk to you about this, it makes it the more difficult for you to talk to him. So you should continue to encourage him to talk about what's in his head - he can't be let of the hook too easily, as that puts too much of a burden on you, having to worry for both of you. And if he doesn't want. or can't, talk to you, then see if there is anyone else who can get him to talk, a brother, friend, colleague or of course a counsellor.

That's probably enough to say for now, except that very commonly this gender difference adds to the problem of infertility, and as such can become a barrier that separates you, rather than aallowing for a pooling of interests and needs.

Good luck.


Fertility Scientist and Andrologist
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