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  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

Location: Oxford

Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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1

Sunday, November 9th 2008, 7:41pm

Contact with adopted childs family

Hi all,

I am currently trying to make the very hard decision on whether to start IVF treatment or apply for adoption. I always said if it got to this stage we would look at adoption rather than IVF but its so hard.

Reading some of your diaries makes me really excited about adopting as it's always been something I've thought about.

One thing that puts me off though is that you have to maintain contact with the childs family - what experiences have you all had with this?
Is this normal?

I will carry on reading all of your diaries as they are wonderful! :happy:

Many thanks!

TigerLilly
TigerLilly xmas39

Marlene

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Sunday, November 9th 2008, 7:51pm

Hi Tigerlily

1stly welcome to FZ and I hope you find this warm and friendly site as helpful as I have .

It is a very hard decision what your about to do as we made that one ourselves after 4 years of IVF/Egg Donation . We have been in the process now for nearly 8 months as during the course of this time , we have covered lots of different areas. Contact with the birth family came up as a fear for me initally because I didnt understand how it works.

During your Homestudy, you will be asked to consider what level of contact you could deal with , it could range from indirect ( letterbox only) to meeting twice a years.. very very wide. I now can see the benefits from the contact as these lovely children all do have history and can help get through tough times which may be raised once they are with you as adopters. it really does depend on the child/ren situation that determines the contact.

I hope by reading some of the diaries , it comes a little clearer and if you want to askme anything , I will try my best to give you the right answers or my thoughts


Beautiful Daughter and gorgeous Son through adoption, my family now complete , 2009 started our journey and complete Oct 2012 ....

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  • "philippa_s" is no longer a member of FZ

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Sunday, November 9th 2008, 9:07pm

Hi

I was adopted as a baby and before the laws changed in 1975 so there was no expectation with regards to contact with parents.

This is only my experience but I cannot tell you how much having contact/ information with my brith parents over the years would have helped me in finding out who I am and would have perhaps made my, and at times i'm sure my adoptive parents, lives easier.
2 gorgeous girls and 1 on the way

Marlene

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Sunday, November 9th 2008, 10:00pm

Hi Phillipa

Thank you so much for sharing about what the contact would have meant to you. I will remember this when we finally get to the stage.

Wishing you all the best..

x


Beautiful Daughter and gorgeous Son through adoption, my family now complete , 2009 started our journey and complete Oct 2012 ....

parteepartee

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Monday, November 10th 2008, 7:41am

Hi Marlene

I have been reading a book called primal wound, can't remember who it is by but I think it involved v's, veronica maybe. Anyway, it's not the brightest book to read and a bit heavy going but explains 'perfectly' how I have felt over the years and also why. It really was just like a lightbulb moment. I sat and cried for most of it as it felt like, for the first time in my life, someone knew what I was going through. I rang my bro (he's adopted too but deals with it in a completely different way to me) and made him get it too!

If you feel like you could read it (I would imagine from an adoptive parents point of view it probably not necessarily what you need to read) is it is well worth a read. It just gives you an insight into what might be going on and why.

Best of luck with your journey. I'm sure you will make fab parents! I will have a read through your diary in a bit and see how you're getting on...

P x
2 gorgeous girls and 1 on the way

Marlene

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Monday, November 10th 2008, 10:01am

Thank you so much Phillipa, i will look on amazon for it . good luck over the next few weeks, how exciting ...

xx


Beautiful Daughter and gorgeous Son through adoption, my family now complete , 2009 started our journey and complete Oct 2012 ....

parteepartee

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

Location: Oxford

Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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7

Monday, November 10th 2008, 9:04pm

Contact with adopted childs family

Hi Marlene & Phillipa, :happy:

Marlene - Thank you for letting me know that this is something than can be discussed with the social worker and helping me understand a little about how it works.

Phillipa - Thank you for helping me see a d different perspective. It is sometimes too easy to lose site of the feelings the most important person involved in the process - the child!

You have both made me realise that this is something that is important to the child and in helping them adjust and I already feel a liitle easier with this.

Tigerlilly
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Rufus

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Tuesday, November 11th 2008, 8:46am

HI Tigerlily, we hope that we can find out as much as we can about our lo's family. We intend to go back at some stage just to research further if we don't get much information. there is always someone who remembers. I have just read a book called 'i Wish I was' by Anona Coates and she only found out about her adoption at the age of 43 after a troubled upbringing. I think it is important to have some link, however small for the adult to make sense of who they are form the point of view of their joint past.

Philippa, it is lovely to hear your story. thanks so much for sharing it,love Lesa xx
Keep smiling :happy:

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

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9

Thursday, November 13th 2008, 8:59pm

Hi Lesa,
Thank you for your thoughts - everyone has really made me think about whats good for the child.

Good luck for Monday!

Tigerlilly
TigerLilly xmas39

Soooz

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Sunday, November 16th 2008, 10:51am

hi - my dh was adopted and again this was before the rules changed and he only decided when we were trying to have children of our own that he wanted to track his biological parents down. but up until then he said he never had the urge or the need to consider even "thinking" about tracking them down as he and his sister (also adopted and not biologically related to him at all) were so totally loved and cherished there was desire for him to look for them at all.

i hope you don't mind me butting in :) and good luck with your decision xx

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

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Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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11

Sunday, November 16th 2008, 8:34pm

Thanks Susie for your coments about your husband.
It is really helpful to hear about everyones experiences and helps me to understand how adopted children might be feeling.

I'm really beginning to see a much bigger picture!

TigerLilly
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12

Sunday, November 16th 2008, 9:12pm

Hi Tigerlilly,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I am trying to come to a final decision about adopting from abroad or having ANOTHER IVF treatment, I am leaning heavily towards adoption but my husband is still to make up his mind fully. He has said that he will do what ever I think is best, but he just wants to be certain, that I am certain.

How far along this journey are you? We have contacted the LA and I have booked us on an information meeting on Dec 19th, with the adopting from overseas people.

Hope to get to know you a little better,
Sarah.x
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.

Miracle1

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13

Monday, November 17th 2008, 11:56am

Hi everyone,

I am feeling confused about the contact that will be needed with the birth family.

My DH and I are booked on an information meeting on 28th January where I presume we will know more but at the moment I feel (well I dont know how I feel really) its just that I want to adopt and that baby/small child to be mine - I feel that I dont want to have contact with the birth family.

Dont get me wrong I know that the child will need telling they are adopted, but gradually whilst they are growing up. I know some day will come that they might want to know their birth parents but whilst they are young I want to feel like I am their one and only parent and that they are very special and that I have chosen them.

I have always thought that when you give a child up for adoption you are in a position where you cannot bring that child up yourself, be it that you are a young teenager or its to do with your circumstances. I feel that contact only rubs salt into the adopive parents wounds reminding them that they are not really parents but merely bringing someone elses child up. Also I think it is a constant reminder to the birth parent that they have given their child away.

I feel completely mixed up at the moment. I desperately want a child/children but I know I wont be able to deal with contact with birth parents.

Can someone let me know what feelings they went through prior to adopting and whether once I have been to this meeting everything will seem more understanding.

:scared:
Miracle1

bigkiss

Me (41) DH (39) (male factor)
TTC - 10 yrs, conceived naturally in 2002, M/C @ 6 wks :tears:
Enquired about adoption - but not for us
:angel2: for a natural miracle one day xfingers

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  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

Location: Oxford

Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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14

Monday, November 17th 2008, 8:59pm

Hi Sarah,

It was nice to hear that I am not the only one trying to make this decision at the moment! Its just knowing where to draw the line on treatment so that you can both retain your sanity!

We are not very far along in the decision making - I have sent off for an information pack and we are going to an open evening next week.
We had been ttc for about 6 years having had a late miscarriage 7 years ago. I always said that if it got to the stage where we knew IVF was the next step, we would probably adopt. But now we are at that stage it is so much harder...

I too always thought I preferred the idea of international adoption but reading some of the diaries on here I'm not so sure. Have you thought about local as well as international?

My DH also has a child from a previous relationship and I think this actually makes the decision harder because he has shared that experience with someone else - how do you find it?

Thats enough of my waffle for one night! smile2

TigerLilly
TigerLilly xmas39

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15

Monday, November 17th 2008, 9:18pm

Our stories are actually very similar TigerLilly. Andy has 2 boys from a previous marriage and so it is difficult for me knowing that we will never have that special bonding that a natural child brings to a couple. However, this adopted child will be something very special for us both for different reasons. Not sure if this sounds strange or not, but because the child will not 'belong' to either of us naturally, it puts us on an even keal. Presently andy has a strong emotional attachment to his children, which I do not have, so the relationship can sometimes be difficult. However, we have been together for 5 years now and things have become far easier for all involved.

Anyway - in answer to your question, we have considered adopting from this country but for some reason adopting from Thailand seems so right for us both. We would never pretend that the child was naturally ours so the child not looking like us, would not be an issue, we would really love a little girl (as andy has boys), so that is an advantage to us. What has put you off adopting from abroad?

Do you have to pay for your meeting next week, I was surprised to learn that ours is going to cost £200+!! We have ours on 19th Dec.

Nice to 'chat' to you
Sarah.xx
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

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16

Monday, November 17th 2008, 9:58pm

Hi Sarah,

I definiteley haven't been put off adopting from abroad its just that reading some of the diaries made me see how much longer it takes. Have you read Rufus's diary - she is adopting a girl from Thailand?
I'm also wary of the Social workers not approving - did you find this!
Are you going to an open evening specifically for international? Is this why it costs?

We are just going to an open day that was advertised because it was National Adoption Week - havent got our info pack yet so dont know the next stage.

Last year we visted orphanages when on holiday in Cambodia and their background & heritage is so different to ours it really made me think about what a change in their way of life it would be. We talked about it a lot after and we actually decided that life is too short for everyone and every child deserves a family and it doesnt matter if that family is from a different country or background.

I'm still very undecided on all of it at the moment and I think a few information evenings might help!

Your new journey sounds really exciiting - keep me posted!
TigerLilly xmas39

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17

Tuesday, November 18th 2008, 7:42pm

Yea, we understand that it take ages! and I have read, with much interest, Rufus' diary.

The meeting is solely for international adoption, I am really looking forward to it. Would love to know how you get on next week Tigerlilly.
Love Sarah.xx
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

Location: Oxford

Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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18

Friday, November 21st 2008, 8:38pm

Hiya Sarah,

Went to an information evening yesterday which seemed quite positive.
One thing that came up was asking for references form previous partners! Do you know anything about this?

We still cant' decide whether to proceed with IVF though, how are you feeling about it at the moment?

Did you have funding for your IVF? We wouldnt get it at the moment but that might be changing next year.
TigerLilly xmas39

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

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Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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19

Friday, November 21st 2008, 8:46pm

Hi Miracle1,

I went to a casual information evening yesterday and I talked to them about the contact required with the birth family. They said that most had letter contact which involved one letter to the child and one from the new parents to the birth parents and both letters went through social services.

I read some of the replies above and it really made me think that you cannot avoid the fact the child is adopted so its about doing whats best for the child so that they know their identity and don't have any shocks when they're older.

I think you discuss how much contact you would be comftable with at the sessions.

Its really hard isn't it - trying to decide what to do?!

Good Luck at the session in Jan!
TigerLilly xmas39

Rufus

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Tuesday, November 25th 2008, 1:51pm

Hi there, sorry I hadn't seen this sooner or I would've replied.

I do think of this a lot. I feel we will always owe the borth family so much adn I don't thnk I will ever think of them without both sadness in their and our daugther's loss, and joy - in what we've gained. I intend to research as much as I can both on this visit and any subsequent ones, to find some links to 'her' past. It is part of all adopted children and definitely needs to be acknowledged. I ready Nicky Campbell's book 'Blue-Eyed Son' and it might help you to read it, also 'Twenty things adoptive kids wish their parents knew' (can't remember who is author, sorry) and they both answer some of these questions from the adoptees perspective. I think it is something that we can never gloss over, neither can we obsess on. i do not have all the answers, but I aim to be truthful and upfront. We will fro example rejoice in adoption as a good thing - another way of 'growing' a child - not in your tummy, but your heart. I do believe our loss and their loss will be helpful in growing together as a family, but I am not niave enough to think that love and acknowledgement will be enough. However, I cannt wait for the day when i get the call from thialand and then i cannot wait to hold my daughter. Whosoever she belonged to before, she will be mine form that moment on. I just can't wait.

Hope that makes sense and isn't just an emotional ramble. Contact me if any further questions, love lesa xx
Keep smiling :happy:

Miracle1

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21

Tuesday, November 25th 2008, 4:47pm

Hi Tigerlilly,

Thanks for your response to my earlier post.

I am very confused at the moment, read loads of literature and looked on the Adoption UK website to see other adoptors posts and I just cannot get my head around the contact with the birth family.

I understand totally that the baby/child will need to know that they have been adopted and I think this should be a slow process throughout their lives but I cannot see what good will be done to confuse the child. If everything was OK the child wouldnt be up for adoption, either the birth mother is a teenager or the child has been neglected / abused. How can it be justified that you have to let an abuser know what is happening with that child which they obviously didnt love if they abused it.

Also from the birth family's point of view surely its a constant reminder whenever you see a child (the age of the child you have had to give away) is bad enough never mind having your nose rubbed in every time you receive a letter that someone else is bringing up your own child because you cannot.

Like I say above I dont know what I think at the moment but I thought once a child is adopted they are your own child - its heart renching that you cannot forget that they are adopted (for a short time at least). It seems to me that adoption is becoming far more like fostering where the birth parents know how the child is progressing.

Sorry for going on but my mind will probably be sorted (well a bit anyway) when we have gone to our information meeting in January.
Miracle1

bigkiss

Me (41) DH (39) (male factor)
TTC - 10 yrs, conceived naturally in 2002, M/C @ 6 wks :tears:
Enquired about adoption - but not for us
:angel2: for a natural miracle one day xfingers

[zx022]

  • "philippa_s" is no longer a member of FZ

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Tuesday, November 25th 2008, 4:50pm

Hi

Sorry to add to the debate again but just something else for you to think about.

My birth mum used to send presents via the adoption agency on my birthdays/ christmas etc. My adoptive mum couldn't deal with this, as like someone said earlier it reminded her I was not hers etc. and she couldn't deal with it, and asked the adoption agency to stop sending stuff whcih they did. When I found out this had happened in my difficult teenage years I really resented my mum for not allowing this, to me, tiny bit of contact as I felt it was something I really needed.

Can I also add, that I have always known from a very early age I was adopted, in fact can't even remember when I was told. It was just a case of that's the way it is, but I have never seen my adoptive parents as anything other than my real, proper, parents, despite all the s*** that has happened over the years and the fact I knew I was adopted.

Hope this helps in some little way

P x
2 gorgeous girls and 1 on the way

Miracle1

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23

Tuesday, November 25th 2008, 4:58pm

Hi Phillipa,

Its nice to hear your side of the story.

A close member of my family gave a child up for adoption. The reason being she was only 14 at the time. I know from experience what she has gone through every year when its the anniversary of the baby's birthday. She has never got over it to this day and she is 43 now and the child will be 28.

If this member of my family had any contact I dont know what it would have done to her. The baby was taken from her as soon as it was born and she never saw it.

I know what a wonderful thing adoption is and I know the child needs to know. All I can say is the child that this member of my family gave away has never made contact and all I can say this baby must have had a good life (like what was wanted for it).

I can see both sides of the coin thats why I cannot get my mind around contact.
Miracle1

bigkiss

Me (41) DH (39) (male factor)
TTC - 10 yrs, conceived naturally in 2002, M/C @ 6 wks :tears:
Enquired about adoption - but not for us
:angel2: for a natural miracle one day xfingers

[zx022]

Marlene

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Tuesday, November 25th 2008, 6:45pm

We are just about to do another homestudy meeting and the subject is the very subject we aretalking about " contact".

I have to say the more I read and the personal experiences from Phillipa and a friend of mine at work , it is so very important to not close the door on the childs past should a form of contact be beneficial. I am terrified that if we choose to have face to face contact that my child will never really attach to me as her forever mummy..... having said that ,I Know the contact is all dependant on the situation and what has been agreed and discussed prior to placement. I have to believe in myself and knowthat I will be a fab mummy and even if contact does take place it may lead to a more stable and securer child... ( maybe)


It is such a hard subject to feel comfortable with and me & DH differ slightly but I think thats down to my own confidence and self esteem aswell..

Miracle , your familys situation must have been and probably still is very difficult, but maybe one day that child( grown up) will trace their birth mother, maybe back that long ago it was noty something that was recommended like it is now . Thank you for sharing the story...

xx


Beautiful Daughter and gorgeous Son through adoption, my family now complete , 2009 started our journey and complete Oct 2012 ....

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25

Tuesday, November 25th 2008, 8:28pm

HI Tigerlilly,

How did the meet go - have you made any definate plans yet?

Hope all is well with you.xx
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.

Elle

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26

Monday, December 1st 2008, 9:40pm

Hi, sorry just wanted to add to this thread. When DH and I approached the contact issue in adoption we were very worried, now that we have our little boy, the contact arrangement is via letterbox, which means one letter a year which gets sent to social services, its up to the birth parents to pick up the letters. My DH wories about our son being curious enough to find his biological parents, however i think if i was in his position, i would be curious to meet them....that's the kind of person i am. I have photo's of his parents and the little information i have about them i have kept for him for when he his older. If he ever wants to meet them, then me and my DH will be fully supportive and there for him, i think if we are supportive and truthful, then he will respect us more and nothing will ever change the fact that although we didn't give birth to him, we are his real parents.

I have found it really interesting reading this thread, especially reading phillipa's point of view, i would never want my little boy to resent me, so will be as supportive as i can. I will definitely look for that book you mentioned.
Elle

Me: 27 (Kallmans Syndrome)
DH: 31
3xIUI all abandoned
2 x IVF :BFN:
Completed adoption journey, Our little boy moved in with us feb 2008 aged 6 months old


  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

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Location: Oxford

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27

Sunday, December 7th 2008, 9:20pm

Hi Sarah,

Sorry about the delay in responding - hectic few weeks!
The introduction evening went really well.

I think we have almost decided to wait until February when we will find out if our local PCT change their policy and let us have IVF on the NHS. There is currently no funding for me because I'm under 35 and DH has a child.

I'm really excited about adoption but I think I would regret it if I didnt have at least one try of IVF.

How are you feeling?
Not long until your meeting - I look forward to hearing about the ins and outs of adopting abroad.

Take care,
TigerLilly xmas39

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Reg: Sep 2nd 2008

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Children: Andy has 2 children from a previous marriage

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28

Saturday, December 13th 2008, 6:09pm

Hi TigerLilly,

Good to hear the info evening went well. Unfortunately, my meeting has been cancelled due to lack of response, it is very near Christmas, so I suppose this puts people off. Not all bad though, we are booked on the 9th Jan meet, so thats something to look forward to.

I think you are doing the right thing in taking some time to ensure you are making the right decision for you. We have had 3 unsuccessful attempts at IVF and the thought of going through that disappointment again just fills me with dread. We have thought so hard about this decision and are almost certain that we are doing the right thing. I hope to have this confirmed when we go to the information meeting.

Wishing you a meery Christmas and lets hope 2009 brings us both great things!!

Love Sarah.xx
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.

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29

Saturday, December 13th 2008, 6:31pm

our contact is through letterbox (although as yet i get nothing back, other than a half sibling who has kids of her own) but her contact has been invaluable as it is in the form of lots of family photos that i can add to her life story album and in time explain to her. as it goes, she does not know of half siblings (too young to understand) just about the birth mum thing- at four i don't even think birth dad has come into her head yet!

our friends have two siblings who are from a large family of siblings placed in two or three families and they have bi annual contact (not with birth parents). it is difficult in that one sibling is a baby they never lived with or met, so it doesn't really make sense to them yet, but in time maybe it will.

I write quite detailed, sympathetic annual contact letters which have been used as an example by the Local authority on their first time adopters courses now, (anonymised), and would love to hear back, to see how they feel and get some reassurance they are pleased "our" girl is doing so well.

regular, face to face contact with birth parents is rare especially if the children are very young. another couple i am friends with (who got a 7 month old relinquished baby) met the birth mum several times before placement then had an agreed contact one year after placement. there were social workers present and the little one was not told it was her birth mum at that time, and the meeting went amazingly well with everyone coming away happy and reassured. it is now in my friend's hands if this happens again. it is much more common for face to face contact where siblings have been split up.

I hope my waffle helps in some way
x
adoption...after a typically long journey, approved November 05, linked with strawb December 05, Brought our princess home May 06, aged 21 months

single mum since dec 08, and very grateful for the FZ support through the whole lot xx



** CLICK TO SUPPORT FZ **


  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

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30

Tuesday, December 30th 2008, 8:51pm

Thanks Elle and Vegemite for info - it's been really interesting.
TigerLilly xmas39

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

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31

Tuesday, December 30th 2008, 8:56pm

Hi Sarah,

Hope you had a good Christmas?
I found it quite tricky really - think I might go on holiday next year!

Not long until your meeting now - I'm really interested to have some feedback about adopting abroad.

I'm just waiting until Feb now to see if we get funding but to be honest I am a bit dissapointed we are not proceeding with adoption now as I just want to get on with something!

I think that if my husband didn't already have a daughter with someone else I probably would be less likely to want IVF. Does that sound a bit mad? It would put us more on an even keel.

All the best for your meeting - keep me posted!
TigerLilly xmas39

Posts: 189

Reg: Sep 2nd 2008

Location: essex

Children: Andy has 2 children from a previous marriage

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32

Tuesday, December 30th 2008, 9:57pm

Hi TigerLilly,
Had a lovely Christmas thanks. Spent at home in Wales with family.

I know what you mean about doing 'something'. This journey relies so much on WAITING! It starts to drive you mad - that's when these sites really help.

We are attending the info meeting on Jan 9th, so not long to wait now. However, tonight we have talked for some time about our feelings and what path we believe is best for us. The result is we are not sure....we know adoption is the right path, but not sure whether intercountry adoption or adopting a child from this country is best. There are obviously pros and cons to both. I wish this was easier and someone would just decide for me - thinking is so hard sometimes, it's all I seem to do - that and WAITING!

Any-way moan over (sorry). I will, of course, let you the outcome of the meeting.
Happy new year
Love Sarah.xx
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

Location: Oxford

Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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33

Friday, January 2nd 2009, 9:18pm

Hi Sarah,

It's a really hard decision to make - international or local.
We have kind of decided that we will apply for local but I think that is only because of the time issue.Where ever the child is from I'm sure you will make their life so much bettery - its jst really tough making the decisions isn't it?

How are you both feeling about it generally?

Good luck on Friday!
TigerLilly xmas39

Posts: 189

Reg: Sep 2nd 2008

Location: essex

Children: Andy has 2 children from a previous marriage

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34

Friday, January 2nd 2009, 9:58pm

Dear Tigerlilly,

Generally, was feeling really good until yesterday, when I had a really bad day. All the info I read on the net said, if you are wanting a young healthy child, don't come to us. I know that lots of couples adopt babies and toddlers and I don't want to be portrayed as a spoiled brat for asking for what we want. Am I being selfish for wanting a healthy baby/toddler?

Have made contact with Essex social services and we are attending their info evening on 13th Jan.

How are things with you - any developments on the ivf v adoption?

Sarah.xx
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

Location: Oxford

Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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35

Friday, January 2nd 2009, 11:43pm

Hi Sarah,

Sorry to hear you have been feeling low.

I don't think you are being selfish to want a young child. We all know what we can and can't cope with and too be honest I would find it difficult to cope with a child of school age straight away. Before reading some of the dairies I thought it was impossible to adopt a young child but it does seem possible you will get a really little one. Also, this is about you and DH at the moment and you must do what is right for you and not what you think you ought to do. They will have had problems but I assume that the meetings and discussions will help you decide whether you can deal with this. You will be able to offer so much to a child that would of had a really s**t time but I guess the hurdles may be slightly different?!

We have decided to wait until Feb to see if our local PCT will offer us one IVF on the NHS. We could probably find the money for private treatment at a push but have set this as the restriction because otherwise I'm not sure where to draw the line. I'm still quite confused really, I think my heart is with adoption because of other reasons but the other part of me wants to share a biological baby with DH. I think this is partly to do with worrying about what his family will think and the fact he has a child with someone else. I know that he wants to try IVF first as well so I guess we should give it a go.

Does this mean you have 1 meeting this week and 1 next week?
I hope these help clarify things for you both.

Hope I haven't rambled on too much (thats a couple of glasses of wine for you!)

Good luck with your meetings!
xxx
TigerLilly xmas39

Posts: 189

Reg: Sep 2nd 2008

Location: essex

Children: Andy has 2 children from a previous marriage

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36

Saturday, January 3rd 2009, 4:46pm

Thanks TigerLilly,

Feeling back to normal today. Paper work form Essex arrived today, so after reading that I am back on track, I know that it unlikely that will we get a baby we so want, but I am confident that the match will be agreed by both parties and will be perfect for us.

We have decided against going to the meeting at the intercountry adoption agency, mainly because it seems such a complex way of achieving what we want. We have not totally ruled it out, but want to fully explore UK adoption first.

As for you...I know this sounds obvious, but you need to do what feels right for you and DH, not anyone else. I think you are right to try IVF though. I needed to know that we had given it a fair attempt before deciding upon adoption, you don't want to have those 'what if's' hanging over your head.

Enjoy your sat night,

Love
Sarah.xx
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.

  • "Tigerlilly" started this thread

Posts: 118

Reg: Oct 26th 2008

Location: Oxford

Children: 1 beautiful girl from 1st IVF attempt

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37

Monday, January 12th 2009, 7:18pm

Good Luck tomorrow Sarah & DH!
TigerLilly xmas39

Posts: 189

Reg: Sep 2nd 2008

Location: essex

Children: Andy has 2 children from a previous marriage

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38

Monday, January 12th 2009, 8:53pm

thank you.xxxx
I'm Sarah (32), married to Andy (39) for 3 years. Andy had a vasectomy before we met, after a failed reversal op, we have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles, another reversal op - OMG it worked - now trying naturally.




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