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Ethel

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 11:03am

Adoption - a quitter - certainly not

Just really need to get this off my chest from things I have read over the years here (nothing personal against anyone) and also from comments a couple of non-FZ people have said to me over the last few weeks.

Someone at work asked me yesterday when I decided to "give up" and not have treatment and go for adoption - this has probably what has set me off. I am quite cross thinking of this now, how dare they question this avenue and think a birth child is the be all and end all.

All I wanted to say is Adoption is not giving up, its a different way of having a family and the need to be a much wanted mom, this is something I personally have always wanted to do. It gives happiness to a child out there that wants love. It does not mean that the person is not brave, not a fighter or is weak for giving up on treatment or not having treatment, suffereed losses and feels cannot go on anymore. IT IS NOT SECOND BEST. Its just a different special way. Yes I do know a lot of people have tried treatment before they went to adoption and I do know adoption is not for everyone

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest and good luck to everyone on what journey they decide to do :D


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Friday, February 29th 2008, 11:06am

clap clap clap

Eeyore

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 11:10am

You are absolutely right Ethel. We are lucky here as members as we have a wealth of knowledge of the journey so many of our friends have taken, I think sometimes people say comments we see as heartless purely because they aren't aware of the same facts we are and are in fact a little ignorant to the whole fertility issue.

I read this a while ago and it really stuck with me..

"From the adoptive parent's perspective, whether adoption is a first choice or not can be a reflection of the journey it took them to consider adoption and their own ideological values. If the choice for adoption came about because of infertility issues, the adoptive couple may have tried many other avenues to resolve their infertility issue before settling on adoption. This is not a bad thing as the effects on self-esteem and the death of personal dreams for a genetic child of their own need to be addressed before adopting a child should be considered. In this case, second choice may be the best choice for all involved as it allows the infertile couple the time they need to mourn their own losses before considering opening their hearts to a new vision of family"


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Friday, February 29th 2008, 11:11am

HERE HERE ....................... WELL SAID..........................


clap high5 :thumbsup2:

Gayle
xxx

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 11:12am

I think adoption is the most amazing thing to do and if takes a great deal of love. You ladies and gents are wonderul special human beings who are creating a wonderful life for a child that otherwise may not have received this. In no way should anone ever refer to it as being a second best option. A life is a life and a family is a family no matter how you strive to achieve it. Big hugs to everyone going through this I truly admire you and will be very excited to hear about your new arrivals and your wonderful new families. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lcli

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 11:33am

One thing we must all do is follow our own hearts for it is our life and our love.

Adoption is should a selfless thing to do and I have respect for anyone who has to "make the decision" to quit TXing. Life is hard but also very short too and there is nothing more fulfilling that sharing a bit of love....no matter how we do it.

Good on ya girl!!!! :P

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 11:44am

you are so right adoption is going to bring so much love to the child that would not have had any before

TTC#1 4y
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Friday, February 29th 2008, 11:47am

I think anyone who's read your diaries over the years knows that you, and several others on here, are 100% utterly ready and right to adopt for 'all' the right reasons. There isn't a shadow of doubt that this was a path marked out for you in your heart long ago, even before your treatment had come to an end you were excited about the prospect of adopting.

The act of ignoring your own longing for a biological child to give a proper family to a child already born is the most selfless thing I can think of and not something that I would class as second rate or second best. The strength of character needed to go through adoption proves that you're certainly not a quitter!!





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Friday, February 29th 2008, 12:17pm

You are so right hun. xx
Mum of 3 year old twins.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get!!



Missy

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 12:26pm

You know I have a great admiration and respect for anyone who decides to take this route of parenthood.

I truly could not cope with the amount of paperwork, formalities and legalities that come with adoption and fostering, the way that your whole life comes under scrutiny. But do you know what I would find the most rewarding out of the whole process? Not just the fact that you are going to bring a child home, but the very fact that a whole panel of people have said to you " do you know what? You are going to make fantastic parents!We trust you implicitly to raise this child" That is the biggest compliment I think anyone could have! :happy:








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Friday, February 29th 2008, 12:45pm

Ethel, ditto ditto ditto to what everyone has said.

It takes a hugely special person to adopt, and to be allowed to adopt. It is the best choice, not a second choice or second best. It is a wonderfully generous way to have the family you dream of. The love and strength that you have to offer your little boy shines through all your posts.

I am, and always have been, in awe of you and the other ladies on here who choose to adopt. If I can have half the strength and courage and committment that you have shown then I'll be a happy lady!!

xx


ttc since July 06. 8 cycles of clomid. BFP on cycle 5 (Dec 07) ended in m/c at 9.5 weeks. Second BFP on cycle 8 (May 08)



This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "bubble" (Feb 29th 2008, 12:56pm)


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Friday, February 29th 2008, 12:54pm

I absolutely agree Ethel. Anyone who thinks adoption is an easy route to parenting and a cop out needs to read the diaries on here.





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Friday, February 29th 2008, 1:00pm

God on you girl- Reading the many adoption diaries on here has made me aware of what a fight it is to give a lovely home to an adoptive child- It certainly is Not second best on an easy option. thank you for raising this - I am in awe of how much determination and fight it takes to get through the process.
xx





roo

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 1:02pm

hi, well people can be so god damn rude cant they. good luck with the adoption process. i think that unless you've been thru this whirly gig of ivf no one can really appreciate or understand the decisions we make. i wish you every happiness x :goodnews:
Roo 34 - dh 40 [zx127]
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1st cycle ivf may 07 8 eggs - none fertilised
2nd cycle icsi 08 6 eggs - 1 fertilised. et 15 feb 08. af 26 feb during 2ww

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 1:09pm

I think people choose to try and have a biological child or go down the adoption route for a variety of reasons that are specific to them and/or their partner - its an individual thing.

My DH and I have discussed adoption and agreed it was something we would be proud to do. However, I agree with Missy - its a challenging path to take. And we decided to try for biological children before turning to adoption as we felt that this was in fact an 'easier to handle' option for us - personal opinion based on a lot of soul searching.

Doesn't mean adoption is off our agenda just that we are aware of how difficult the process can be (my sister is a social worker in children & families services so we've had long talks with her too!). So how anyone can say its an EASIER choice is beyond me.

We all strive for our families in our way. And then of course the hard work begins when we get them - no matter how they arrived with us!

x






My family is complete...I am grateful every day

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 1:15pm

Go Ethel GO
No child is second best (duh the doofus that think it) - you will not only be coming parents, but YOU are also HELPING a child to live a life they deserve (a happy and loved one) That is special not Second best.

x x
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Friday, February 29th 2008, 1:50pm

well said hunni
TTC 12 years

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Tyler May born 5/5/2010 by emergency c section. Tyler is our sunshine

Ethel

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 2:00pm

Thanks for all the responses girls , I never expected all of these.

I have not really ignored my yearning for a biological child just generally yearned the love a child and to be a mom, biologically or not, perhaps not having a biological child of my own I dont understand that biologocal yearning if you know what I mean. I just wanted to be a mommy.

I was watching Jemery Kyle today (cant you tell i am not used to day time tv - soon get bored of it) and there was some right chavs on there just popping out kids for the sake of being like their friends etc and like it is a trophy. Just because you have given the birth to the child does not make you the perfect mom if you know what I mean. Got me so mad because there are so many lovely ladies on here that wants a child

It is a long process and you do have a lot of waiting and intrusion in your life and can be frustrating but hopefully will be rewarding.

I feel better now for letting it all out


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Friday, February 29th 2008, 2:05pm

Well said Ethel...Am in agreement with all that has been said.

x
me 38 DH 45 - unexplained infertility and ttc for 4 years ,Mar 07 -Missed m/c
4 attempts at Clomid - BFN (Jun , Jul, Aug, and Nov 07)

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Friday, February 29th 2008, 2:07pm

clap Well said hun!


Me 30, DF 36
Ella-Louise and Ayden were born 24th December 2008 (11 weeks early) - Our family is now complete ... So we thought! A new bundle is on it's way! EDD 27th August 2012!


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Friday, February 29th 2008, 5:01pm

Well said Ladies, agree whole heartedly xxx



<

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Sunday, March 2nd 2008, 4:55pm

Well ya know I am with you on that!!!!!

For us adoption was not an 'if' thing, but a when. It came to us sooner than we had 'planned', but we are delighted to be on this path and loving the fact that our daughter will be just as wanted as our birth son. Maybe that sounds niave, mbut the hope I have in mu heart now is just the same as my hope to be pregnant.

Ethel - hope you don't mind me adding my 2ps worth!!! Lol xoxox
Keep smiling :happy:

Ethel

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Sunday, March 2nd 2008, 6:48pm

Of course not lovely lady - i agree with you


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Monday, March 3rd 2008, 9:15pm

well said ladies xxx


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Tuesday, March 4th 2008, 9:12am

yeh, big hugs to you girl. I bet that stupid person at work was just jealuous becuase you are off on leave and have been a brilliantly tough cookie going through the process, and sometimes people can be a bit bitter. it sounds like that person was based on what they have said. It was, quite literally, a mean thing to say!

There's no way I could love or want a child more than I do my own daughter. If anyone suggested to me she was second best, I cannot imagine what I would do or say to them. You are right ethel, giving birth does not necessarily make you a decent parent. Most people are, and they are amazing, and love their kids to bits, but there are so many ways to be a family and to love and be loved. Our way is perhaps a bit more complicated, but I feel priveliged to have adopted. I have met some amazing people, some very good friends, have learned a lot about myself and about life and different people's journeys. I have become more empathetic to the reasons why some people find themselves unable to parent and have their children taken from them, and most of all, I have the most wonderful gift in an amazing, spirited, handful but utterly scrumptious little girl who has transformed our lives.

I don't think every day about the adoption, I recognise and value her past, and sometimes it comes up, but not often- we are too busy leading our life being a happy, normal, mum dad and daughter. no one notices, or comments, nothing is different in our day to day lives, or our feelings. we are not superior to anyone else for the way we became parents, but similarly no one is superiour to us. we are, just, a family who love each other dearly. We are ingrained in each others lives and we depend on each other for support, love, happiness, health, laughs, learning (we ALL learn from each other!).

sorry. waffle over!
adoption...after a typically long journey, approved November 05, linked with strawb December 05, Brought our princess home May 06, aged 21 months

single mum since dec 08, and very grateful for the FZ support through the whole lot xx



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Ethel

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Tuesday, March 4th 2008, 11:11am

blowkiss


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Tuesday, March 4th 2008, 11:19am

Vegemite

Lovely words!!!!!!!!!!!!! blowkiss

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Tuesday, March 4th 2008, 4:36pm

you go girl! my dh and i decided we would go down the adoption route after 3 failed courses of ivf treatment. It was such a hard decision to make and we hope the right one. We posted all our forms away 2 weeks ago and recieved our disclosures today. We both get our medicals this week and go on a prep week at the end of march. Its all go for us now. Will keep everyone up to date on how things are moving along.

Ethel

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Tuesday, March 4th 2008, 5:11pm

Ohh thats so exciting -


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Tuesday, March 4th 2008, 5:16pm

Ethel
I know this isnt your diary, but its a great thread that truely shows the reward for a long journey
All the very best for tomorrow hun, the start of something very very special blowkiss

Gayle
xxxx

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "gayle1803" (Mar 4th 2008, 5:17pm)





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