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Alexp

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Posts: 23

Reg: Sep 21st 2007

Location: Nottinghamshire

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Monday, October 29th 2007, 11:13pm

Cant do anything right

Just need to tell someone before I crack up :bawl:

Nothings going right.

I wanted to be pregnant this month and Im not- but if I was it would probably die.
At 43 the clocks ticking faster and my husband does not seem to want a baby now
The doctors have said they can do more to help me if I get pregnant- why the blooming hell didnt they do it before then. Perhaps I would have had a baby by now if they had listened in he first place.

Im crap at my job, Im an hairdresser, my family and friends only come to me for colours as Im cheaper than the salons- not good enough for regular cuts though it seems. but Ive started to think its a bit of a cheek to use me for what I am good at. But how do I tell them to not bother and have it all done at the salon. Makes me feel useless. Im not a strong enough person to open my mouth and tell people what I really think.

My 17 yr old neice bought her friend round after I lost my baby , she said her friend was depressed and needed someone to look after the baby. She had been thrown out of her dads and had nothing. So what did I do- bought her a pushchair to help her. I havent seen her since. My neice ignores my texts of offering to babysit- do you think she played on my emotional state ? Oh she did text asking me to cut her hair though.

Yes I have been depressed but Im not a child murderer. Thats the problem why Im depressed - I desperately want a baby.

I want to run away, pack my job in and at times have wanted to drive straight at the nearest oncoming lorry- Why do I have to be so weak
When I do get the courage to open my mouth , I get accused of being sensitive.
Im scared of the reaction I will get. God I wished I had the strength of character to speak out and tell these people what I really think of them.

Im the one with the clowns mask on though

Im so fed up- I hate myself for being useless- cant get nothing right
A A PArsons

    United Kingdom

Posts: 15,284

Reg: Sep 24th 2006

Location: Up to my armpits in ironing

Children: Three gorgeous daughters!

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Monday, October 29th 2007, 11:47pm

First of all, huge hugs to you hun.

You are not useless and you are not weak. Losing a baby is devastating, this TTC journey is heartbreaking. You do sound so low, so I want you to phone your GP first thing in the morning and make an appointment.

blowkiss


Angel baby April 07, Angel baby December 07, DD1 August 09, DD2 March 11, DD3 October 13

Alexp

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Reg: Sep 21st 2007

Location: Nottinghamshire

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Tuesday, October 30th 2007, 12:00am

Hi Polly Pocket

Glad to see Im not the only one still not in bed

I cant do that- I want to foster and as soon as they see I may be depressed they will not let me.

I have hosted children from Chernobyl and at no time have let them see how I am feeling. In fact one was with me at my scan when they told me the baby had died. I was heart broken and had to explain in Russian what had happened. I think she had guessed though. I waited to show my grief until 3 weeks after she left. By then everyone thought I was ok and that it was all over and done with.

I just get off days that I feel this way. It builds up and I feel so low.

Im more angry with myself for not being stronger

My friend text today to say she felt low lately- how does she think I feel Ive lost two babies this year,but people forget about those things that dont seem important.

Losing one is as bad as losing 5

I want to put this poem in as it helps me and may help others

Today I stumled and once again
Was lifted up by an unseen hand
What comfort and joy that knowledge brings
For I hear the whisper of angels wings

The guardian angel God sends to all
To bear us up when we stumble and fall
Trust him my friend, and often you'll hear
The whisper of angels wings hovering near
A A PArsons

This post has been edited 2 times, last edit by "Alexp" (Oct 30th 2007, 12:13am)


Chilli

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Tuesday, October 30th 2007, 8:16am

Alex i am so sorry you are feeling so terribly low it is perfectly understandable given the circumstances.

My personal opinion is you MUST go to see your GP or maybe call samaritans? it seems to me you need to talk to somebody about how you are feeling and you need professional advise and how to deal with it.

i hope everything works out for the best xx

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Reg: Sep 27th 2005

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Tuesday, October 30th 2007, 4:08pm

Alex, I'm sorry too for all the heartbreaks you've had to endure. I know too what it's like not to have time on your side.

I agree with Polly and Chilli - please go and see somebody about your depression. If you won't see your GP (although they would be the best ones to treat you), then at least call a confidential phoneline like the Samaritans who can talk you through this better than any of us can.

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Wednesday, October 31st 2007, 3:22pm

Hey Alex

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I know I don't know you but I am sure you are not useless. Have you considered going to the doctor to see if you could maybe be referred for some counselling. I am not saying you are mad or anything, it is just that I have been very very low the past year, and what helped me the most was talking to a counsellor. She opened my eyes and my heart and head to so much and I actually felt much much better afterwards like someone had lifted the world from my shoulders.

We are all here for you, don't keep it all bottled up, well done for opening up on here, its a start please help yourself hun :hugs:



Posts: 2,235

Reg: Feb 11th 2007

Location: Cornwall

Children: My children are wonderful!

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Wednesday, October 31st 2007, 3:37pm

I echo what the others have said, Alex. I have counselling - at the moment I'm down to a group session everyother month but the door to more regular one-to-ones is still open to me. I get this through my doctor's surgery and on the NHS. Talking to somebody about regaining direction in your life, developing greater self-confidence, well these are things many people would benefit from - celebrities often use 'life-coaches' so talking to someone is not a sign of weakness but of strength, it is a sign that you see the life you have now could be better and want help to get there. I am getting on a bit too and looking ahead I see that moment coming when ttc will be no longer possible, this is scaring the pants of me but knowing in advance that this time will come helps me to kindof plan for it, to be ready for it in some small way.

Hope you don't mind me waffling.


Me 39, DH 40 Children, Lucy and DS (7)
Lucy lost in car accident 8th April 2002
TTC 6 years - ICSI x 4 - :BFN: x 4







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Alexp

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  • "Alexp" is no longer a member of FZ
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Posts: 23

Reg: Sep 21st 2007

Location: Nottinghamshire

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Friday, November 2nd 2007, 2:02pm

Hi Everyone

Feeling loads better now

I havent been to doctors-sorry but I do feel better in myself Thanks to all your kind words and advise. The thought of taking tablets to control it bothers me. If I can cope by talking to you girls that helps alot.

I go to the gym nearly every day and that helps ( my body getting back to normal)

I did have conversation with DH he has said we could try again for one month ( what does he think I am a robot) It shocked me slightly as I have always done this for him , so he can have a child. I asked why 1 month as I would be lucky to conceive that quickly- he is worried about how I will be mentally TTC. I think he really means demanding - especially as he has said 1 month

Well girls if Im not posting on the forum you know I will be busy elsewhere :D

Alex
A A PArsons

Posts: 2,235

Reg: Feb 11th 2007

Location: Cornwall

Children: My children are wonderful!

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Friday, November 2nd 2007, 2:55pm

Glad to hear you are feeling better, Alex.


Me 39, DH 40 Children, Lucy and DS (7)
Lucy lost in car accident 8th April 2002
TTC 6 years - ICSI x 4 - :BFN: x 4







Spider's Diary





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