I'm terrified!!!!!

vickylou82

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Posts: 428

Reg: Apr 2nd 2010

Location: manchester

Children: hoping for children one day x

1

Friday, September 24th 2010, 11:35pm

Hi everyone, just thought i'd try and vent off some of these feelings :scared:

This is my one and only fresh cycle of ivf icsi (nhs funded) for the near future anyway as it will take us a long time to save for this treatment private and after all this waiting i'm starting to be negative.
Me and my husband have been ttc for over 7 years now, partner has very low sperm count(15 total found in last sa) but there are no known problems with me so far, I had my baseline bloods done on my birthday 19th august and husband had his sa done 2nd september. We received a letter for our first consultation for 12th october. This should be when they give us results from our tests and sign consent forms and discuss treatments.
I'm having my treatment at saint marys, when do you think i will start treatment??
Recently my younger sister got pregnant, and my best friend, 2 friends have just had babies and now 2 other girls have got pregnant at work, and every single one of them come to me about concerns, or to talk about it. I don't mind so much as a couple of them i gave advice on how to improve their chances, or explained tests and when they've worried about bleeding i've reassured them ect: what worries me now is if this doesn't work i'm going to start off this year heartbroken and i'll be surrounded by babies and their mothers asking me questions and showing me everthing they do or all their proudest moments. I know thats horrible and i'm being very selfish afterall i wouldn't wish infertillity on anyone but i just feel like it's my only chance and it's scary, i've not even started yet and already i feel down :sniff:

what is wrong with me???????????
thanks for letting me vent :thanx:

MY DIARY

There's only one thing more painful than having a baby!................ Not being able to have a baby xxxx

ME-28 DH-34
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katiebee

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Posts: 178

Reg: Aug 27th 2009

Location: UK

2

Saturday, September 25th 2010, 10:21am

Hi Vickylou,

I think it is totally normal to feel down and scared about it all- we so desperately want it to work. And it is so diffcult when everyone around us seems to be pregant/ having babies so easily!
Like you , we have male factor infertility and have just started our one and only ICSI - although we were funded some IUIs which were unsuccessful. We haven't got the money saved for another go.. not sure how we would get it togther so hoping this will work for us.

Good luck to you two- I hope you get your miricle little one soon xxxx

Me 32, DH 32
Male factor [zx151]

4 X IUI Sept- May 2010 (incl 1 abandoned) :BFN:

ICSI Oct 10 :BFN:

ICSI March11 :BFN:

DIUI June 11 :BFN:

DIUI July 11 :BFN:

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Calypso

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Posts: 5,464

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Saturday, September 25th 2010, 10:24am

Morning vickylou!

Firstly

Secondly, you are *not* selfish, you are entirely normal. IVF is a very stressful thing to go through and it is to be expected that other people's pregnancies are going to heighten your anxiety and bring about negative feelings. If you ask any lady on here that's been through tx, they will tell you that they've experienced similar feelings. Can you talk to your sister or any of your friends about how you're feeling? You mention that they've leant on you a bit in the past, but can they offer the same back?

In the run up to IVF, it is normal to feel down as well. I remember getting very low before my last cycle. I expect you'll feel better after you've spoken to the Consultant. They should also offer some counselling, and I wonder whether it's worth phoning St Mary's up and asking about this? It might be useful to talk to an IVF counsellor prior to your treatment. They do get very booked up, so it's good to book as soon as possilbe if you can. I found this very useful, and we went along together, so it gave DH a chance for a chat too.

As for when you'll start hon, I don't know St Mary's to be honest (although I remember the building from my Manchester days!

) It may be the case that they run through all the drugs with you, do the consent forms etc at your consultation and ask you to phone in on the first day of your next period to see if you should start your regime. Be prepared for them to say No though, as they may not be able to fit you in that month, and you will be asked to phone back yet again, a month later. This link may help:

St Mary's Hospital, Manchester

Anyone who's had IVF on the NHS will tell you that there's lots of waiting - you get used to it though. But it is important to try and stay as relaxed as possible and do all you can to maximise your chances. You should eat a high protein diet, and get both of you on pre-conception vitamins. Lots of ladies on here have dabbled in accupuncture, or other relaxation therapies to help them through. I tried accupuncture, but hated the needles, so treated myself to a couple of nice massages instead.

So, there's a few things you can do hon, while you're waiting - and I would definitely try and access that counselling if you can.

As for your friends, it does take alot of energy and emotional generosity to cope, but that's why FZ is so good - we're all here and we all understand, so just come straight back here and rant all you like!

Lots of love to you and :goodluck:

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning how to dance in the rain

Jan 08 Fibroid removed. May 08 IUI - BFN :sadface:

Nov 08 IVF 7 eggs (just one fertilised :sadface:

- BFN
May 09 ICSI 1 - 7 eggs (two fertilised) BFN :sadface:

Aug 09 Another fibroid removed
Nov 09 ICSI 2 - 1 mature egg (it fertilised) BFN :sadface:

My journey is now over

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mandi

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Reg: Aug 30th 2010

Location: STEVENAGE

Children: COMING SOON

4

Saturday, September 25th 2010, 12:53pm

Hello Vickylou... :hi:

I hope you feel better soon very soon....I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart for ur posting...i was beginning to think no one ever feels this way about friends and family. DH and myself has been trying for a baby for 4years..we both 32...we had our first ivf in aug and it was the most difficult time becoz he had to travel alot for work and only managed to make it when he was really needed. my little sis had her wonderful son...my 3 best friends had babies a few months apart, all after coming off the pill for maximum 4months. i have alot of info about babies becoz i have 8 nieces and nephews and was always around in helping bring them up...so all my friends have been asking me for advice. our first cycle wasnt a sucess and i had a difficult time with that. i am right now constanly surronded by babies and pregnant women...im sometimes sad although i really am happy for them..my DH told me that he feels the same but that doesnt make us bad people, we are just human and we have feelings.
please stay positive, its amazing what positive energy can bring...its brings calmness and reduced stress which help us well along our journey. :goodluck:

mandi

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rachaelcox

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5

Saturday, September 25th 2010, 4:34pm

Hi Vickylou..

It seems to me everyone around me falls pregnant so easy, except me, it seems so unfair.
We start our ivf / icsi very soon, and im also very scared.
Wishing you all the luck in the world.
Sending you lots of babydust

Take care xxx :girl_wink:

Sorry i havent added many smileys, only seem to get a few to choose from, anybody know why. How do you get them all :?:

Rachael & Ella - Mae's Diary

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mistykins

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Saturday, September 25th 2010, 7:23pm

Hey Vickylou,it's always the way when something major going on in your life everything around you seems to relate to it. You not selfish AT ALL to feel this way hun so don't be down. I felt exactly the same as you to. We have male factor and just had our first icsi private go which failed a couple of weeks ago and everytime i turned the tele on there was an advert for babies,clearblue preg tests etc.. 3 of my friends annonced they were pregnant and my best friend was on the phone moaning about how her kids were driving her mad!!. You just wish it was you in that position i know.

I know it easier said than done,but you must try to relax a little during your cycle stress isn't good for your body normally never mind during an ivf cycle. Feel free to vent as much as you want hun if it helps. Think talking to your friends and family about the way you feel may help a little though.

Hope you feeling better soon lovely,sending lots of PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA your way blowkiss

MY DIARY

TTC SINCE JULY 2008
ME 34 ( couple of immune issues Inc low progestrone)
DP 40 LOW [zx151]

COUNT
2 x ICSI 2010/2011 = BFN's :bawl:

Icsi no.3 with immune meds nov 2011 = BFN! :bawl:

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vickylou82

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Posts: 428

Reg: Apr 2nd 2010

Location: manchester

Children: hoping for children one day x

7

Monday, September 27th 2010, 12:12am

Hi ladies, thanks fo all of your replies xx
Katiebee-
I hope you only need the one go, i'll be keeping my fingers crossed fo you xx

calypso-
just want to thankyou fo all of your great advice and info on diet and vitamins, Me and dh have been taking pregnacare conception his/hers from boots, is this ok??

mandi and rachaelcox-
thanks for you replies it's comforting to know people feel the same way, good luck to both of you x i'll be watching fo you pogress x

mistykins-
i was very sorry to learn of your failed cycle, i know i need to chill out and i'm usually really laid back and totally at one with my feelings and to be honest i am shocked by them. I've sort of accepted them now as being acceptable as long as i stay grounded and realistic but possitive.
I hope you only need this next cycle x x x

thanks girls you are great x

MY DIARY

There's only one thing more painful than having a baby!................ Not being able to have a baby xxxx

ME-28 DH-34
MFI
TTC 8 YEARS
1ST ICSI JUNE 2011- :BFN:

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Mr C

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Monday, September 27th 2010, 9:26am

Good luck on your journey Vickylou!!
Some people hit the jackpot first time round, some take longer.
I hope you are a first time jackpot winner!

Whatever happens, the one thing I'd say is "Keep talking to your partner" it really makes a difference.

Good Luck xfingers

Our Diary
ISCI 1 - Mar/Apr 2009 - :BFN:

ICSI 2 - Dec/Jan 2010 - :BFN:

ISCI 3 - Mar/Apr 2010 - :BFP:

Our twin girls were born at 38 weeks on 21st December 2010. Feeling very blessed.

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Wardie

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Monday, September 27th 2010, 10:30am

Hi Vickylou,

I TOTALLY agree with the other ladies you are NOT selfish at all.

I am about to start my first treatment of IVF in Oct/Nov after being told we have unexplained infertility, which was difficult enough to deal with.

I know of 8 babies so far this year & all have fallen pregnant at a blink of an eye. Two of my best friends that I have known since I was 5 have just had their beautiul baby girls & although I am over the moon for them I am SOOOOOOOOOO jealous.

I am feeling more positive about the whole thing now & am taking each day as it comes, there is no point stressing about the unknown & the what ifs as it will not help this long process we are all going through.

I have found that this website it a great place to vent your anger & everyone here knows exactkly how you are feeling.

:goodluck:

Our new exciting journey into Adoption is well under way

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vickylou82

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Reg: Apr 2nd 2010

Location: manchester

Children: hoping for children one day x

10

Monday, September 27th 2010, 12:28pm

Thanks Mr C and Wardie,

I know what will be, will be, so i might aswell go with it, just forgot myself and had a bad week :tear:

I'm just concentrating on what i can control, like diet, vitamins, health and fitness and relaxation, at least i can say i did my best x
I'm sure i'll have bad weeks in my future regarding this whole journey but just gonna take one day at a time :box:

Mr C how amazing your having twins, well deserved after 3 cycles :clap

Wardie- we may be having treatment around the same time, hope it happens for us both first time xfingers

MY DIARY

There's only one thing more painful than having a baby!................ Not being able to have a baby xxxx

ME-28 DH-34
MFI
TTC 8 YEARS
1ST ICSI JUNE 2011- :BFN:

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Aysha

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Reg: Jul 28th 2010

Location: Manchester

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11

Monday, September 27th 2010, 12:52pm

Hi hun *waves*

Just wanted to reply as couldnt 'read and run' plus me and my dh have also recently been referred to st marys.

As the other girls have said, you certainly are not selfish!! It is totally normal and natural for how you are feeling and you shouldnt beat yourself up over feeling this way. All i can say is keep talking to your other half and being positive, there really isnt much else we can do but one things for sure, the support on these forums and esp the Manchester Girls forum is amazing

Take care,xxxx (ps feel free to pm me)

Me 26 (have beautiful dd 6 from prev relationship), my DH 29 - Male INF (count of just 1.5million at best, zero count at worst). #1 ICSI June.....

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vickylou82

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Reg: Apr 2nd 2010

Location: manchester

Children: hoping for children one day x

12

Monday, September 27th 2010, 8:14pm

Thanks Aysha,

It's great that so many people are having treatment around the same time as me, it's a comfort, we all are in the same boat and we all want the same thing,

thanks for your support everyone x

MY DIARY

There's only one thing more painful than having a baby!................ Not being able to have a baby xxxx

ME-28 DH-34
MFI
TTC 8 YEARS
1ST ICSI JUNE 2011- :BFN:

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Calypso

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Tuesday, September 28th 2010, 11:29pm

Quoted from "vickylou82"

calypso-
just want to thankyou fo all of your great advice and info on diet and vitamins, Me and dh have been taking pregnacare conception his/hers from boots, is this ok??

Yes I think that will do nicely!

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning how to dance in the rain

Jan 08 Fibroid removed. May 08 IUI - BFN :sadface:

Nov 08 IVF 7 eggs (just one fertilised :sadface:

- BFN
May 09 ICSI 1 - 7 eggs (two fertilised) BFN :sadface:

Aug 09 Another fibroid removed
Nov 09 ICSI 2 - 1 mature egg (it fertilised) BFN :sadface:

My journey is now over

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vickylou82

MEMBER

Posts: 428

Reg: Apr 2nd 2010

Location: manchester

Children: hoping for children one day x

14

Wednesday, September 29th 2010, 8:37pm

Thanks Calypso,

been very good taking them lol.
Just want to thank everyone for the reassurance, i found out today that my younger sisters best friend has accidently got pregnant, she's having a hard time deciding whether she's keeping it or not. She's more likely to opt for obortion as she has an appointment on thursday.
If this had happened last week i would of fallen apart knowing this, but now i know it has nothing to do with my own journey and i have to stop taking things as a personal insult.
Still wish there wasn't so many pregnant ladies round me lol, maybe it will rub off lol x

MY DIARY

There's only one thing more painful than having a baby!................ Not being able to have a baby xxxx

ME-28 DH-34
MFI
TTC 8 YEARS
1ST ICSI JUNE 2011- :BFN:

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Faiza

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Reg: Feb 7th 2012

Location: Wimbledon

15

Tuesday, February 7th 2012, 11:43pm

Hi, i've been crying all day. I just dont know how to handle this? We've been trying for ten years . Started an ivf cycle a week ago with pills. I m starting buserelin on 28 of this month. The thing is i m feeling so scared. What if it fails, what would i do then? How would i cope with it? I m just so sad.

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Curlytails

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Wednesday, February 8th 2012, 6:38am

Hi Faiza, I've copied your post over here: Frightened newbie as I'm sure a lot of our ladies will want to say hello and to give you some reassurance. Treatment can be quite overwhelming when is all new and unknown but the ladies here will give you lots of support along the way :hugs:

xx

1st IVF

1st FET no transfer :sadface:

2nd IVF

Took 7 years but we got our little miracle :smile:

Hoping to try again soon...

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Starkitten

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Reg: Jan 23rd 2012

17

Thursday, February 16th 2012, 6:04pm

I too am so scared, so I know how you feel. It's so good to have the support of FZ, though.

I am still feeling the effects of recent endo surgery and I'm findiing it so frustrating to still be in consant pain. I want to be able to get fit again, but I can't exercise or do the horse riding and Zumba I love so much because it's just too painful. Will I ever know life without pain?

As soon as I got back to work after my op, I found out about three colleagues who are all pregnant. All conceptions fast and natural, which just rubs salt in the wound. One of my friends recently gave birth to her third baby, an unplanned surprise but it's just so annoying when they weren't even trying!!! I do feel selfish thinking like this but I can't help but feel a deep bitter jealousy.

My DH and I have been referred to PCT for IVF so hopefully there'll be some good news soon. I tried phoning my GP for an update today but the lady I need to speak to is not in, so I'm going to phone again tomorrow morning; I don't care if I make a nuisance of myself!

Hugs to everyone else on FZ xxx

Sarah

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jasminespoerer

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Reg: Apr 16th 2011

Location: London

18

Saturday, March 17th 2012, 1:49pm

Starkitten I can totally sympathise with what you're saying.

6 months ago I had an operation to remove 3 large endo cysts, was told that they were almost certain it would be a laproscopy so I didn't need to worry, I'd probably be out of hospital same day or latest next morning. Woke up from operation to discover they had had to do a laparotomy which might be what you had - like a full operation. I had to stay in hospital for 5 days and i was an emotional reck! I was constantly crying, in a lot of pain, hating having to be helped to wash/go to the loo etc. I thought I would never get better, it took a good 4 months for me to feel normal again, but now it's just a distant memory.

A couple of months later I discovered a friend was pregnant (naturally) and it just broke my heart, but to be honest it kicked me into action and we're now doing IVF privately (my BMI is JUST too high for NHS). I know what you mean about feeling jealous, sometimes I look at people with babies and I think IT'S NOT FAIR!!

And you should make a nuisance of yourself with GP, harass them mercilessly otherwise nothing will get done

TTC 6 years
Me: 27, endometriosis + cyst, possible fibroid and hydrosalphinx
DH: 29, All's well

2011: Laparotomy to remove endo cysts
2012: 2 x IVF :BFN:

2013: Surgery required to remove cyst, sort out HS and investigate fibroid

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I'm terrified!!!!!

I'm terrified!!!!!

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