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  • "Glitzy" started this thread

Posts: 3,006

Reg: Oct 4th 2005

Location: Scotland

Children: Max born March 07 - thanks to frozen embryo transfer, our little miracle

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1

Tuesday, September 28th 2010, 6:49pm

Explaining death to a 3 year old

My FIL passed away shortly before ds was born. It has been important to us for him to know he has another grandpa and dh has taken him to the cemetry a few times to put flowers down and we tell him that is where we go to "visit" grandpa and take him flowers.

Up to now he has enjoyed arranging the flowers and has never asked questions. The last few weeks however he has started asking a lot of questions about him and asked why when we go to visit grandpa at the special place he is nowhere to be found. He has cried a few times saying he misses him and wants to see him.

I have basically sat with him and explained that grandpa is in a place called heavan and loves him very much. I have said that when you go there its not possible to come back but it does not mean granpda does not love him and thats why we go to the special place sometimes when we miss him.

Not sure if i have handled it correctly and i felt we should keep him away from cemetry until he is older but dh thinks we should take him if he is missing him. Obviously he has never met grandpa but he is talked about alot and we have lots of pictures up so I think it is confusing him.

So is there anything else I can do to make this easier for him or a better way of explaining the situation without having to go into too much detail.

Thanks in advance


5 x ICSI b.f.n
1 x FET resulting in my gorgeous son born 2007

landi

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    United Kingdom

Posts: 4,005

Reg: Aug 5th 2008

Children: One gorgeous son born on 28th May 2010

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Tuesday, September 28th 2010, 7:04pm

Hi my lovely,

Here is a link (not endorsed by by FZ) for books to read to children about death.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/children-death-B…%20death&page=1
I can recommend Badger's parting gift and Always and forever.
I think what you and DH have done so far is perfect. We will want to do the same with Harry to explain abotu his great-grandparents.
Good luck explaining to M.

XX

LAURA
28.05.10 My miracle son Harry was born 5 weeks early, by c-section lurve


compley

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Posts: 6,056

Reg: Apr 30th 2006

Children: DS and DD

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Tuesday, September 28th 2010, 7:17pm

It is a tricky one, but I think you've handled it well. My dh's parents sometimes take H to the cemetary with them, to put flowers on their parents graves...it sounds odd, but I've never really thought too much about them taking him there, like your ds, up until now, he has been fine going, and I sort of think it's 'right' that they are part of these things, as they are part of life.

I do sometimes wander, as we do when we are parents, what I would say to H, if someone we know/loved, passed away. I have a picture of me and my Grandad, who passed away 4 years ago. H has started asking me who he is, and it got me thinking what I will say to him, if he asks where he is etc.

I think I would go along a very similar line to you. I think if they are upset,I think it's important they know that it is ok to feel sad, that we feel sad too, about someone we have lost, whether that was a few years ago, or a recent brereavement.

If your ds is struggling with it, there are books aimed at young children, which maybe could help you talk things through together?

xxx

Posts: 1,665

Reg: Oct 3rd 2005

Location: Stroppyland!

Children: DS Born 2002 / DD Born 2010

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Thursday, September 30th 2010, 12:56pm

H

I think you have dealt with it really well, we used similar words etc with DS when my FIL passed away this year. My DS is older but we go to the cemetary and he understands that Grandad's broken body is there but he also believe's that stars in the sky represent people in heaven and he's often pointing out the brightest stars as Grandad and our pet dog that died when he was tiny.

xxx

Me - PCOS
DH - Poor Motility & Morphology........
ICSI 2001 - DS / 2009 - DD - Our family is now complete :) :)







  • "Glitzy" started this thread

Posts: 3,006

Reg: Oct 4th 2005

Location: Scotland

Children: Max born March 07 - thanks to frozen embryo transfer, our little miracle

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5

Sunday, October 3rd 2010, 9:56am

Thanks for your responses. Felt so sorry for him me looked so sad. I will have a look at the recommended book. Thanks again x


5 x ICSI b.f.n
1 x FET resulting in my gorgeous son born 2007

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Reg: Sep 13th 2006

Location: Hastings

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Wednesday, March 9th 2011, 10:43pm

I think you've done a great job and I think it's really normal for them to react like this. My sister recently died and my daughter will often be crying because she's tired or over something else and then when I ask her why she's crying she says she misses her auntie. I think its like crying reminds her of her aunt's death and also that she understands death makes people sad. I think at this age they are starting to understand the nature of death and that's normal and a good thing I think. We tried to keep the whole thing very real for my daughter and not shelter her or hide the truth from her. She visited my sister many times while she was dying and was always loving and attentive - she wasn't phased by my sister's inability to talk back or even smile back towards the end. When we went to see my sister the last time before they took her body away, my daughter wanted to see her too and we thought about it hard and decided to just go with what she wanted. She held her auntie's hand, kissed her goodbye and really understood without fear that her auntie had left her body but lived on somewhere else. I remember being terrified of seeing my grans body when I was 11 but my 3 year old took it in her stride and really understood what death is because she saw it. I know this might sound really alarming to some people but we're Italian and we lay our dead out and visit them without fear. I am so pleased my daughter had the chance to say goodbye like this.

Anyway, I think talking very openly about death, without fear at a young age will help your child in the future. I would hate my daughter to be scared of death and dead people as I was as a child. Your child's reaction is normal and he is processing his feelings and reactions to death and what death is within your family. I don;t think you need a book because you have done it all brilliantly. Trust yourself and your instincts as a mother - we don't do that enough.
MC 1997, Ectopic 2006, Tubal infertility, 1st IVF :BFP: [zx098]


  • "Glitzy" started this thread

Posts: 3,006

Reg: Oct 4th 2005

Location: Scotland

Children: Max born March 07 - thanks to frozen embryo transfer, our little miracle

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7

Tuesday, March 15th 2011, 6:58pm

Thanks for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your sister xx


5 x ICSI b.f.n
1 x FET resulting in my gorgeous son born 2007

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