want to get the ball rolling.....but very scared

Superstar

Wednesday, May 27th 2009, 11:55am

Hello everyone

I posted on here a while ago when we were having DIVF, we got a BFN just over a month ago, we have thought about adoption more and more since then and I have started to look at agencies and info on websites but Im scared to make the first call, if we get the ball rolling, I fear that we may be told `no, go away your not good enough to be parents` :sadface:

We are not sure that we could cope with that kind of rejection.

The 2 main concerns we have are:
we have 2 dogs (Staffordshire bull terriers) which sadly have a bad reputation in some people's eyes and that worries me - although our dogs are lovely, friendly and would not hurt a fly! we worry that on paper it may not look good

and secondly DH has a tiny blemish on his police record for a `slap on the wrist` telling off which was issued to him when he was 15 years old, nothing since - he is a good clean living man now :happy:

but Im worried that it will look bad

all of the info I have read suggests that you cannot adopt if you have a `criminal conviction` I assume this comes after a reprimand, caution, charge and then court appearance (maybe prision?) which we both have no history of at all, I would just feel more confident if we both had a clean un-blemished record - sorry to go on...

Does anyone think these 2 things will mean a huge NO NO for us?? we dont want to apply if we are going to be turned away, it would be too painful - all advice welcome (please be 100% honest with me, we would rather know now than get further down the line for a big fall)

Wishing you all the very best with your journeys - you are all fab ladies

xxx

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BraveGirl

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Children: One on the way.

2

Wednesday, May 27th 2009, 12:20pm

hi hon

I think you should take the step, I would be surprised if they rejected you. As for the slap on the wrist aged 15 I think that would be wiped from his record now surely? I did on think they stayed on past aged 18.

Will see if I can find out x

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BraveGirl

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Wednesday, May 27th 2009, 12:22pm

might this help? also I am not sure from what you describe if that is even a criminal record. Was he ever convicted of anything?

http://www.nacro.org.uk/data/resources/nacro-2007021302.pdf

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This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "BraveGirl" (May 27th 2009, 12:23pm)

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Sun Flower

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Wednesday, May 27th 2009, 12:48pm

Thanks BG - thats fab hun, I`ll have a read of that link now....

no, never convicted of anything, he was just sent home with his dad after a telling off at the polcie station (they took all of his details) thats how I assume he has a criminal `file` although no further action was taken so hopefully now he is over 18years old, I hope your right and there is nothing on file - thanks BG :smile:

nice to be back on here and see a familiar face :smile:

xxx

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Shelbie

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5

Wednesday, May 27th 2009, 1:07pm

Hi Sunflower, I wouldn't worry about it too much, I had a caution aged 13 (I think) and I kept declaring it on job applications but then my auntie told me (a nurse) that it wouldn't show up on an enhanced CRB check anyway as I was under 17 at the time, so have stopped declaring it as I was worried it would put off employers. But I like to think that if someone was under 18 when it happened, they would take that into consideration.

As for the dogs, I wouldn't worry about it, an old colleague of mine adopted a son, he got bitten by a dog of hers, apparently it was a big shock as the dog was so placid, social services got involved but everything turned out fine in the end. Even if they were to visit your house, which I'm not sure that they do, they would see how lovely your doggies are anyway

hope this helps just a little to ease your mind xxxxx

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BraveGirl

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Children: One on the way.

6

Wednesday, May 27th 2009, 2:25pm

nice to see you back too sunflower. I am 100% sure they will visit the house but a lot further down the line.

They interview your relatives and friends and so on, my secretary went through the process and it took 2 years but she now has a lovely daughter (aged 4) and is very happy.

Do not give up your dream to be a mother.

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gayle1803

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Posts: 2,268

Reg: Sep 13th 2006

7

Wednesday, May 27th 2009, 2:59pm

Hi Hunny

Firsty, want to wish you all the very best if this is indeed the road you and DH take, Adoption is such a wonderful thing to do and I am full of immense admiration for all who do it.

When we looked into adoption of course in the initial very informal meeting the sw mentioned about criminal convictions etc, DH had a driving conviction when he was 17 ( no Insurance TuT TuT) obviously she said to declare it but that they understood how rebellious Teenagers can be and that there was in no way it would effect any future application. I think they understand that it is many years ago and we all grow up and change. Regarding your pets, Im sure this again is no issue, they would obviously want to see the dogs etc, but hey do SW remove peoples children from the home if they have these dogs? I dont think so, and you will be no differnt as perspective parents Im sure

I wish you every success in whatevere you do, remember you can make initial contact and learn alot more about what's involved there is nothing to stop you doing this so you have more information about whats involved, its a long process for this exact reason to make sure all parties are well informed about what goes on

Good luck hunny
xxxx

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JMB

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Posts: 700

Reg: Sep 6th 2008

Location: Scotland

Children: One wonderful Son

8

Wednesday, May 27th 2009, 10:44pm

You're not alone in thinking about adoption. We were cycle buddies in April and I'm slowly coming round to the thought of adoption. My partner hasn't quite got there yet. It is quite a thought but I'm sure that it will be so worth it if you do decide to go down that route.

I'm sure that your DH's "incident" will not be a problem.

Good luck with your journey if you do decide to either adopt or carry on with testing, or even both!

J x

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bouncytigger

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Location: 100 Acre Wood

9

Saturday, May 30th 2009, 5:44pm

We have three dogs and were worried it would go against us, but no one has batted an eye at it.

They do a questionnaire for each dog.. the only types you can't have.. are four that are listed on the dangerous dogs act.. one of ours is half staffie and the other two are terriers...

ON the conviction side, again we were told, we only need worry if it's a crime against children or violence or something horrible.. Something that your DH did at 15 wil not go aganst you... the only other thing I would say though is be totally upfront and honest and just because he was under 18, it WILL show on an enhanced check.. becuase they are checking for safety of children, no conviction, caution or anything is 'spent'

Having just started myself.. anything you want to ask, just fire away or PM / email me...

People on FZ are great, but we don't have that many people that have adopted or are adopting, so it's difficult sometimes to get help...

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Sun Flower

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Posts: 3,876

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Sunday, May 31st 2009, 3:04pm

Thank you all so much, you have really put my mind at ease

we are very serious about adopting and the more we think and talk about it the more it feels right and the more excited we get

got a holiday coming up in 4 weeks, we plan on talking more about it while we are away, will be easier away from day to day stuff, things seem much clearer when you are calm and relaxed on holiday, dont they? looking forward to the break so much

thanks for your replies, hope to update here soon with exciting news if (when) we decide to move forward with adoption.......

thanks guys :hugs:

xx

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JMB

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Posts: 700

Reg: Sep 6th 2008

Location: Scotland

Children: One wonderful Son

11

Wednesday, June 3rd 2009, 9:19am

Discussing it more when you're away on holiday sounds like a great idea! Are you going anywhere nice?

We've been looking into refund programs using egg donation. I think we'll go down that route first as we would like to give things our best shot before we give up on having a child of our own. If that doesn't work then I think we will go down the adoption route.

Have a fab holiday and look foward to hearing about any decisions that you may make.

J x

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basilbrush

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Posts: 217

Reg: Jun 4th 2008

Location: fishbowl

12

Tuesday, June 9th 2009, 10:39pm

Hi

I am about a 3rd way through the process so if you wanna ask away just ask......
tBouncy Tigger is right you have to fill out a dangerous dog questionnaire which all dog owners fill out and they will do an enhanced CRB so just be honest and upfrontg with them about it.

They will find out through checks and references so the best thing to be is honest, it wont go against you, but our VA said you must always declare everything as if something comes up you have not told them they wont like it.

If you want to ask then please do. We started our process in March with a voluntary agency so been going for 3 months now.

Basil
x

Me 43

TTC 6 years
12x clomid BFN
3 IUIS BFN
2 IUI's overstimulated
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MEMBER

Sunday, December 19th 2010, 7:28pm

Hi There

I wonder if you ladies can help.
My DH & I are considering adoption if our final ICSI cycle fails in JAN 11. We are also considering embryo donation as a possibility.
We do not own our own home nor do we earn a lot of money. We also have some previous debt which we are slowly paying off.
I will be 40 in Jan & DH is 38.
Would we even be considered for adoption. WE would look at the UK first but I am told it can take years. Our worry then would be our age.
I am slightly jumping the gun but we really do want to know exactly what are options are in advance. If adoption will be impossible due to the reasons listed or our age then we may be swayed more on embryo donation etc.

Thanks in advance

x

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Calypso

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Posts: 5,464

14

Monday, December 20th 2010, 4:20pm

Hi Taxihome
This will have to be a quick reply as I'm at work - so apologies! Basically, the reasons you have stated should no be obstacles to adoption. The adoption agency will want you to show that you can provide a safe secure home for a child/children and you will need to show that you are able to financially support a child and give them the things that they need. All this is looked at briefly in your initial application and then in more detail during your homestudy. Typically adopting within the UK is much quicker than adopting internationally. From application to panel, it can take about 9-12 months and then from panel to matching it will take as long as it takes to find a match (this can be a couple of months to a couple of years!).

I would definitely recommend that you go along to some information days that will be run by your LA and also by voluntary agencies for more information. Different agencies and LAs all work slighly differently from eachother, so I can only give you a very broad view.

Hope that helps a bit hon. But feel free to PM me any time.

xxx

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning how to dance in the rain

Jan 08 Fibroid removed. May 08 IUI - BFN :sadface:

Nov 08 IVF 7 eggs (just one fertilised :sadface:

- BFN
May 09 ICSI 1 - 7 eggs (two fertilised) BFN :sadface:

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MEMBER

Wednesday, December 22nd 2010, 3:03am

Thanks Calypso for the information there.
I have been told they wont even consider you while you are going through TX so dependant on the outcome I shall be calling the elevant people.
I would consider long term fostering as well.
I shall pop back after our TX outcome.
x

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Calypso

Superstar

Posts: 5,464

16

Wednesday, December 22nd 2010, 11:52am

They definitely like you to have had a break after TX. Usually 6 months to a year (depending on each agency). We "registered an interest" right after our TX and were interviewed soon after, which they were ok with because at that point they are making a decision about whether they wanted us to actually make an application.

After a failed TX, quite often the instinct is to want to move on as soon as possible. That's how I felt. But now, more than a year on, I'm glad our adoption application process has moved slowly because I have needed the time to get my head round things and even start to enjoy life again without TX hanging over me. It's important to be in a "happy place" before going into adoption.

xxx

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning how to dance in the rain

Jan 08 Fibroid removed. May 08 IUI - BFN :sadface:

Nov 08 IVF 7 eggs (just one fertilised :sadface:

- BFN
May 09 ICSI 1 - 7 eggs (two fertilised) BFN :sadface:

Aug 09 Another fibroid removed
Nov 09 ICSI 2 - 1 mature egg (it fertilised) BFN :sadface:

My journey is now over

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FertilityZone

want to get the ball rolling.....but very scared

want to get the ball rolling.....but very scared