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  • "Glitzy" started this thread

Posts: 3,006

Reg: Oct 4th 2005

Location: Scotland

Children: Max born March 07 - thanks to frozen embryo transfer, our little miracle

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Saturday, October 9th 2010, 7:16pm

What has infertility done to you?

I just need to know its not just me. This 7 year journey of infertility has changed me into someone I dont know. I have been feeling so low lately and just cant seem to pull myself out of this hole.
I cant face going out and feel like I hide behind my miracle child all the time. I cant go to a night out as I dont have a babysitter (dont want one is the truth). I have said that for so long that I notice now I just dont get invited anywhere. I cant tell you the last time I went out with anyone other than dh. I seem to have a complete social phobia and get terrified at the thought of having to make conversation with people. My social life seems to consist of facebook. Everyone thinks I have a great social life as I always say I am doing something else if I get asked anywhere or make some excuse.

I seem to live on my nerves, both my parents have been ill for 4 years now and it just seems to be one worry after another. The only happiness I have is my son and I am so worried he will start to pick up on how I am being.

My thoughts consist of having another baby and sheer jealousy of anyone who announces a pregnancy. I dont know who I am anymore yet know I am so lucky to have achieved what so many are still striving for. I just wish I could find who I am again and stop feeling so insular and insecure.I I have lost so many friends and have pushed so many people away because I just dont know how to be me anymore.

Is it just me or has this "journey" done this to anyone else to the extent you are a bag of nerves before even seeing your best friend?? Just feel like I cant talk to anyone about this as who would understand?


5 x ICSI b.f.n
1 x FET resulting in my gorgeous son born 2007

Posts: 544

Reg: Apr 5th 2009

Location: Leeds

Children: Blessed with a beautiful little boy

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Saturday, October 9th 2010, 7:54pm

Aw Glitzy, I can certainly empathise to a certain degree. I changed alot during our 7 years of ttc, would have very low points and especially stressed over going out with our friends because all of them have children and the conversation always turned to the children and I would just want to curl up in a ball and put my hands over my ears, I was so jealous and devasted that it may never happen for us. I pushed alot of people away during that period and its very hard to get back there, i mean what do you say, "sorry I ignored your calls but I was jealous of your family life"!!! People stopped inviting me out and then even my best mate stopped inviting me out when I was pregnant, I suppose because I was so on edge during the whole pregnancy, had several bleeds and stressed about absolutely everything. I wasnt invited out when Aiden was tiny as I wouldnt leave him with anyone, my SIL managed to persuade me at 6 weeks to leave him with her for a couple of hours one afternoon to force me to have a break. AIdens 9 months now, and I have started to be invited out again by my best mate but most of my other friends dont really bother anymore. My life does revolve around my little boy and I dont have a support network, i'm not even in contact with my mum (not that i'd want her in my sons life anyway) so other than my SIL dont have any babysitters so dont even get out with dp very often either. I'm not sure whether i'll ever be the person I was before all this. But you know what, i've got my little man and i'm so in love with him, i'm sure everything else will work out in time. I think you just need to tackle one thing at a time Glitzy, are you and dp close friends with another couple? If so, could you not go out with them so you've got dp there as a crutch, do that a couple of times, then possible go out with your closest female friend for a couple of drinks and build your friendship back up. Have you spoken to your dr about how you feel, I know thats easier said than done, but possibly a few sessions with a counsellor may help. xx
Cheryl
1st ICSI blessed with Aiden Reece Parkin born 01.01.10

mrsjasper

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Posts: 8,545

Reg: Nov 2nd 2005

Location: Lancashire

Children: 2 gorgeous girls

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Saturday, October 9th 2010, 11:23pm

Oh Glitzy, I'm so sorry you feel like this. If nothing else fertility struggles have given you FZ and someone who admires you greatly for the way you have dealt with a lot of bad stuff in your life (that would be me). I hope you find a way to feel better about this and I really hope you get to be a mummy again.

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Reg: Oct 6th 2010

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Sunday, October 10th 2010, 9:08am

Hello, I'm really not sure if I have the right to post here. I have felt exactly the same over the last 6 yrs but through fault of my own. After my 3 rd baby was born I was told by family, friends & DH that 3 was enough. After all I'd got my boy now after 2 beautiful girls. I was 23 with 3 babies under 41/2 . I'm a great mom my children are my life & I was told that to have any more would be selfish of me. So I had my tubes tied. I cried before the op & I have cried everyday since. I'm so angry with myself for being coaxed into it, being a mom is my vocation in life (in fact now my official job too). I have felt resentment at times towards my DH & children because I did it for them but I'm the one who hurts every time someone is having a baby. It makes me even angrier too when DH shows his happiness for them ( obviously the thought of another one of our own filled him with dread 6 years ago)

Social events are a nightmare too I find it hard to be happy for other people even at Weddings? On the outside though I'm a happy go lucky mom of 5 (2 foster children) I'm always busy filling my days so much that I hardly have time to think. & yet I do nothing for myself , I can't remember the last time We went out without the kids , I always hide behind being a Mom but truthfully I'm happy with it.

So here We are after an almighty row where all of the frustrations & pent up feelings were finally released. DH reaction... Well why don't we try for another! He said that 6 years ago he didn't want to end up being young couple with lots of kids & no money. (like other scruffy family members). And we are not. We have always provided for our children probably over compensating. Sometimes with my job I can have 7 or 8 children in the house all of which are washed , dressed & fed, all happy & content. Our home is beautiful , I work hard to make it that way. Our children are amazing , they are so loving & selfless why wouldn't I want another!

So IVF is our only hope, we are at the very start of our journey , having bloods done tomorrow. DH has been on so much medication that I'm not sure how far we will get. I have told my family their reaction was "your being selfish Kristin" I shouldn't be wasting money on myself. They think I should be happy with my lot & I am but I have cared for many children over the last 5 yrs . The longing for another baby of my own hasn't gone away does that mean I should wait another 5 yrs to see if it does? Another 5 yrs of hating myself & everyone else everytime AF arrives (hormones I know) of hurting when someone announces they are pregnant. Of being a emotional wreck if only on the inside. They don't understand that I long for another pregnancy , to breastfeed my baby, to have sleepless night. Those were the best of my life so far. I'm not ready for that to be over. I'm not a people pleaser anymore I knew 6 years ago that I could of had another 3 children & done a fantastic job giving them everything they wanted & needed. Haven't I been doing that anyway being a foster Mom? xxxxx Sorry for the rant xxxxx

Pootle

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Posts: 7,082

Reg: Mar 31st 2007

Location: By the coast

Children: 2 beautiful girls.

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Sunday, October 10th 2010, 7:30pm

Glitzy lovely, first of all I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy and am sending you a big fat hug.

Its hard to type what infertility did to me, or how it changed me, really. Although I kept a diary on here I never put down what the effects of it all were on me although I suspect that some of my nutty ramblings were a good indication of my emotional state at the time.

My situation was a little different too, in that I was experiencing secondary infertility. The first thing for me was the shock that I couldn't do this again after conceiving so easily before. I was so cross with my body. I also felt huge guilt that I couldn't 'provide' a sibling for my DD1 who was absolutely desperate for a sister. I know I closed off from my family and friends and the people I met on FZ became my life line - people who understood why I felt so isolated and why I didn't want to be with others all the time. I dreaded going out with people who had 2 or more children because I felt the odd one out and didn't want to join in conversations about kids when they had what I desperately wanted but couldn't achieve.

All I could think about was having another baby, reaching my goal. I think I have a pretty obsessive, controlling nature (that makes me sound horrible!) and it was exacerbated by the situation. Conceiving filled far too many of my thoughts, even my dreams. I did the whole crazy 'bargaining with God' stuff, I googled far too much, I saw a psychic. I was consumed by it, and I think became an angry person and certainly a bit bitter.

My marriage became very rocky. I felt, still feel to a certain extent I suppose, that it was my dream that I was chasing, not necessarily ours. My DH wasn't always as supportive as I thought he could/should have been, and he did/said some pretty crummy things during what was such a difficult time for me. Added to that, our sex life simply died a death.

So, really, I felt lonely, crazy, guilty and a failure. It was the lowest time in my whole life. I was very lucky that I had some great friends, lovely parents and an amazing sister who gave me space, indulged my madness and picked up the pieces when I let them. I made some lovely friends on FZ and am delighted to have some of them in my life still. I also had DD1 who gave me something else to focus on and forced me to be happy, or at least pretend to be happy, when she was around.

DD2 is 2 next week, she was my happy ending. I can't say how I would be feeling now if things were different. I like to think I'd have moved on from the desperation and found another way to complete my family. That was the plan anyway. But I don't know if I wouldn't have always been wondering 'what if'.

As things are though, I am grateful. And that doesn't sound enough, or a big enough word/sentence. But I am so grateful, and I am every single day when I look at them together, hear them playing, when I hang out 2 sets of pyjamas on the line; I am simply so very grateful. I know that whatever shite life has thrown at me since DD2 arrived and will no doubt continue to throw, I will always be luckier than I ever imagined I would be or believed I deserved to be because I have these two incredible girls in my life, and that for me now, is the thought I will always carry with me and how infertility changed me.

I so hope that this cycle is the one that brings you everything you want Glitzy, I really do. If you want a chat hun, then PM me.

x

landi

Superstar

    United Kingdom

Posts: 4,005

Reg: Aug 5th 2008

Children: One gorgeous son born on 28th May 2010

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Friday, October 15th 2010, 6:11pm

Hey Glitzy,
I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this, sending you a great big hug.
Like Pootle, my situation with infertility was different to yours and I have been very lucky as I really only had a very short journey.
All I can say is that you are a lovely person from what I've seen (mainly on facebook). I think that you seem to have been through a lot, especially to get your precious DS. It's completely understandable why you don't go out etc. I have found out of all the people in my NCT class - I was the one who left Harry last and he was born first. I think that the struggle you have to actually have a child is so great that you cannot bear to be apart from them. That's what I've found anyway.
I have also found that where some of my old friends didn't understand about infertility they didn't bother. I think it's people's ignorance on the subject. For me it was the same was I was pg with H. I was the first of my friends and they were not supportive at all, but it was because they didn't understand.
If your want for another child is a great as when you were tryign for your DS, then it's understandable that you would feel the way you do because life has a way of making you see things you wouldn't normally see. Don't you find that now you're trying again, all you see are women who are pg or newborns? Crap isn't it?
Have you spoken to DH about how you're feeling?
Is there anyway that you would allow DH to have your DS for the night and then you can go and be with your thoughts and try to find you again? I know there would be a cost for overnight accomodation but just going and being on your own my help? I don't have the answers and have written this really badly I know. I just remember when I was a teenager I was feeling lost and low and I went to the beach and just sat watching the waves for over an hour. I then went home and I felt better because I'd made some decisions and allowed me to find a bit of the old me again.
You have many friends on here sweetie and if you feel comfortable to write how you feel then do, we will be here for you.
I've not written this post at all well , btu I hope you get what I was tryign to say.
Sending you a big hug.
xx

LAURA
28.05.10 My miracle son Harry was born 5 weeks early, by c-section lurve


  • "angels&babies" is no longer a member of FZ
  • United Kingdom

Posts: 2,687

Reg: Feb 26th 2008

Location: Scotland

Children: Annalise Joy Morrison born December 2009 from 2nd ICSI.........4 Snow Babies on ice,x

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Monday, November 1st 2010, 4:01pm

Well done for being honest about how you feel. I could have written a similar message myself but felt I was maybe being a bit selfish in what I wanted and was scared of hurting other people who weren't nearly as lucky as I am.
I think it is hard for us all to go down this path and I think for many years, this is all we have, our main focus and aim in life - our everquest to have a baby and a family life just like others take for granted. When we get our wee ones, it is the most wonderful gift but there is then a void that going for treatment used to fill. That's the point where I lost alot of friends - through ill health suffering from anxiety disorder brought on by our problems and also other people felt awkward around us. I remember after our first ICSI failed realising that we had been trying for a baby for our ENTIRE married life and had had no time to just be us and have fun. THat was the reason I made the decision for us both, to have a break for about 8-9 months. I had a sore heart feeling throughout but we were able to enjoy our own company for the first time in a longtime, properly.
It then hits home after you've had your first that if you want to try for another child, you've got to go through the whole lot AGAIN and that is really soul destroying and filled with yet more uncertainty on many levels.
If you want a chat, just PM me. Where are you? If you are nearby, we could maybe have a coffee sometime and a chat,x



2nd ICSI March 2009 :BFP:
4 Top Grade 1 Frosties in Waiting for next time!
bab21
My Diary





  • "angels&babies" is no longer a member of FZ
  • United Kingdom

Posts: 2,687

Reg: Feb 26th 2008

Location: Scotland

Children: Annalise Joy Morrison born December 2009 from 2nd ICSI.........4 Snow Babies on ice,x

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Monday, November 1st 2010, 6:13pm

I meant to say too, I'm like Cheryl in that I don't have contact with my Mum since she left to live in England just 5 weeks after my baby was born and only gave me 4 days notice that she was leaving for good. I think this has also left a bitter taste in my mouth. I have nobody who will help us with childcare. My brother lives nearby but they work full time, both he and my sis-in-law and they have twin boys of 2 and a half whom still don't sleep through the night. So, I look after my girl all day and then go out and work at night and at weekends and try to keep on top of laundry and housework. I'm so lucky to have a supportive DH but we are often both really tired.
My Mum has mucked me about something chronic and even when I was pregnant, I spent alot of time on my own because she kept going away on holiday. I was really scared too.
When our first ICSI failed, her words were, "It's not a tragedy, somebody hasn't died." No wonder I felt so isolated.
I think my story and indeed what we all say here goes to show that we are all much braver and much more able to cope than we ourselves realise or that others would have us think of ourselves. So after all we have endured, whatever our story, even with the happiest of endings such that afew of us have been blessed with...... it's no surprise the strain infertility has, for many years and indeed the rest of our lives,x



2nd ICSI March 2009 :BFP:
4 Top Grade 1 Frosties in Waiting for next time!
bab21
My Diary





landi

Superstar

    United Kingdom

Posts: 4,005

Reg: Aug 5th 2008

Children: One gorgeous son born on 28th May 2010

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Monday, November 1st 2010, 7:51pm

Hi Glitzy,
How are you doing?
xx

LAURA
28.05.10 My miracle son Harry was born 5 weeks early, by c-section lurve


althea71

Newbie

Posts: 3

Reg: Nov 13th 2010

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10

Saturday, November 13th 2010, 9:05am

Most of my friends keep telling me that maybe we should consult the doctor since it's been years and still no child. But just thinking of it makes me feel uncomfortable. I keep telling myself that maybe it's not yet the right time. Convincing ourselves that nothing is wrong with us it's just not yet time for us to have a baby. maybe were not yet ready for it. Rather than hearing the doctor tell us that we are not capable of having a baby.So instead we try to enjoy each others company.




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